Parents should never give up their dream?

[theprincessthepea]

Would you rather have ambitious parents that still pursue their own interest (as in career and hobbies within reason). Or a parent that gives up absolutely everything to parent (works a job they may not like, dedicates everything to parenting).

I saw a comment from someone that said that they do not want kids because they saw that their existence meant that their mum gave up all of her hopes and dreams - I found this sad.

I am a mum, and I managed to achieve a lot whilst having children, so it has made the experience nicer - I don’t feel resentment towards my children, and I’ve heard some people do. My mum gave up a lot to have us - however she loves family- she takes on other people’s children at will etc, so I never once felt as if we blocked her - yes she never pursued her dream career (in sport) , but she still worked and pursued hobbies, and I appreciate the work ethic I have watched. She was in her 40s when we were out of the house and she has such a colourful life now (as if she’s reclaiming her 20s!)

It must also be different if you have your children later as maybe there is that feeling that you’ve lived a life and you are now ready to pour into another (whereas I had mine young and have friends similar that have either paused completely or balanced it all).

Sorry that this is all based on women - I find that men tend to have the privilege to have both children and a life whilst for some women, everything stops; or we make the bigger sacrifice.

So what would you rather have

Reasonable - parents that are ambitious
Unreasonable - parents should give everything up

None of those extremes are great. If I really had to pick, then the first one provided the children still get care and attention.

Generally speaking, giving up everything to look after the family seems like a terrible idea to me. Fair enough I’m a single parent, but for 10+ years my life was strictly work + home and when DD turned 18 I went through a massive crisis because I had nothing that was “mine” going on, as all my focus had been on parenting (and I never had any money left to socialise or pursue hobbies, to be honest). It was unhealthy and if I were to do it over again, I’d put more focus on myself too.

There is always a middle ground and definitely have a partner who supports your dreams.
One of the joys of having children for me is I can share my dreams with them and perhaps pass on something to them like a sense of adventure or ambition.

Oh please. People seem to always justify whatever the hell they want to do and then have their children adapt around that.

I think if you aren’t willing to make any compromises to your life then you shouldn’t have children. They need time and attention. It doesn’t mean giving up who you are though.

Most people are in the middle ground shades of grey zone.

Also what might have been a dream in your mid-20s when you're getting established and finding a flow in adult life might not be a dream 20 years later whether you've got teenagers or a young family or remained child-free.

I've sacrificed career progression, but that's not all on the DCs anyway. A substantial part is due to changes within the sector that I worked in affecting my desire for promotion and its value for work/life balance.

I've still retained and gained experiences that fulfill myself and my needs as a person, and some of that enriches the DC's lives.

I don't dread an "empty nest" it will be an opportunity to diversify life. Also parenting is a constant progression. Family life with a baby, 5yo, 10yo, 15yo and 20yo will always look different and parental flexibility improves as children grow up anyway.

The hard extremes of martyrdom and carrying on regardless of children's needs are both harmful in their own way and few people take those paths.