Having my ex partner at the birth of my baby

[Lookingforadvice101234]

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my ex partner at the birth of our child? He left me at 12 weeks pregnant but still wants to be involved with baby; although has been pretty flaky and difficult up to now. I have decided I don’t want him there, he hasn’t actually asked. However when other people ask me if he’ll be there they seem shocked when I say no; as if I’m being unreasonable. Advice welcome

There’s no way I’d have him there when you’re at your most vulnerable. Can’t believe anyone thinks YABU.

Don't tell people

Are you close to your mum?

Someone who's at the birth should be someone who was there through morning sickness, cravings, midnight snacks, midnight scares, endless scans and appointments and endless browsing for prams

If its not him, He shouldn't be at the birth

Wholeheartedly agree!

Labour is more complicated and therefore more dangerous for the baby if the mother is not relaxed. It is unlikely that a flaky ex partner would lead to a relaxed mother. Therefore it would be irresponsible for him to be there.

You don't have to tell him you are in labour. Tell him after your baby has been born

I had my ex at the birth and wish I didn’t, we didn’t speak throughout the whole pregnancy and cringe looking back that I had him there when I was so vulnerable

Similar and he wasn't there, was overdue, went infor induction alone o. Saturday morning took till early hours to be in full labour, had my sisters there for birth. Sister rang him Sunday afternoon. Do what you want , not what others think you should do. 💕

The whole point of the birthing partner is support for you. Its not a spectator sport.

Have someone who will be there for you.

Theres plenty of time for the ex to be introduced to the baby after.

I think sometimes people forget that attending a birth is basically watching the mother go through a graphic, hours-long medical incident.

He left you, you don’t want him there, he can be part of his child’s life without literally watching them be born.

All the stuff around expectations of people wanting to attend the birth… mental. I barely wanted to be at my own.

Yanbu. That's fair enough as it is a very vulnerable time for you it's understandable you wouldn't want him in the room whilst you are in labour/giving birth. He might be upset and that's understandable too but when it comes to the birth mum's wishes do trump dad's. However he should be first to see and hold baby after you.

Have someone who will actually support you, don't waste the spot on an ex.
Can't imagine anyone thinking you're being unreasonable, unless their are either related to him or a man who objectifies women.

Absolutely not. Ask anyone who looks shocked how often they invite their ex to see them naked and having medical support.

You are 100% not being unreasonable.
You need that oxytocin flowing to labour efficiently. Having the ex at the bedside will not help that.
You need somebody supportive and encouraging.
Anybody but him.
Goodluck

It might help to create a bond between your child and their father. Having said that, I was under GA for the birth of my son and from the photos taken my dsis (not) and my ds's father had done the whole thing themselves!

Suffice to say, neither person has had much involvement in ds's life and none at all for over 10 years.

But I'd still suggest you leave the birth option open...even if the df has shit for brains.

Genuinely interested in hearing from anyone who thinks you're being unreasonable?
As others have already said, take a birth partner if you feel you need one. Someone you can actually trust to support you and be there for you.
You owe him nothing. Birth is not a spectator sport. I wouldn't let him detract any more positivity than he likely already has. Good luck, wishing you and baby all the best 💐

honestly if a man needs to watch his baby squeezed out of his ex’s vagina to bond then maybe he was just never destined to be a caring dad. I’d ask a complete stranger before I asked an ex.

It was an elective caesarian due to known physical complications so no sqeezing out of vaginas involved. Just woke up on a ward and searched around for my baby....

Only in later years when properly looking at the photos I realized there was only 1 of me (in post-op search mode) looking completely fucked and several of the dsis glowing with pride and the shit df looking pleased but emotional.

But I can always say to ds if he feels a bit fucked up and abandoned and tries to blame me - I did my best son and let everyone else do theirs, but I'm the one who stayed the course because I love you, believe in you and think you're great.

And he is great and a son to be proud of.

No you don’t have to have him there and that’s totally reasonable. You’re going to be vulnerable and emotional and you’ll need someone who can support you and advocate for you if needed. I was there with my friend and she ended up needing an emergency c-section. I didn’t call him until the baby was 5 days old bc she was just too vulnerable if he turned up when none of us were there. He played “Dad” for about die weeks then the odd visit but ultimately disappeared after that. He joined the Army so it was easy to get child support. I wish you all the best. You do it how you want to🌺

The only person who should be at the birth is someone who YOU choose, and who you know can be supportive, kind, caring and helpful to you when you are in pain and in labour
You need someone who you absolutely trust and feel safe with
You choose, you decide. No one else.

Yanbu

Absolutely not. You need to be in a good headspace and with supportive people who will help you and make you feel safe- Maybe mum/sister/best friend?? He can visit after.

He has all the time in the world to bond when the baby is here. If he has shit for brains, what actual good would he be at the birth and what support would he be for the OP at her most vulnerable?

OP I was in a similar position and I’m
so glad I didn’t have him at the birth, his behaviour during my pregnancy was appalling and I wasn’t having him ruin that special, very vulnerable moment on top
of everything else. Don’t let yours be ruined.

Sorry but I would be having the dad there even if the relationship had come to an end. He deserves the skin to skin contact with his newborn son too. Is it possible you could give birth privately (assuming you are having a vaginal delivery) and he could come in after baby has come out and you are more dressed if you’re uncomfortable with him seeing everything? Still gives him the time to see his newborn son but means he doesn’t have to see you at your super vulnerable moments while giving birth.

Mine wasn't in the room, but I did have my mum call him so he was in the building. Once baby was born and I was covered up, he came in.
He is a good dad and I'm glad he got to see our child right after birth, and cut the cord etc.

He does irritate the hell out of me though, and I knew that I didn't need that while trying to push what turned out to be a 99th centile head out 😳

Fuck no.

Anyone that thinks YABU can sit in a room with their genitals exposed with him for 72 hours while being tortured.

AND i'd never speak to that person again, ever, because they are not your friend.
Boop and you're BLOCKED.

YANBU at all. If you do not want him there you should not have him there. It's not good for you or the baby.

When people ask, act shocked that they've asked.

Taken aback look and "Of course not. Good grief. He's not seeing me naked ever again."

Other potential responses:
"He can't be bothered providing support while I'm pregnant, he certainly doesn't get spectator rights at the birth."

Or "The baby has rights, he and I have responsibilities to the baby. I will be relieved if he lives up to his, but I'm not holding my breath."

Or "Having him there would be stressful which is bad for the baby and me during the birth. I can't believe he'd want to be there over putting his child's best interests first."

Having him come and see the baby immediately afterwards once you're covered up is different and much more acceptable. But even then, only if he shows he can be civil and responsible about it, put his child's needs first and be nice to you. Him being flakey and difficult now does not provide much hope for that, though there may still some time for him to step up.