Wondering if my Mother is exatturating cancer scare

[Lavenderfarmcottage]

Please skip to final paragraph *** for the short version of this !! Apologies if the sensitive medical issue and unusualness of this post offends or upsets anyone.

A bit of an unusual thread. Wondering if this time my Mum’s cancer scare is genuine.

My Mum is turning 64 and has a history of exatturating and lying. This is mainly done be being vague and getting angry when asked about anything she feels uncomfortable about.
In the past she has lied about cancer while going for routine tests or checks and told us she has cancer when they’re in the very early stages of tests for general issues which turn out to be all fine.

I’ve only noticed the extent of her lying as time has gone on. I think sometimes she twists stories and genuinely doesn’t realise she’s being obtuse, vague or reframing and twisting the story - leaving out crucial pieces of information.

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My Mother has said that her GP found a breast lump. She said that the lump was examined by the GP who said it was 8cm and there was signs of dimpling, orange peeling, veins and it is in the arm pit breast area. She said this had been “fast tracked” for a mammogram and aspiration this week. She is now saying it’s actually next week (so 2 weeks after appointment).

Basically, my question is, does this sound genuine given her history of exatturating and lying even about cancer scares ?

Does it matter if she is exaggerating?

If she has a test in a week or two you’ll know soon enough, right?

Even if the test comes back negative it wouldn’t mean she was lying.

I guess I’m trying to figure out why you are asking.

8cm is huge, my friend had treatment for a 'lump' is was 0.9 mm.
Look at a ruler or tape measure to get the idea of an 8cm lump in a breast

Sounds genuine to me. I had a lump in my breast, GP examined and I was fast tracked to the breast clinic, told it would be within 2 weeks but I was seen in a few days. I was given the all clear on the same day I was at the breast clinic.

A 2wk turnaround is usual if the docs need to run tests to find out what's going on with her breast. Are you going with her to the appointments? No-one on here can tell you what any scan or biopsy result may show. She'll need to wait for her test results.

Around my way you get seen within 2 weeks with any breast lump and it’s a one stop shop with a physical examination, mammogram, ultrasound and if indicated a needle biopsy all on the same day. My diagnosis was confirmed that day, with biopsy results later informing the type of treatment I’d need and follow up scans to check for spread.
From memory my lump was about 6 cms and cancerous.
All well now, following surgery and radiotherapy.

Edited to add, saw my GP on the Monday and was booked in at the clinic for Wednesday

2 weeks is the standard pathway for beast symptom referrals.

I can’t comment on your mum’s symptoms or what the doctor said but, yes, she is correct about the speed of the appointment. They aim to see you within two weeks and IME appointments in respect of possible breast cancer are very speedy.

Because she has a history of lying about things and because 8cm seems very large and also I didn’t realise it could be measured without tests.

Yes it does matter if she is exatturating information and leaving me worried for 2 weeks especially when it’s not even a year since my sister died.

* I’m on here because I can’t simply trust information she gives me. I am wanting to know how genuine this is.

OP, 8cm is huge.

If she's been given an appt on the 2 week pathway, wait for the results. Although even if it turns out to be benign, your dm has every right to be scared.

8cm seems exceptionally large. That's larger than a tennis ball.

My mum had a 2.5cm lump that was removed via mastectomy, but had already reached a lymph node and then metastised into her bones.

That's the problem with liars though - they lie so much and then they aren't believed.

Breast cancer is extremely common in women in their 60s. She may very well have it. I would be surprised if the lump was 8cm though.

Out of curiosity I just looked at my old hospital letters and my tumour was 6cms, so 8cm is not beyond the realms of possibility, but I am large of nork!

I saw my gp as I had a lump. Was seen 9 days later at hospital, had manual examination, mammogram and ultrasound before being told it was a hormonal cyst (it disappeared once my period started). So parts of it seem like what would expect but the size is extreme and the gp only felt not said ‘yep I feel something, I’ll refer you straight away.’ Gave no other details such as visual appear.

When I was being treated for my (quite small) breast cancer, and was worrying about whether I would spot any recurrence, the radiologist said she had women arriving with 4" or 10cm tumours, so it is possible.

My mother has always weaponised her health issues. Unless you have experienced a manipulative relationship like this it's almost impossible to understand how you could be suspicious of your own mother having a cancer scare but I totally get it. My mother pretended for over a year that she had a benign brain tumor, she kept me at arms length during it, although I offered help, while phoning me up secretly and guilting me for not helping her and decrying me to everyone we know, she'd phone me up and tell me she was having seizures, treatment was failing, she was dying, the works, but would be vague on details, guilt and shame me, crying down the phone but of course no facts or normality around it, making out I was the abnormal one of I asked questions, rushing off the phone or acting the victim if you tried to get clarity, it was an utter nightmare as I genuinely thought she was ill for over a year but knew it was all abnormal and was kept constantly in fear and confusion and taking abuse off her husband, culminating in my having a breakdown, she and her husband phoned me right before Christmas to say it was actually cancer and had spread to bone cancer and I spent a terrible Christmas agonizing over it and researching it, both had been abusive during the call when I explained none of it made sense and asked for some facts, what tests had she had, what type of cancer, both screamed at me and when I explained the constant bombshells, vague dramatic phonecalls without any facts or sense were destrying me I was told I was making it all about me. After a month of basically being in bed, I called the hospital begging for advice as she said she was refusing treatment and wouldn't give details. They told me she was being treated for a treatable eye condition over the last year and there was absolutely no tumor or cancer, had never been so much as a biopsy. She'd even purchased a wheelchair herself and had been feigning brain tumor symptoms for a year, always seemed to collapse when they had visitors etc telling me she had seizures and loss of Mobility, I watched her fake a seizure at a family event and then happily walk down a corridor when she thought no one could see her. It nearly destroyed me. If the hospital hadn't told me this info I'd probably still be getting emotionally abused and kept on the hook with the not knowing. We've pieced together now as a family that she has done this to varying extents all her life, I've memories of me and her friends waiting outside the doctor for her as she told us she was getting cancer results, she has had a heart scare, arthritis that magically disappeared and she told people she had cancer as a teen also. So so many lies , exaggerations, manipulations have been exposed now not just about her health, I witnessed many many of them at the time but ignored them or was convinced I was wrong or stupid because she was my mum. I've seen her husband accept her lies or even partake in them too. She was very good at what she did. Follow your gut, look at the history, keep ears and eyes for what's not normal and don't be convinced that it's you being suspicious,evil, wrong etc you are normal, she is not

May I advise you, as an old hand with such a mother?

Don’t try to know.
Accept that she is genuinely scared and wants support, whether or not she’s exaggerating.

Knowing or not knowing makes no difference for the next two weeks.

Stop trying to feel a sense of control and understanding, let it wash over you and support her as best you can without tying yourself in knots.

She may be exaggerating, but she may not be. The boy who cried wolf was eaten by one. There’s no point speculating here - just try to remain a bit detached until the medical tests have been done.

Could it be you’re mistaken or your mum is and it’s 8mm?

I have breast cancer atm. From chatting to others at the cancer centre I don’t think 8cm is particularly uncommon size, it’s not necessarily a perfect ball, it could be 8cm across but relatively flat i think? I am surprised that the GP has said how big the lump is though, as far as I’m aware, that’s something that gets talked about when you’re having a mammogram or ultrasound.
I have family members who like to extract value out of health scares in order to get attention, it’s very tiring and upsetting. My advice is just to accept you don’t know yet, and if you need to keep your distance from your mum for now that’s fair enough. Have a think about whether it might be less stressful for you to go with her to the mammogram, at least you will hear firsthand what is happening.

The GP wouldn't have been able to tell exactly what size the lump was (although if large could probably have a guess). So she is probably exaggerating that part.

But the two week appointment is normal referred for a breast lump. Does she have health anxiety at all, this may lead her to over exaggerate things.

That’s what is making me sceptical - the size being a massive 8cm. I don’t understand how you could have a measurement of 8cm before a mammogram and aspiration/biopsy.

I am not saying she has no right to be scared or that she doesn’t have a lump. I just feel as though I can’t trust the information I’ve been given and so I’m wanting to know whether it’s unusual.

It’s not a 2 week wait to know, probably more like a month. My little boy is very attached to her. It’s an anxious wait and concerning as I think it’s rare for benign lumps to be less than 8cm.

I wouldn’t stress yourself trying to figure out how genuine it is. Usually with people like this (my mum was the exact same, including how she lied about having cancer) there is a drop of truth in every lie. She really does have a lump, it is being investigated. If she is telling people already it’s cancer you know she is lying. Is she exaggerating the size? Maybe, but who is it going to help if you “prove” she has?

You know what she is like. Protect yourself and don’t get overly involved until you have facts. You can be supportive of what you know to be true (she has been fast tracked for a breast concern having found a lump) without needing to hassle yourself with the fine print.

That’s very sound advice. Thanks for understanding and reaffirming how it feels to sift through information.

Sending my care and thoughts to you and I will say a prayer for you, for what it may be worth x

Is it possible she's misheard/misremembered and the lump is 8mm? It's hard to process and retain information when you're panicking. I'd assume it's a mistake rather than deliberate exaggeration.

Does she have particularly large breasts? I’m a J cup (natural) and could probably hide 8cm in there for a while. If she has A’s or B’s it would likely be evident far before it reached that size.

But again, that detail doesn’t change anything. You will still need to wait for results. If she’s exaggerated/lied about the size do you really think a “gotcha” moment would be appropriate right now? Would it help any of you?