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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partners Brother Not Happy.

41 replies

Helbel1977 · 03/06/2025 14:47

3 years ago almost to the day, we where on our way to a family party, I was the designated driver it was a very sunny evening in a part of the city im not familiar with. I turned the corner onto a junction with large tenement style bulding, going from the shade of the building to the bright sunshine I was blinded and crashed into a metal railing.

In the car was DP 2 DC and MIL, MIL was sitting in the back passenger seat and was injured by the seat belt due to the impact. She was really badly brused and wad in alot of pain, no one else where hurt.

Fastfoward until now we don't have much contact with BIL I haven't really noticed a change in contact since this accident. However he is not happy about the crash and would have expected a personal phone call to explain to him what had happened at the time, not heard from others. Also 2 months afterwards was his 50th birthday and we didn't sent him anying disbite his DP remembering us it was coming up.

Not sure what to do about this. It never occurred to me to contact him after the accident and we were on holiday when it was his birthday.

WWYD

OP posts:
MouldyCandy · 03/06/2025 14:52

Not your brother, not your problem. Presumably your DH has a phone and knows BIL's number and his address to send a Birthday card.

parakeet · 03/06/2025 14:53

Ignore him. It was your DPs responsibility to send him a birthday card, and phone about his mum.

toomuchfaff · 03/06/2025 14:57

Let your DP handle it, his brother, his problem.

If BIL says anything to you, just say, ahh I'll have to pass you to DP to answer that, he's dealing with this situation.

TaupeRaven · 03/06/2025 15:00

MouldyCandy · 03/06/2025 14:52

Not your brother, not your problem. Presumably your DH has a phone and knows BIL's number and his address to send a Birthday card.

This. And why on earth is it the responsibility of you as the driver to explain your MILs injuries to your BIL? Is she not physically or mentally capable of doing it herself (genuine question), and if not then it's your DHs job to let whomever is her PoA/Guardian know. It sounds like your brother expects a grovelling apology from you over injuries sustained by someone who wasn't him in a situation he wasn't part of, like making you report to the headmaster. Yuck.

Coconutter24 · 03/06/2025 15:03

3 years ago? I’d of definitely got over it by now! Why couldn’t his bro or mum call him about the accident. A card could of been posted before the holiday but again that’s your dps fault

Penthrowingsurvivor · 03/06/2025 15:05

Also 2 months afterwards was his 50th birthday and we didn't sent him anying disbite his DP remembering us it was coming up.

bit shitty of his own brother, I don't know the family dynamics but in most families I know, siblings would at the very least acknowledge this. Being away on holiday is a poor excuse. It's up to your partner though, but I would have wished a happy birthday to friends, so I wouldn't have forgotten and kept silence.

The accident? Again, up to his brother - you wouldn't "inform" anyone just because you were the driver. Your partner should have discussed their mum

Original poster
Helbel1977 · 03/06/2025 15:25

TaupeRaven · 03/06/2025 15:00

This. And why on earth is it the responsibility of you as the driver to explain your MILs injuries to your BIL? Is she not physically or mentally capable of doing it herself (genuine question), and if not then it's your DHs job to let whomever is her PoA/Guardian know. It sounds like your brother expects a grovelling apology from you over injuries sustained by someone who wasn't him in a situation he wasn't part of, like making you report to the headmaster. Yuck.

Show quote history

Is is what im tthinking's it's like he was expecting a call from me to "explain myself" not as an update on his mum's injuries IYKWIM seems a bit yuk.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 03/06/2025 16:28

You might have been driving but it's your husband's responsibility to tell his brother what happened, update him on your MIL's injuries and organise his brother's birthday card/present. Why did your BIL expect a phone call from you? What difference would it have made? Did he expect you to call to apologise to him for having an accident and injuring his Mum???!! The person who needed an apology was your MIL, not your BIL, who wasn't even there!!

TreeDudette · 03/06/2025 16:33

Not your circus or your monkey - you do nothing. Why would you need to sort anything with DPs brother?

Potteryblue · 03/06/2025 16:36

Completely ignore.

beetr00 · 03/06/2025 16:37

@Helbel1977 agree his Mum should have updated, or he could have ensured she (and all others in the car) were ok.

Being on holiday does not really excuse the lack of 50th birthday wishes, does it though?

Unless ofc, you don't do birthdays, at all, whether you're reminded or not?

What are your husband's thoughts @Helbel1977 not really your circus is it? 🙂

eta; Agree with some previous posters

Spies · 03/06/2025 16:39

Well it's not your responsibility but from what you've written your husband sounds like he is a pretty uncaring person and crap brother. It would be quite normal to let your sibling know their parent had been in a car accident and to ignore his birthday is quite childish especially after he had been reminded.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/06/2025 16:40

The accident was 3 years ago? The birthday was a couple of months ago?

Just trying to get the timeline right. Seems odd that he’s holding a grudge and or this all to come up after so long. Are there other family members stirring the pot or passing messages?

Original poster
Helbel1977 · 03/06/2025 16:49

His birthday was 3 years ago also, it came out as DP had mentioned he hadn't seen or spoken to his brother in a while and MIL told him this was the reason.

We never usually do gifts for adults in the family only the children .

OP posts:
beetr00 · 03/06/2025 17:12

Helbel1977 · 03/06/2025 16:49

His birthday was 3 years ago also, it came out as DP had mentioned he hadn't seen or spoken to his brother in a while and MIL told him this was the reason.

We never usually do gifts for adults in the family only the children .

no birthday wishes either @Helbel1977?

Neither your DP nor yourself seem to have a close relationship with his family.

It is what it is! (that old chestnut!)

Nothing to be done here, unless you and your partner want to change the dynamic?

Spies · 03/06/2025 17:13

Helbel1977 · 03/06/2025 16:49

His birthday was 3 years ago also, it came out as DP had mentioned he hadn't seen or spoken to his brother in a while and MIL told him this was the reason.

We never usually do gifts for adults in the family only the children .

Even if you only normally do gifts for children most people would make an effort for a big birthday like their brother's 50th. Did he even wish him a happy birthday?

It's a bit odd he seems perplexed that his brothers not been in touch when he himself hasn't made any effort?

hydriotaphia · 03/06/2025 17:17

I do feel that it is odd your DP did not contact him after the accident or wish him a happy birthday on his 50th. I am not surprised he has cooled the relationship.

Original poster
Helbel1977 · 03/06/2025 17:50

I guess it's strange not to even wish him a happy birthday. I think I was more put out by the "phone to explain " comment.

OP posts:
Spies · 03/06/2025 17:53

I think it's much stranger for your husband to not wish him happy birthday and not telling him you'd been in an accident and his mum was hurt than for him to want to know she'd been hurt. Not sure why you think he's the weird one in all this, your husbands lack of contact is much weirder.

SandyY2K · 03/06/2025 17:55

Did your DP/DH not speak to your brother after the accident, to explain what happened?

I'd he didn't, he should have done, but they don't sound like they hand a close brotherly relationship.

Not wishing his brother happy birthday is poor tbh. Especially a milestone birthday.

Itisjustmyopinion · 03/06/2025 18:04

You might not do gifts for adults but for a sibling’s 50th, that is a bit shitty (but your DPs responsibility not yours)

Similarly, nobody telling me that my mum had been in an accident would piss me off. My mum not telling me I get as she wouldn’t want me to worry but I would absolutely expect my sibling to, especially if it was their partner that caused the accident and injury. So again your DH is the unreasonable one here if he didn’t contact at all. If it’s your BIL specifically wanted to hear from you then that’s a bit silly but I would have probably given him a call if I were you to keep the peace

Original poster
Helbel1977 · 03/06/2025 18:54

Itisjustmyopinion · 03/06/2025 18:04

You might not do gifts for adults but for a sibling’s 50th, that is a bit shitty (but your DPs responsibility not yours)

Similarly, nobody telling me that my mum had been in an accident would piss me off. My mum not telling me I get as she wouldn’t want me to worry but I would absolutely expect my sibling to, especially if it was their partner that caused the accident and injury. So again your DH is the unreasonable one here if he didn’t contact at all. If it’s your BIL specifically wanted to hear from you then that’s a bit silly but I would have probably given him a call if I were you to keep the peace

Just to be clear the DB did know about the accident right away, we were on our way to a family party when it happened. I think he iwas under the impression that he should have got an explanation of what had happened from me as the driver.

I can't really put into words but feel this is a bit odd.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 03/06/2025 18:55

I wouldn't do anything. Let your partner sort it out with his brother, if he wants to?

Spies · 03/06/2025 18:56

I don't think its unreasonable to want to know what happened. Just knowing his mum was in an accident isn't really helpful as it doesn't explain how seriously she's hurt or how the accident occured.

Why do you find his behaviour odd but not your husbands?

nomas · 03/06/2025 18:59

MIL is a grown woman, if she wanted to tell BIL about the accident, she would have.

Is BIL the elder son? Sounds like he wanted to be consulted as the head of the family.

Some men really get off on that.