Registering baby’s birth

[serena1988]

My baby is now 3 weeks old and we have the birth registration appointment today. The relationship has been steadily going downhill for a while now due to partner’s demands which I won’t go into detail but basically we had a massive argument this morning and said we are separating. This has happened many times but eventually things cool down and we go back to being ok, until he starts the argument again. I am not sure what will happen with us to be honest, at the moment I am totally done with it but also very dependant on him and the lifestyle we have, not to mention I want my kids to have a present father. We have another child together who has his surname an he his on the birth certificate.
I don’t know what to do about today’s appointment, do I add him as the father? Do I use his surname so both children have the same surname? What would be best for the children?
Thank you

Yes. Register him the same as his sibling. They were made and born in the same circumstances. Whatever is going on with the two of you, they come first.

If this was your first child together and he’d walked out / was refusing to be involved then leaving him off the birth certificate might be an option worth considering, but that’s not the situation you’re in. He’s in your life and your children’s lives forever whether you like it or not.

You chose to give your first child their father’s surname, so you need to do the same for the second. It would be extremely weird for two full siblings to have different surnames - how awkward will that be for them to explain growing up?

Stop involving your child in your drama. He is the dad.

Yes this is not my drama is his. I woke up today and had to put up with his moods and verbal abuse and demands again when I am in the throes of raising a newborn and exclusively breastfeeding all night long (while he goes to another room to have a good night sleep). What I mean by this is that he said today, possibly out of anger, or not, ‘I don’t want to be in his birth certificate and have to pay for him too. You can have the kids and move out’
However, I agree with previous posters, I would like me children to have the same surname.

It's a fact he's the father so yes, he should be registered. I'd only ever consider not including a father if I thought he was a genuine threat to the baby, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

I really hope things improve soon though OP, it sounds like a stressful situation.

But what does any of this have to do with the birth certificate? He is the father.

Are you married?
If not he has to be at the appointment to register.
You can put whatever surname you want (ie the one you and your other child have) but if he wants to be listed under "father" he has to be there.
If you're married he doesn't have to be there and you can put his name down on his behalf.

If you aren't married, he can't go down as the father unless he's physically with you for the appointment.

Assume you're not married as you say DP and you're in the UK? In which case you can't add an unmarried father's details unless he's present at the appointment. Register a birth: Who can register a birth - GOV.UK

You can, however, give your DC any surname you like - his, yours, whatever you fancy - whether he's there or not.

Maybe postpone today's appointment until you've had a proper think about what to do?

Cross post with 2 others!

He said he didn’t want to be in the birth certificate or for the baby to have his name. We are not married and the appointment is in a couple of hours and he is hiding in the garden house. I guess I will have to go and ask him to move his butt and come to the appointment?

Well I'd be inclined to say fine and go to the appointment, he can fix it later on if he doesn't realise what he's done
You can still claim cms without him on the certificate

You can put whatever surname you want and he can't stop you if he isn't there.
In fact it would be better for him not to go.
You get 100% choice on your baby's name.
He won't be listed as father but as said above that doesn't stop you claiming financial support from him.
If his brain starts working again he can be added as father later on.

You can still give the baby the same surname as your other child if you wish, regardless if he's there or not.

He's also very mistaken if he thinks not being on the birth certificate will mean he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

It's very common for abuse to begin, or significantly ramp up, when a woman is pregnant or has a newborn. Please do speak to Women's Aid or the likes if you need help to safely rid yourself of this man.

He needs to attend the appointment as you are not married if you are going to put his name on the birth certificate.
You can use either surname or a double barrelled surname jf you wish.
I have a friend whose first child has her fathers surname and for the second they double barrelled it. It hasn’t caused any confusion or upset.
Ultimately if he’s not there, it’s your choice entirely.

I have just texted him and he categorically says he doesn’t want to go and not to use his surname. As someone else pointed out I don’t want my children to mot have the same surname (even though it’s not mine as we are not married). Should I go and use his name instead?

So besides not able to be in the birth certificate if he doesn’t attend, I can’t use his surname either is that right?

@serena1988 you CAN use his surname.
You can use any name you want.

Nope, you can register the baby with any last name you want.

You need to figure out what you're doing here (hopefully working towards leaving). I think it's better if he doesn't go down as the father today - he can be added later if desired but you can't get him off again easily if you add him today. Last names can be changed pretty easily. Personally, I'd register the baby with your surname and with father blank today, start working on a plan to GTFO, and change the older DC's name to yours later.

Use your surname! It's not at all weird and if you want to explain it to anyone or the children say it was fair that each of you got to use your surnames and it was always the plan. Make it a feminist stance rather than just give a child a name of the man who didn't even want them to have it.

If he disappears off the face of the earth tomorrow you can then just change your first DC to have your name too.

At the very least do both surnames and just quietly drop his later if you need to.

Ask him to sign the paperwork for the first child even and have them both use your name.

It's crazy to me that you'd even consider giving them his name in this situation.

Thanks all for your input.
i was able to reschedule it for a future date. If he still thinks the same in two weeks time then I will register the birth without him and use my surname. It feels very rushed today considering he was going to come and be the father yesterday.

I can’t use his surname either is that right?

You can give your baby any surname you want - yours, his, double barrelled, or even an entirely random choice.

It's entirely up to you.

I second this.

OP's partner sounds abusive. I would be making plans to get out as soon as possible. None of you need this. He is an asshole for putting you through this, especially now that you have a new born.

He is a pathetic excuse for a man, a father and partner.

If they are not married, he would need to attend the appointment with her. She can't put him on the birth certificate without him being there.

If she wants this child to have her surname, she should do that. She has just given birth and he sounds completely unsupportive.