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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

colleagues mental health

32 replies

alicejames · 03/06/2025 21:17

Hi - I struggle at work a lot ( i work in a primary school). I am blamed for a lot of things that I havent done and been accused of saying and doing all sorts that I havent said and done. I am currently gettng help for mental health/anxiety as a result of all of this and obvioulsy looking for a new job. A new woman started in my office a few weeks ago and we hit it off and I was so pleased. I knew she had mental health issues and we both chatted about our experiences. I must admit, I did tell her how much I was struggling and some of the issues I had experienced at work and she spent many hours telling me about her traumas and issues too, both work related and relationship issues as she struggles with her husband and his behaviour. She went on the sick last week and my manager approached me and told me that I have made my colleagues mental health issues worse by talking to her about my problems and it is my fault that she has gone off on the sick, he was really angry with me. I have been told not to contact her but I am so distressed. the day before she went off, we had been out for an evening meal together and she made no mention that I had upset her, in fact, we had a great night and arranged a meet up at the weekend, I am so upset that I have caused my only ally to have mental health issues made worse. I feel like giving up. I havent heard from her since she went off.

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Ereerenownow · 03/06/2025 21:24

Hi, I am tortured at work too so you have my sympathies. You are not responsible for your colleagues mental health and it sounds like your manager is trying to blame you to perhaps cover up some other issues? Please keep your chin up and hopefully your friend will be in contact soon.

Original poster
alicejames · 03/06/2025 21:26

Thank you so much for this. I feel sick with worry that I have caused distress to someone but part of me also knows that I didnt do this. I feel a bit confused and dont want to go into work tomorrow

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Ereerenownow · 03/06/2025 21:51

alicejames · 03/06/2025 21:26

Thank you so much for this. I feel sick with worry that I have caused distress to someone but part of me also knows that I didnt do this. I feel a bit confused and dont want to go into work tomorrow

I think you are being gaslighted. If you are in a union, please get some advice and best of luck x

Neolara · 03/06/2025 21:54

Seriously, people who are otherwise fine don't go off sick because a colleague tells them their troubles. She clearly has pretty major issues of her own that are the actual reason she is not at work.

BethDuttonYeHaw · 03/06/2025 21:59

Your manager is an arsehole

MaryTheTurtle · 03/06/2025 22:08

You’re not to blame and I would seek advice form HR as soon as possible abour what’s happening and what’s being said.
Id advise caution going forward on what you say to anyone outside of HR

cissyfromchepstow · 03/06/2025 22:11

Gosh your manager was extremely unprofessional saying that!!

alcoholnightmare · 03/06/2025 22:12

You are being totally gaslit by your manager. You’ve done nothing wrong here at all

Original poster
alicejames · 04/06/2025 07:33

thanks for all the replies, they have been a comfort. I axtually spoke to my friend last night, briedly. she is quite angry that my manager has blamed me. she did acknowledeg that she spoke to him before she went off and told him she was worried about me but in no way did she blame me so i dont know what my manager is up to

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Original poster
alicejames · 04/06/2025 07:33

sorry for spelling

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Ereerenownow · 04/06/2025 07:37

It sounds like your manager is managing people poorly and trying to take the heat from himself by blaming you. I have been in a similar situation and it is nerve shredding and distressing. Please write everything down and book an appointment with hr before this manager makes matters worse

cissyfromchepstow · 04/06/2025 10:12

This all sounds unprofessional, why are you all talking about each other to your manager and then sharing it with each other? Especially about mental health. Not saying it's taboo but all sounds a bit messy.

Greenartywitch · 04/06/2025 10:26

You need to start documenting everything because your manager is a bully who is trying to blame others for the toxic atmosphere in their team.

I would consider going to HR with this and making a formal complaint.

Original poster
alicejames · 07/06/2025 14:15

Hi all, I just wanted to give a bit of an update on this situation as I had some very kind replies. Turns out that my 'friend' had told all of my fellow workers that I had been complaining about them and saying I had siad they were useless at their jobs, couldnt control the kids etc. She didnt mention all of the things she had said about them though. Now they all know and no-one at work is speaking to me. Ive heard of some of the things she said and they are gross exagerations of our chats and some downright lies too. To say im devestated is an understatement. I trusted her and thought she was a friend, my only one at work and that we were having private conversations. Doesnt look like she is coming back to work and is retiring so I am once again completely alone in a large, bustling school. I feel so stupid and awful.

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Ereerenownow · 07/06/2025 14:17

Oh my god I'm so sorry to hear this, I bet you are absolutely devastated. What a betrayal. I learnt a long time ago not yo trust people at work (not in my workplace anyway) as i was betrayed in a little bit of a similar way. Sending hugs

Original poster
alicejames · 07/06/2025 14:20

thank you, i am beyond devestated to be honest. I feel sick and couldnt sleep for the last couple of nights. I cant afford to quit so i had to face them last week and it was awful. everyone ignored me and some unfriended me on social media. i did have a whinge to her but not to the extend she is making out.

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Original poster
alicejames · 07/06/2025 14:23

apparently she also said that i had complained about my managers personal hygiene which is a complete lie, no wonder he was furious with me

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Velmy · 07/06/2025 14:45

This is the problem with gossiping at work. You're saying things you shouldn't to one colleague about another, and expecting them not to do the same.

You know she's a gossip, because she's gossiping with you. You've brought this on yourself.

You may not have meant things to sound a certain way, but the person you were gossiping about doesn't have that context. And the fact that you've seeming been gossiping about multiple colleagues, its no surprise that they're now keeping you at arms length.

Original poster
alicejames · 07/06/2025 14:49

Velmy · 07/06/2025 14:45

This is the problem with gossiping at work. You're saying things you shouldn't to one colleague about another, and expecting them not to do the same.

You know she's a gossip, because she's gossiping with you. You've brought this on yourself.

You may not have meant things to sound a certain way, but the person you were gossiping about doesn't have that context. And the fact that you've seeming been gossiping about multiple colleagues, its no surprise that they're now keeping you at arms length.

hi - i wasnt gossiping, i was simply telling her about some of my issues, i certainly was not ripping into colleagues and i DID NOT say that they couldnt handle the kids and my line manager is smelly, these were lies that she told.

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Ereerenownow · 07/06/2025 14:52

Velmy · 07/06/2025 14:45

This is the problem with gossiping at work. You're saying things you shouldn't to one colleague about another, and expecting them not to do the same.

You know she's a gossip, because she's gossiping with you. You've brought this on yourself.

You may not have meant things to sound a certain way, but the person you were gossiping about doesn't have that context. And the fact that you've seeming been gossiping about multiple colleagues, its no surprise that they're now keeping you at arms length.

I dont think the op ever said she gossiped about colleagues. Offloading about problems at work is different and she said that she didn't say the things she was accused of.

Velmy · 07/06/2025 15:35

alicejames · 07/06/2025 14:49

hi - i wasnt gossiping, i was simply telling her about some of my issues, i certainly was not ripping into colleagues and i DID NOT say that they couldnt handle the kids and my line manager is smelly, these were lies that she told.

Show quote history

So presumably you have now filled a grievance against her at work, and approached all the people she's lied to, to confirm that she's made all of these things up in an attempt to ruin your career?

I find it very difficult to believe that someone who wasn't severely mentally deranged or holding some kind of grudge against you would randomly make up a number of separate lies out of the blue about different members of staff, and claim that you said them. Has she been lying about other members of staff, or just you?

What I expect has happened is that you've had a good old moan with her, and by way of Chinese whispers/lack of context, what has got back to people is not exactly what you meant.

JLou08 · 07/06/2025 15:43

You haven't caused your colleagues mental health issues. If your trauma was too much for her then it was on her to say so or take a step back from you and not socialise with you outside of work.

Velmy · 07/06/2025 15:45

Ereerenownow · 07/06/2025 14:52

I dont think the op ever said she gossiped about colleagues. Offloading about problems at work is different and she said that she didn't say the things she was accused of.

Show quote history

Gossiping, offloading...it's all much of a muchness. You're moaning about someone/something and haven't had the bottle to address them/it directly, so of course it's going to get repeated/passed around via Chinese whispers.

I find it very odd that this person would pluck multiple random lies out of thin air, attribute them only to OP and tell the entire office and her boss for no reason.

Original poster
alicejames · 07/06/2025 16:01

Velmy · 07/06/2025 15:45

Gossiping, offloading...it's all much of a muchness. You're moaning about someone/something and haven't had the bottle to address them/it directly, so of course it's going to get repeated/passed around via Chinese whispers.

I find it very odd that this person would pluck multiple random lies out of thin air, attribute them only to OP and tell the entire office and her boss for no reason.

Show quote history

Hi let me give you an example.....I told my friend i was accused of mis-filing a document by X, I told her that I hadnt done this but X didnt believe me and it upset me. Nothing more about X, now is that offloading or gossiping as i do belive their is a difference? I had already spoken to X about this matter. I have no idea why someone would make up lies about me especially someone i considered a friend, I cant see inside her head!!

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Original poster
alicejames · 07/06/2025 16:05

Velmy · 07/06/2025 15:35

So presumably you have now filled a grievance against her at work, and approached all the people she's lied to, to confirm that she's made all of these things up in an attempt to ruin your career?

I find it very difficult to believe that someone who wasn't severely mentally deranged or holding some kind of grudge against you would randomly make up a number of separate lies out of the blue about different members of staff, and claim that you said them. Has she been lying about other members of staff, or just you?

What I expect has happened is that you've had a good old moan with her, and by way of Chinese whispers/lack of context, what has got back to people is not exactly what you meant.

Show quote history

I dont know about a grieveance as she has left work. I also dont know if she has said stuff about others, i was just told what she said about me. I have a meeting with my manager on monday to get more details etc. I dont know why she would have agrudge against me, like i said, i thought she was my friend and we had gone out together the night before she went off sick

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