To report father of child to the police?

[dorrena]

I have recently left father of my toddler as he was verbally abusive, nasty and just so awful to me.

I look after toddler on my own 7 days a week and he will visit my home when it suits him to see DC.
No formal agreement in place.

He does give me money weekly for DC.

I am very restricted in what I can do as he just makes my life so difficult.
Every time he visits he will treat my house as if it’s his own, opening windows, moving my stuff, I hate having him in my house as I am told what to do and it dosent even feel like my home when he is here.

Anyway 5 years ago he was involved in a car crash whilst under the influence and amazingly the police and insurance company believed his versions of events that someone at the festival he was attending stole his keys and crashed the car.

Over the weekend I managed to record him confessing that he was the one who was driving and crashed the car.

My mental health is very bad because of him, I had an endoscopy on Thursday and gave inflammation on my stomach due to stress as I don’t have the other factors and since the weekend I have been quite ill vomititng from his recent abuse.

Shall I report him to the police?
I am desperate to be free of his evil man.
I just wish he would die to be honest at least I would be free from his abuse.

Well you have a child with him you are pretty much tied to him for life now, sure as your child grows there may be less contact but I presume he won't vanish totally

Do people not realise this when they sleep with someone? You need legal advice

@dorrena your house, he has no right to come in!! stop being a wuss and tell him. just open the window and tell him to wait or meet in the park so he can see dc!

Ignore the gaslighting he does by telling you that you are controlling or anything else.

Put your boundaries in place now. Stop letting him in the house. It must feel terribly invasive and unsafe for you. Write him a text and say from now on he cannot come in house, you will meet him at x place for all handovers. If he doesn’t like it and doesn’t visit son that is his choice. If he threatens to stop paying for son tell him you’ll apply through maintenance. You can go through the gov website to claim maintenance direct from his wages.

No court can make him visit his child or have him on set weekends. He will likely always decide to have weekends for himself as he is a selfish horrible man by sounds of it - hence you left him! Well done - honestly it’s big step.

You need to find a support system without him. Look into free childcare options to help you work and just generally get solo time. If you have friends and family ask for some support. If you have no one look at mums groups you could join.

ps I don’t think police will care about the historical drink driving incidence. But if he threatens, harasses or hurts you then report every single incident to keep a log of his behaviour. This will matter. Talk to some DV charities. Even if he hasn’t hit you it sounds like he definitely used coercive control - and is still trying to

I wouldn’t report him as it’s unlikely the police will act on the basis of a recording. What you need to do instead is to take steps to remove this man from your life as much as possible. Start by purchasing a ring door bell. Next text him and let him know from now on contact will not be happening in your home and if he wants contact it needs to be on set days and times and handovers will happen at the doorstep. Also let him know all communication needs to go through an app from now on and you won’t respond to any other ways of communicating. If he argues with you about contact tell him he is welcome to make an application through court. Next get legal advice, as you should qualify for legal aid due to the domestic abuse. Then google domestic abuse charity and your county and self refer to a local charity that can offer you one to one support. Finally, approach your local children’s centre and ask them to enrol you on the freedom programme there.

Go to court, get visitation in place and don't let him in your house at all. You can make a claim for child maintenance as well. I wouldn't get involved in reporting him to the police, it probably wouldn't lead to a prosecution and even if it did, the backlog in the court system means it would take years. You can take control of the situation and minimise your contact with him but having a child together means there will always be some contact until your child is 18 - that's assuming he actually bothers making an effort to see his son once he realises you're not going to allow him to control you.

No I wouldn’t do this, I know someone who had this exact situation and it never occurred to me to report them, seems like you are looking for an excuse to not have him in your house when you could just say no.

To be clear, even as you go to court etc, that doesn't mean you have t olet him in your house in the meantime. You do know that right?

You do need to realise that once you refuse to let him in your house, the chances are that he will a) up the rhetoric of YOU being abusive/controlling/toxic etc and b) most likely refuse to pay and c) most likely refuse to see your DC. But you still need to do it.

At the hospital now as my son has a mark on his eye and the GP make a referral to the eye clinic and he is having a go at me telling me that there is nothing wrong with DC’s eye.

I do go to the GP if I am worried about something and every time he makes me feel like I’m weird over paranoid mum for doing so.
Even now we’re waiting in the hospital and I am being told I shouldn’t of gone to the GP to get DC’s eye checked and if he was with “certain people”
they would listen to him.

When I gave birth to DC it was on my maternity notes as the midwives witnessed how he was belittling me as did another patient on the ward.

He really makes me feel so depressed, I can’t even tell my family as they didn’t want me to be with him in the first place and feel like a failure for asking for help.

Every time he comes to my house he will critisize my parenting, tell me what to do, I can’t take it anymore.

I can’t do anything as he his social life comes first, like he has just had a weekend away.

If I dare argue about having time to myself I am told I am controlling him.
He says to me all the time he needs to live life and do him.

He really makes me feel as if it is me and in this crazy woman
He tells me all his family and friends hate me

Every time he comes to my house he will critisize my parenting, tell me what to do, I can’t take it anymore.
I can’t do anything as he his social life comes first, like he has just had a weekend away.

These are two completely separate issues.

The first is to do with the fact that you must stop letting him in your house, stop engaging with him outside of arranging logistics etc.

The second one is a massively unfair reality - do not expect him to "help" you, or to be reliable or to make it so that you can live a life that is as flexible as his or that even involves him facilitating any free time for you. It will not happen. It's deeply deeply unfair, but it is what it is. If you want an evening out, ask your family or friends for help or hire a babysitter. It's horrible and unfair but the sooner you accept that he is NOT going to give you credit, he's not going to do anything that will make your life easier etc, the easier it will be to move on.

As for your family, perhaps you need to admit to them that you were wrong to be with him but what's done is done and you'd like their help now as you try to keep the boundaries in place.

"I can’t even tell my family as they didn’t want me to be with him in the first place and feel like a failure for asking for help."

Your family will be glad you are asking for help. They saw what he was like.

And even if you did feel "like a failure" for asking for help... is that any worse than what you are going through day after day right now. A brief feeling of foolishness before getting actual help and support to protect you and your child from now on from a cruel man. Isn't it worth it?

He was horrible enough for it to be noticed midwifes and another patient to have it noted on your Hospital notes. There's probably more incidences of people witnessing his horrible behaviour to you. this could be evidence of long term issues. Speak to a solicitor and see if you can get some legal help to keep him at bay.
I hope your son's eye is OK and that you are not waiting too long to be seen. How does he even know you are at A&E?

Please call your family for help

Also, who cares if his family and friends hate you. They're HIS family and friends and you dn't have to have anything to do with him.

Of course, abusive wankers like this will tell you LOTS of things that are totally untrue and/or will lie about you to their family and friends. The sooner you realise that you cannot please him, you cannot get him to be a rational or kind person and that you don't have to be impacted by what anyone else thinks of you, the better.

I know you don't want to but perhaps contacting your family would be a good idea. His behaviour is making you unwell and he will never stop being like this. Contact the csa so a formal arrangement can be put in place. Also if he comes to your house, causes trouble and refuses to leave then you should call the police . See a solicitor about how his behaviour is and is there anything then can be done to prevent him from entering your home.

Contact Women's Aid for support, you need advice and someone alongside you on this journey https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

You clearly made the right decision taking your son to the gp - your gp made a referral, which is proof they thought it was worth getting a specialist opinion on. Your GP agrees with you, NOT your ex.
Have you heard of the grey rock concept? If you search for it on Mumsnet, you’ll get lots of posts where people mention it. The idea is, to be super super boring and not react to nonsense messages. So when your ex is having a go at you for taking your son to the doctor and the hospital, you don’t react, you just say something super bland like, ´ok, I’ll let you know if the specialist thinks there’s an issue’ and then stop replying to any further nonsense on the issue.

@dorrena i am very sure that if you tell your family you are having problems with him and you are no longer with him, then they will be running to defend you!

Hi
Just got DC settled after his hospital appointment.
It was done as an urgent 2 week referral as the GP wanted a specialist opinion and the lovely doctor at the hospital even said I had done the right thing by getting it checked out.
Thankfully all is well, as I don’t have a car my ex had to take us and just got abuse on the way and back from the hospital.

I really need to get a car so I am not always relying on him for these kind of things.

Its amazing but during the time I was with him I was sick once and just felt nauseous but as soon as he went I felt so much better.

I have told him that after today I don’t want him in my house again.
I think tomorrow I will look into childcare, talking to family etc as even being with him for a few hours has just drained me.

Thank you for all the lovely kind and supportive messages, I really appreciate it when I feel so down and alone xx

Get the bus, train or a taxi in future. Ask a friend or relative. Stop involving him. Stop letting him into your safe space at all. Do a Child Maintenance service claim online tonight. It’s very, very simple. You basically just give him your address and tell them how much childcare he does. Currently he does 0 because sitting in your house does not count as him having custody. They will work out how much he has to pay and it’s a legal requirement. He can’t ever threaten to withhold it. You can have it taken straight from his wages if he does. You can use the calculator online tonight to work out how much it would suggest he will need to pay you, if you know his income.

Go through court for contact.

Go through CMS for maintenence and if you think he’ll avoid it then ask for autopay where they take it from him and give it direct to you but take a small cut to process this.

As for reporting him. That’s up to you. But do it because it’s the right thing for justice - not as a get out of your life card.