To report father of child to the police?

[dorrena]

I have recently left father of my toddler as he was verbally abusive, nasty and just so awful to me.

I look after toddler on my own 7 days a week and he will visit my home when it suits him to see DC.
No formal agreement in place.

He does give me money weekly for DC.

I am very restricted in what I can do as he just makes my life so difficult.
Every time he visits he will treat my house as if it’s his own, opening windows, moving my stuff, I hate having him in my house as I am told what to do and it dosent even feel like my home when he is here.

Anyway 5 years ago he was involved in a car crash whilst under the influence and amazingly the police and insurance company believed his versions of events that someone at the festival he was attending stole his keys and crashed the car.

Over the weekend I managed to record him confessing that he was the one who was driving and crashed the car.

My mental health is very bad because of him, I had an endoscopy on Thursday and gave inflammation on my stomach due to stress as I don’t have the other factors and since the weekend I have been quite ill vomititng from his recent abuse.

Shall I report him to the police?
I am desperate to be free of his evil man.
I just wish he would die to be honest at least I would be free from his abuse.

You need to stop him coming to your home and make child arrangements via court, for supervised contact, in a contact centre, on an agreed schedule.

I very much doubt the police are going to be interested in a secret amateur recording taken as part of a bitter break up about something which happened years ago and for which there’s no remaining evidence.

I wouldn't have this man in my house. I'd make arrangements for him to see his child in a contact centre, his own home or a relative's home.

No I wouldn't report him. I would stop him coming into the house.

So you report him, and then what? Police question him and he gets to know it was you who told them. Do you think he’s suddenly going to become nicer to you as a result?

Put your energy into putting boundaries in place, arrange proper access and concentrate on your child.

@ComtesseDeSpair
I have tried to arrange a formal agreement but he says he will reduce the money he gives me.

I am definitely going to be going through court now, I don’t even care if I get less money as I will get a job

I just don’t want any more contact with him.

Stop letting him in your house. The telling the police sounds a bit immature to me. "I'm telling on you" kind of vibe and won't actually help your situation. So get a ring doorbell. Deny him access. If he threatens you with court, he can go ahead. (He probably won't). He's controlling you and you need to stop him now

If you go to court & have a formal agreement maintenance can be part of the court order. Alternatively you could go through the DWP. Child Maintenance Service: How to apply - GOV.UK

Did you speak to the police at the time of the incident? You could have been perverting the course of justice having known this for 5 years and only reporting it now.
You should report him to the police for abusive behaviour, maybe look at a non-mol order too if you don't want to have contact with him.

I very much doubt anytone will do anything about an accident from five years ago. And really, all you'd be doing is ramping up the aggression and arguments.

Instead, put boundaries in place. Tell him that he can't see your child in your home anymore. He's welcome to collect DC and take them out for a few hours. Ideally, you'd prefer this to be formalised but if he won't, you'll be happy to make DC available if it's convenient and of course, the more notice he gives you the easier it will be for you to accomodate his schedule.

In the meantime, start the process of formal contact. If he stops giving you money, go to CMS.

Tell him you need a formal agreement in place and that contact needs to take place outside of your home. It’s almost summer, which helps. They can go to the park together. If you trust him to look after your toddler on his own then start insisting they go out for contact. If you can’t trust your ex to look after your child safely then start meeting him at the park instead of at your house.
If he has a job, and threatens to stop giving you maintenance money, you file a claim with CMS and they will take over. If he’s self employed or changes jobs often then yes, he could mess you around with payments. Are you claiming everything you are entitled to in terms of benefits? Have you looked into whether you are eligible for subsidized childcare so you can start work?
What do you think will happen when you tell your ex you want contact to happen elsewhere? (Serious question - advice about how to move towards this goal will vary depending on whether he’s just unpleasant or whether he scares you.)

No I only recently found out as the story kept changing.

To be honest I think court is the only way now.
He refuses to look after DC, has weekends away, his life carries on as normal.
He visits when it suits him and as I have said I absolutely hate having him in my house.

I am going to get some info today about court etc and get the ball in motion.
He is very controlling but has the cheek to say I control him when he does what he wants, when he wants.

And leave the historic driving offense alone. Unfortunately reporting him won’t end up with him being carted off to jail and out of your hair and will likely just aggravate things.

Reporting him for a historic crime won't stop him coming to your house.
You need to get formal childcare arrangements with him through the courts and stop him coming to your house. Change the locks if you have to. If he persists report him and get a no contact order.

The court will decide how much maintenance he should provide. It might even be more than he provides now

No separate out the issues. They likely wont do anything anyway.

Stop being available to your ex at your home. Get on your feet. Get money together. Stop relying on him because CMS is typically derisory so you cannot rely on that. Get a contact agreement then stick to your side of it. Expect the outcome that when he looses control everything will change both money and contact wise. Then don’t let him into your home for any reason, ideally meet at a neutral venue and start living your life again.

Sorting out some childcare and a job will help hugely with the problem of your ex just turning up whenever. The less time you are home and available the less time you are available for him to come round and bother you unannounced and the more helpful it becomes for him to have a fixed schedule, or at least to start calling ahead and asking if your child is available at X time. When your child school starts school, routine becomes necessary and inescapable. You are going to win this standoff, it just might take some time and be unpleasant.

You can't let someone who scares you into your house. and I wouldn't let them look after a vulnerable toddler either.

Have you tried contacting places like Women's Aid for advice. If its so stressful its making you vomit.. this is abuse.

Get your advice. File the papers but there's no need to tell him when he is in your house and you are both alone. It sounds too risky.

Yes, report him for abusive or coercive control. The car crash thing might lead nowhere and inflame his abuse towards you.

To be honest, it's a blessing that he isn't in your child's life that much, I wouldn't push for more! If anything, I'd try to cut him off completely. Yes it's hard to do solo parenting 100% of the time, but preferable than letting an abusive person in your child’s life!!!!

Contact CMS. They will decide the correct amount of
money he should give and make sure you get it, they can take it direct from his wages if he refuses. Stop allowing him in your house. Make sure he doesn’t have keys and do not allow him in again. Change locks if need be. You can contact CMS today and get the ball rolling.

Stop allowing this man to have so much control. You hold the power here.

You are doing it alone anyway OP, go through the CMS for child support. But even if it does mean a bit less money every week, regaining control over your life and removing his presence from your home will be worth it. You can claim UC, things might be little tighter financially but you will manage, thousands of lone parents do.

The police won’t prosecute him using your video clip, let it go (sadly)

definitely have him see dc elsewhere

You're already doing 100% of the parenting as he comes to your house. If he doesn't bother because you won't let him in your house then your situation has still improved because you don;t need to deal with him!

Tell him that you're open to sorting between yourselves a contact schedule, if he refuses then it's up to him to take you to court. If he wants to be a Dad he'll take you up on your very reasonable offer. If he doesn't and tries to threaten you (ie refusing to pay maintenance or see the child), don't listen to it.

You can't force someone to be a good parent and you should NOT give in to a bully. I know how it feels when you think you're putting your child first by making yourself unhappy because they deserve a Dad...they do, but that ends up with your child learning that they simply need to bully someone to get what they want. Or that if their Mum allows herself to be walked all over then so should they.

IT's up to him to do the right thing. And one good parent is better than two where there is toxicity and controlling behaviour.

You're already doing 100% of the parenting as he comes to your house. If he doesn't bother because you won't let him in your house then your situation has still improved because you don;t need to deal with him!

Tell him that you're open to sorting between yourselves a contact schedule, if he refuses then it's up to him to take you to court. If he wants to be a Dad he'll take you up on your very reasonable offer. If he doesn't and tries to threaten you (ie refusing to pay maintenance or see the child), don't listen to it.

You can't force someone to be a good parent and you should NOT give in to a bully. I know how it feels when you think you're putting your child first by making yourself unhappy because they deserve a Dad...they do, but that ends up with your child learning that they simply need to bully someone to get what they want. Or that if their Mum allows herself to be walked all over then so should they.

IT's up to him to do the right thing. And one good parent is better than two where there is toxicity and controlling behaviour.

Going to the police is only going to make your relationship worse.