To worry that my social awkwardness might affect my daughter’s ability to make friends at school?

[savannahsmama]

I went to a coffee morning at my daughter’s future school today and, as usual in these kinds of situations, I came away feeling a bit awkward and over-analytical. I’m just not great at small talk — I never quite know what to say, and when I do speak, I often blurt out odd questions or things that probably sound a bit intense or out of place. (This morning I found myself asking about leaver destinations and school lunches… at a Reception coffee morning.)

I also really struggle with silences — I either try to fill them and come across a bit weird, or I freeze and end up saying nothing. Meanwhile, other parents seem to just glide through these things, chatting naturally and making connections.

To be clear, I’m not completely hopeless socially. I do have close friends and can have long, meaningful conversations with people once I know them. It’s not that I don’t like people — it’s just that the early stages of small talk with new acquaintances never quite feel natural to me. I always feel like I’m a few beats off, like I didn’t get the memo on how to do it smoothly.

And here’s the thing that’s bothering me: I’m worried this might end up affecting my daughter. I know that in the early years, a lot of friendships and playdates happen because the parents get along. If I’m not someone people naturally click with or remember to include, will that mean fewer playdates or chances to socialise for her? It makes me feel a bit sad and guilty, like my awkwardness might end up holding her back socially.

So — AIBU to be worrying about this? Do other people feel like this too, or am I overthinking it?

I think the way you think you come across, and the way you actually come across to others don't always match up though.

DH leaves me to do most of the birthday parties and church coffee mornings because he finds small talk awkward, but yesterday he and DS1 went to pick up something from a neighbour we don't know that well and when they got home DS1 asked me "why is daddy always so good at chatting to people"

Very much this.

Kindly, OP, if you are particularly worried about passing your anxieties down, (which you no doubt will do, it’s unavoidable really, even when you think you’ve done a great job at hiding it), have you thought about having some therapy for what you are struggling with? It can either help you see it’s not as awful as you perceive it to be, and/or feel more accepting of yourself and a bit less worried about it all?

I make conversation easily one on one but not in groups I never got “ in the clique of mums at my son’s primary school . It was a small school and the mums used to go out etc but I wasn’t in that circle . There were two mums that that I never even spoke to and it then got awkward and we never even acknowledged each other . Those of course were the ones whose kids my son became and the best friend and “ boyfriend “ of . It all worked out fine we just communicated by text when need be . There’s a lot of parties at that age so they socialise that way and my son used to go the park after school o don’t recall my son going on lots of play dates . He’s at senior school now and seems to pick up friends on a weekly basis I wouldn’t worry . Though there is a book “ how to talk t anyone sbout anything “ that might help you . I think the key here is maybe concentrate on chatting ti one person I don’t mean. To latch onto them but rather than trying to join in a big group conversation just start with one at a time . The key is to saj questions and try and find common ground people love to talk about r themselves . Example of an hour and a half conversation I had with lady on train on Friday z. “ her “ do you want me to blind down so you can see your ldaptop” me yes please but I’m getting off at x you will be able to enjoy some in the view “ her oh I used to live at y ( names nearby town ) I sat oh I actually live I at y but get train to x cos quicker for working London . Her what do you do for for work I tell her and ask her what she does “. You gar the idea we ended up talking scout teensgers travelling the ivy restsursbt etc . For people you see regularly if you find out something about them you can then bring that up next time tou see them . Eg mum at football are you doing anything nice thid afternoon no just going to look for s new kitchen oh really I’m looking o pig on a bee kitchen who are you using ? Next time you see her - how did you get in at the kitchen place Woud you recommend them . You get the idea ….