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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I allowed to be upset here?

37 replies

ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:02

For context - old childhood friend came out of the woodwork around the time she got engaged, by inviting me and my OH to her wedding. We saw her and her OH a lot socially in the run up to her wedding, and before ours. She came to my hen do, lied about why she left early (a Facebook post caught her out) and we've not seen them socially since my wedding.

She couldn't understand that bad morning sickness meant I couldn't eat out for the duration of my pregnancy, and they bailed last minute on the baby shower. She messaged me when my baby was born, didn't understand that it took me almost 3 months to feel human again after a c-section, and hasn't messaged me beyond a generic reply to a happy birthday message last summer.

She didn't message me to even wish my DD happy birthday.

Am I right in being upset by her actions? Or am I being unreasonable and expecting too much from someone I've known for over 20 years?

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 03/06/2025 14:09

You are definitely unreasonable in expecting anyone outside the family to remember your DC’s birthday.

As for the rest, not enough information. I can see from her point of view, she tried to do things with you while you were pregnant, you always said no (it would be very rare for a woman to feel so sick for the whole pregnancy that she wouldn’t go out at all even for a cup of tea or a walk in the park, so she probably isn’t sure whether to believe you or not) and then it took you three months to reply to her message congratulating you on your baby’s birth. I understand how that could happen, but someone who hasn’t had children, or had easy deliveries, might well not understand that.

All in all, she may be feeling as hurt and upset as you are. If you want to maintain the friendship, make more of an effort now by proposing meeting up or calling for a chat and see what happens. Or else just let the friendship slide naturally. It may come back again at a point in your lives when you are both less busy.

Penthrowingsurvivor · 03/06/2025 14:10

Does she have kids? It does sound like she doesn't.

It's not unreasonable to have no interest in babies and children and to distance yourself from new mothers when you have nothing in common - many new mothers are understandably living in a baby "bubble" and are not great companions unless you have kids the same age.

She didn't message me to even wish my DD happy birthday.
YABU
that's something for parents and grand- parents, you can send a quick message if you see it on FB, but people don't really care, or have to!

babystarsandmoon · 03/06/2025 14:11

It’s all a bit petty.

Darragon · 03/06/2025 14:11

Some people just have no real understanding of what life is like for others. I'd fade her out and move on with friends who "get you".

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 03/06/2025 14:15

I'd you wanted to, you would.
You would have met up with her for a cup of tea, even if you couldn't eat. You would also have replied to her sooner.

The same applies for her, if she really wanted to be friends she would look past all of that and be proactive to build the friendship.

Neither of you are really working at it.

But YABU to expect her to remember your DDs birthday. That is pretty bonkers. I barely remember my nephews birthday and have to check which day it is in my phone when we get close to the month.

I don't know any of my friends children's birthdays, nor would they expect me to. I am friends with them, not their child.

NuffSaidSam · 03/06/2025 14:15

If she's never been pregnant or given birth then it's not really surprising that she doesn't understand the sickness or recovery period. You don't properly understand all the things you haven't experienced. That's just how life works.

No-one outside of your family really cares when your baby's birthday is.

If the friendship isn't working for you then let it drop, she seems happy enough to let it go. There doesn't need to be an unreasonable one and a victim. You're just in different places now, it happens.

BallerinaRadio · 03/06/2025 14:15

If you're upset, you're upset. You don't need anybody's permission to be upset about something.

I'd everyone voted YABU would you just stop being upset?

Original poster
ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:16

To add more context, I was struggling throughout the entire pregnancy even with multiple anti-sickness drugs and anti-bile medicine throughout the day. Certain smells would make me throw up even with the drugs, so restaurants were an absolute no go for me!

The only thing this particular friend would ever agree to do was meet up for a meal, which was very frustrating for me. She also refused to do anything one on one with me, and I was always the one working around her comfort zone, not mine, throughout the friendship.

Also, she never remembered my birthday either. The not remembering my DD birthday isn't what upset me, it just felt like another nail in the friendship coffin. I'm more upset at the loss of what I thought was a good friendship, once it had rekindled.

Not a mum herself. Most of my friends aren't mums and they haven't gone weird with me.

OP posts:
KarmenPQZ · 03/06/2025 14:17

It sounds like the friendship wasn’t a priority for you for a long time. It sounds like you only saw each other socially. Then you didn’t eat out of 9 months due to pregnancy so of course that sent her the message of how true the friendship was…. A friendship of convenience. No shame in that, maybe your life paths will cross again and you can pick up.

I do t think it’s anything be be upset about. Just accept your part in it.

Original poster
ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:17

BallerinaRadio · 03/06/2025 14:15

If you're upset, you're upset. You don't need anybody's permission to be upset about something.

I'd everyone voted YABU would you just stop being upset?

Nope, just want to see if my perspective aligns with how other people would perceive things!

OP posts:
Koalafan · 03/06/2025 14:17

NuffSaidSam · 03/06/2025 14:15

If she's never been pregnant or given birth then it's not really surprising that she doesn't understand the sickness or recovery period. You don't properly understand all the things you haven't experienced. That's just how life works.

No-one outside of your family really cares when your baby's birthday is.

If the friendship isn't working for you then let it drop, she seems happy enough to let it go. There doesn't need to be an unreasonable one and a victim. You're just in different places now, it happens.

A good balanced reply. 👍

Original poster
ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:17

My word, I hope none of you ever have the level of morning sickness I experienced.

OP posts:
InMyOpenOnion · 03/06/2025 14:18

It sounds like it's just not a particularly close relationship on either side. It's not really how long you have known someone that matters but more how much you both share.

Annascaul · 03/06/2025 14:19

ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:02

For context - old childhood friend came out of the woodwork around the time she got engaged, by inviting me and my OH to her wedding. We saw her and her OH a lot socially in the run up to her wedding, and before ours. She came to my hen do, lied about why she left early (a Facebook post caught her out) and we've not seen them socially since my wedding.

She couldn't understand that bad morning sickness meant I couldn't eat out for the duration of my pregnancy, and they bailed last minute on the baby shower. She messaged me when my baby was born, didn't understand that it took me almost 3 months to feel human again after a c-section, and hasn't messaged me beyond a generic reply to a happy birthday message last summer.

She didn't message me to even wish my DD happy birthday.

Am I right in being upset by her actions? Or am I being unreasonable and expecting too much from someone I've known for over 20 years?

Sorry, you didn’t leave the house for an entire year??
Of course she didn’t believe you, from her perspective you’re the one who dumped her.
How could you be that sick for a full year?

Koalafan · 03/06/2025 14:19

ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:17

My word, I hope none of you ever have the level of morning sickness I experienced.

Nobody is undermining your experience, simply trying to give perspective.

Original poster
ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:21

InMyOpenOnion · 03/06/2025 14:18

It sounds like it's just not a particularly close relationship on either side. It's not really how long you have known someone that matters but more how much you both share.

It honestly felt as though we'd got a lot closer as adults, so I am sad about how things have ended up.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 03/06/2025 14:21

ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:17

My word, I hope none of you ever have the level of morning sickness I experienced.

If you just want people to validate your feelings you are in the wrong place.

I get Increasingly baffled be people asking “AIBU” then disagreeing with anyone who says anything opposing their narrative”

Penthrowingsurvivor · 03/06/2025 14:22

Not a mum herself. Most of my friends aren't mums and they haven't gone weird with me.

that's totally irrelevant.

It doesn't mean everyone has to be thrown into baby world. If you don't have kids, it's fine not to be thrown into baby world unless you really want to.

People are allowed to dislike being around kids/ babies/ talks about babies
People are allowed not to want waste their free time with other people's children
Women are allowed to be upset if they are unable to have kids themselves

dogcatkitten · 03/06/2025 14:22

You had a friendship that fizzled out, you met again became friends again and it's fizzled out again. There doesn't seem to be anything substantial keeping the friendship going, just let it go, you may become friends again when your stars align again.

Original poster
ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:22

ExtraOnions · 03/06/2025 14:21

If you just want people to validate your feelings you are in the wrong place.

I get Increasingly baffled be people asking “AIBU” then disagreeing with anyone who says anything opposing their narrative”

Show quote history

Nah, it's just don't invalidate my experience if it differs from your own, which is ironically what has happened here.

OP posts:
Augarden · 03/06/2025 14:22

I don't think she's done anything wrong. Hopefully you get a chance to reconnect soon, but if not, these things happen.

Original poster
ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:25

Annascaul · 03/06/2025 14:19

Sorry, you didn’t leave the house for an entire year??
Of course she didn’t believe you, from her perspective you’re the one who dumped her.
How could you be that sick for a full year?

Show quote history

I did not eat a meal anywhere other than my own home or parents' home because of the sickness.

As I stated, I was happy to go out and about if it wasn't somewhere where all I could smell was food.

OP posts:
Annascaul · 03/06/2025 14:26

ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:22

Nah, it's just don't invalidate my experience if it differs from your own, which is ironically what has happened here.

Show quote history

Who had invalidated your experience? People disagreeing or simply giving their opinion is not “invalidating” anything at all.

EcoChica1980 · 03/06/2025 14:33

I suspect this feels very different from her point of view...

'old childhood friend came out of the woodwork' - so no relationship for years then she instgated contact, right?

'by inviting me and my OH to her wedding' - and she wanted you at her wedding?

'She came to my hen do, lied about why she left early (a Facebook post caught her out) - but she came in the first place, right?

'She couldn't understand that bad morning sickness meant I couldn't eat out for the duration of my pregnancy' - so you refused her invitiations to meet for the best part of a year?

'She messaged me when my baby was born, didn't understand that it took me almost 3 months to feel human again after a c-section' - So she congratulated you and you responded with nothing for three months?

'hasn't messaged me beyond a generic reply to a happy birthday message last summer.' You sent a cursory message, and she sent a cursory response.

'She didn't message me to even wish my DD happy birthday.' No one does this.

'Am I right in being upset by her actions?' - Nope.

Original poster
ThisAmberShark · 03/06/2025 14:41

EcoChica1980 · 03/06/2025 14:33

I suspect this feels very different from her point of view...

'old childhood friend came out of the woodwork' - so no relationship for years then she instgated contact, right?

'by inviting me and my OH to her wedding' - and she wanted you at her wedding?

'She came to my hen do, lied about why she left early (a Facebook post caught her out) - but she came in the first place, right?

'She couldn't understand that bad morning sickness meant I couldn't eat out for the duration of my pregnancy' - so you refused her invitiations to meet for the best part of a year?

'She messaged me when my baby was born, didn't understand that it took me almost 3 months to feel human again after a c-section' - So she congratulated you and you responded with nothing for three months?

'hasn't messaged me beyond a generic reply to a happy birthday message last summer.' You sent a cursory message, and she sent a cursory response.

'She didn't message me to even wish my DD happy birthday.' No one does this.

'Am I right in being upset by her actions?' - Nope.

Edited

Interesting perspective, thanks for sharing.

There were messages exchanged between us throughout my pregnancy, and I did message her after my baby was born, asking how she was etc. It's not like I didn't try, but trying to arrange to do anything that wasn't a meal out fell flat on its face, not for lack of trying on my part.

95% of the time, before it fizzled out originally and this time, it was me that reached out first. Quite often I wouldn't get a reply, to the point that I gave up as a teenager. It felt very weird over a decade later being invited to her wedding, considering I hadn't seen her for so long.

From my perspective, I tried again this time and got bailed on several times, and lied to at least a couple, which is why I stopped trying as much.

I'm upset because I'd hoped this time things would be different, but I guess its run its course.

OP posts: