Parents should never give up their dream?

[theprincessthepea]

Would you rather have ambitious parents that still pursue their own interest (as in career and hobbies within reason). Or a parent that gives up absolutely everything to parent (works a job they may not like, dedicates everything to parenting).

I saw a comment from someone that said that they do not want kids because they saw that their existence meant that their mum gave up all of her hopes and dreams - I found this sad.

I am a mum, and I managed to achieve a lot whilst having children, so it has made the experience nicer - I don’t feel resentment towards my children, and I’ve heard some people do. My mum gave up a lot to have us - however she loves family- she takes on other people’s children at will etc, so I never once felt as if we blocked her - yes she never pursued her dream career (in sport) , but she still worked and pursued hobbies, and I appreciate the work ethic I have watched. She was in her 40s when we were out of the house and she has such a colourful life now (as if she’s reclaiming her 20s!)

It must also be different if you have your children later as maybe there is that feeling that you’ve lived a life and you are now ready to pour into another (whereas I had mine young and have friends similar that have either paused completely or balanced it all).

Sorry that this is all based on women - I find that men tend to have the privilege to have both children and a life whilst for some women, everything stops; or we make the bigger sacrifice.

So what would you rather have

Reasonable - parents that are ambitious
Unreasonable - parents should give everything up

Because there’s no middle ground upon which many of us operate 😂

You’re right that this is typically only a question women face.

Middle ground is good. My love is travel. While you’re in the baby/toddler phase - shorter, safer holidays. Now teens - back to scary adventure travel with some attempts not to die and leave orphans. And I’m socialising DD to join in and be my travelling buddy as well.

Op you posted a very very different thread only a few months ago!

I have no resentments. I gave up a lot for my kids and there is no resentment! I take people have to decide for themselves what they want. Neither is wrong as long as they are happy.

I think it can be hard if your dream is all-consuming or requires more than you can give it post-kids for it to remain successful. I used to work 16 hours a day, 6 days a week before I had kids and I was happy doing my dream job. Now everything is very different but I won't sacrifice time with the kids for "my" dreams. I certainly think that while a middle ground would be nice, from talking to mums at the school gate (rather than on here where everyone seems to be top of their career earning 6 figures looking after 5 kids and 3 ponies or conversely living off 2p a week) there's still an either/or situation for too many of us.

I'm in the middle ground. However one of my proudest moments was graduating with my children watching. They have seen me change my job to become what I really wanted to be and I feel that's important for them to see.

@MrsTerryPratchett im the same - my love is travel but unlike you I didn’t do any shorter travel with mine (which maybe selfish) but I just took them everywhere. Oopsy.

I too am in the middle, my career took a backseat for a few years but is now back on track. I do things for myself , with the kids and for the kids. I think most people end up in the middle.

I would if I didn’t like places with no running water and risk of plague and dengue!

Although DH takes her camping so maybe she’d have loved that.

Not selfish at all. I know someone who took hers to Nepal for a year when he was small. He loved it.

I think you'd find middle ground there tbh

I dont want more kids though as I do want to live my life and if I had another, that would be it, no travelling the world for me, I think x

The sweet spot / realistic place is in the shades of grey, and it changes depending on kids ages

middle ground

it also changes over time as they get older, independent etc!

I want to make a big house move, but this is on a back burner for a few years which is just life. For now, I am throwing myself into my career and kids (as always)! where i am. So for now yes middle ground but I still do stuff for myself and make time for self care - always!

How did this person find out her mum gave up all her hopes and dreams? If the mum has told her this I think the mum probably failed at something and blamed it on the child.
If the person has just assumed this, maybe the mums hopes and dreams were all based around being a parent which there is nothing wrong with.

Well the OP truly engaged with the thread! 😆

My daughters ( now age 41 and 33).
Still say to me.. they are glad l was a SAHP... their friends are still envious.. some saying they never saw their parents...didn't get the quality time with them or do lots of the things we did.

I'm actually happy my mum never gave up or put her career on hold. She didn't bake pies and missed school pageants, but we did have a better overall life quality.

My mum always had her career and I'm glad of it - has friends whose mothers had nothing else going on and when they left they had major empty nest syndrome and made the kids feel guilty if they had their own stuff going on and couldn't be around all the time. My mother's never made me feel guilty about going off and living my life - she has her own. (And now that she's old and my dad is dead, she has plenty of money. So many women are financially disadvantaged for life by career breaks). No complaints.

Look, I love my kids… but I also love being a functioning adult with interests that don’t involve slime recipes or phonics homework. I want my kids to grow up knowing they can follow their dreams – mainly because they’ve seen me refusing to give up mine just because someone needs a packed lunch shaped like a dinosaur.

Honestly, the idea that parents should martyr themselves at the altar of CBeebies is wild. Do we want children who grow up thinking adulthood is just 18+ years of beige food and emotional depletion?

Give me ambitious, fulfilled, slightly frazzled parents over the “I gave up everything for you” brigade. That kind of energy turns up later in life… usually disguised as a guilt-trip over why you haven’t visited more.

I would have hated to feel my parents gave up everything for me. The pressure would have been enormous. It was bad enough being an only child and knowing I was their only focus as parents. If I'd have thought their only focus was being parents I'd have felt so much responsibility to them, reluctance to branch out with my own life because I'd be all they had. I know my adult children are pleased that I'm not dependent on them. That I have my job, friends and life and am not relying on them for a purpose.

Meh. Tricky one. My mum devoted herself (very successfully) to her career, especially in my early years. I watched the hard work she put in and the sacrifices she made. She is my role model. I have consistently overachieved and have climbed high and fast in my own career. However, this was at the cost to my MH rather substantially. And I always feel that I'm not as good as her. She has never made me feel that, if anything she has encouraged me to take time out to focus on my MH. But if I can't give my children my mum as their mother, I want to do the next best thing and be the best possible version of me for them.

And, as PP said, men never have this dilemma.

@Thesecondcoff OP has a life - finally home (after working) - in relation to this thread I was actually doing some craft this evening and brought my kids along - 1 is a baby (was asleep throughout thankfully) and the other a teen - and it was nice hearing my eldest ask me questions (mainly “I would never do your hobby it looks too hard”) - but she has always been my biggest cheerleader.

Also @Thesecondcoff A lot changes in a few months! 2025 has been a ride.

Going back to everyone else’s reply, I definitely relate to this idea of “middle ground” - I wouldn’t say I’m living my “dream life” - to be fair, I don’t really have a dream, but I do live my life for my family, but equally for myself. And although there are ups and downs, overall I’m content with where I am at.

I guess this thread has also made me question the interpretation of “living your dream”. I have a job that puts food on the table, which I enjoy, but it’s not necessarily the job of my dreams, but there are opportunities there. Equally I pursue hobbies and sometimes I’m able to make a little extra cash. I would love for money. But I never miss my children’s school plays, weekends are strictly for family. I have somewhat of a social life - and I give back to my immediate community in my own way. The combination of all of this makes me feel fulfilled - regardless of what my life circumstance actually is (if that makes any sense).

Would this be grey?

I guess my post was about exploring the 2 extremes because I know that typically the average person probably sits in the middle.

@5128gap I agree. I think as good parents we try to build a sense of security for children - so I can only imagine the circumstances that would allow you to discover such harsh truths from parents.

I reflected on this and in summary, my dreams changed.

I dreamed of having a flashy job with travel.

Since having kids, I didn't want that. I wanted to be with them.

I did have a successful career also. However, when that went pear shaped, I was okay. Thete were other things in my life.

Definitely has to be a middle ground. It a parent feels like they've "given up their dream" for their children they must be showing some resentment and that's unfair to the children who didn't actually ask to be here.. so parents should still have time to pursue their own interests to some degree, but the priority has to be children when you are responsible for them even if that means sacrifice for yourself.

If we have to pick one I’d pick the first assuming that the person giving up everything for parenting isn’t 100 percent happy about that decision… I personally LOVE being a parent so much that I’m happy with what I’ve given up to accommodate that (which is by no means everything as this wasn’t necessary/possible in reality especially work/career unfortunately due to financial realities) and wouldn’t have changed it for the world. As non “PC” as it is to say it in this day and age, and as much of a feminist as I would call myself, genuinely my dream was always really to be a mum (and a wife but that part of it didn’t work out). I would have loved to have had the option to be a stay at home mum but again that didn’t work out lol. I agree most of us can see pros and cons in both and lie somewhere in the middle in reality.

Having my DDs completely changed the trajectory of my life! I had DD1 at 41 & DD2 at 42. I had a very demanding - and successful career - that I never envisaged stepping back from. I really enjoyed my work. I took nine months Maternity leave and fell pregnant with DD2 immediately upon my return. Returning to work was very strange - just such a major priority shift and constant work/Mum guilt. I worked until two days before DD2 arrived and knew immediately that I would need to take a career break. And I did. I fully intended to return to my career when they started school. They never did start school … 🤷🏼‍♀️ DD1 was hyper attached (eventual ASD diagnosis) and I opted to Home Educate. I had to mourn the loss of my career. And I did. My DDs are 16 & 15 and the dreams I had 16 years ago are simply not my dreams of today! I’d lived that dream - I just didn’t know it. I’m now at the point where I can live out the new ones … and my DDs get to watch me. I don’t know if this is a ‘middle ground’ or the result of me finally being brave enough to say fuck convention…I just know it’s been a mad, wonderful adventure. And I’m super excited to see what happens now 😂