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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my dh?

32 replies

naturalblonde · 21/05/2008 20:11

Bit of background, his younger brother (14) lives about 300 miles away with their mother. He's a bit of a handfull, getting into trouble, skiving off school etc, but quite a nice lad. He's recently got into a whole lot of trouble with the police, and my dh wants him to move in with us indefinitely so we can 'straighten him out' as his mother doesn't seem to be able to. (She'll ground him, then let him out when he annoys her, etc)

I've always said when bro finishes school he can move in, as long as he is in full time work or education, but dh wants him now. I see his point, bro is at an age where he could go one way or the other, and we both feel that being here with us is better for him.

But, we have a dd 1.8, and I'm 5 months pregnant, and I don't think I can cope with a newborn, a toddler and a difficult teenager.

I've suggested we have him from now until end of summer holidays, then send him home to his mum, in time for new baby, but dh says no, he won't send him back.

AIBU to say no? (At least for a couple of years) I just think i need to put my children first before i start taking on someone elses.

OP posts:
beansprout · 21/05/2008 20:14

Does he really know what he is trying to take on here, or does he not have a v high opinion of his mum and just assumes he can do better?

I think this is a really big ask and is not reasonable when you have a baby on the way.

Tortington · 21/05/2008 20:16

i think you are right, i think you suggested a reasonable comprimise - maybe even take it further and say school holidays all.

but your dh is beig unreasonable with his all or nothing stance.

WendyWeber · 21/05/2008 20:16

If he came to you now he wouldn't be able to go to school for 2 months, would he? Is there a school where you are which could take him right now or would that have to be arranged for September? At 14 he'll be starting GCSE work in Sept so that has to be arranged now.

I can see both your points, but it does sound as if DH's brother needs sorting out now, not in 2 years - that could be too late

How does he get on with you? How good is he with your DD?

WendyWeber · 21/05/2008 20:17

(Is he mixing with a dodgy crowd which DH wants to get him away from as much as from hismum?)

3725Hayley · 21/05/2008 20:17

I think that's alot to take on.

Does your DH's mum know thats what he wants to do. If so seems a bit unfair that she doesn't try harder to sort the teen out.

Uriel · 21/05/2008 20:18

I would want to know how your dh anticipates being able to cope with his brother and how much he will expect you to do ie -

if there needs to be a daytime meeting at school, will dh attend or expect you to, with a toddler, newborn and possibly the teenager too? (Assuming you're at home and he's at work.)

maryz · 21/05/2008 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

windygalestoday · 21/05/2008 20:19

I think there must be underlying reasons for you both to feel the young lad needs your support- i do see your point but i can also see your dh wants to do the 'full thing' only you know wether a compromise would be succesful ...does the lad wanna live with you?

Original poster
naturalblonde · 21/05/2008 20:25

He's ok around me - I guess just a typical 14 year old bit grumpy and monosyllabic. He's good with dd, and an extra pair of hands wouldn't go amiss, but i don't think he's aware of how much extra work it's gonna be. My dh works shifts, and we hardly get any time together now, let alone with an extra child in the house.

I like custardo's idea of school holidays, I wouldn't mind that, knowing that he'll be going home at some point.

Trying to be tactful, his mum has a drink problem, and dh knows what she's like. For example, I said I would make him apologise to shop keeper (he was caught shop lifting), ground him, no tv, PS2, mobile, and poss even some voluntary work.(Maybe too harsh, but he seems to be going off the rails,) But I think dh reckons he'll be grounded for a week and that'll be the end of it.

OP posts:
ChukkyPig · 21/05/2008 20:30

Does the mum know about the plan and is she amenable to it? Is she happy to have her son based 300 miles away? How does the son feel about it? Without everyone's agreement you are not going to get very far anyway.

Although I think in general YANBU it is an awful lot to take on.

maryz · 21/05/2008 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
naturalblonde · 21/05/2008 20:35

DH's mum knows, and isn't keen, but she has sent him to live with relatives before, so could probably be convinced.

There is a good school near us, but don't know if he'd get in mid-term. I guess something else to look at.

I think he'd like to live with us, at least til he discovered that we're not pushovers!!

I think if he spent school hols here, he'd be awayfrom his friends, prob wouldn't have any here, so less likely to get into trouble. But, then he'd prob be less keen. Having said that, he idolises my dh.

Maryz, I think you're right, 4 years is a long time to commit to, and when he''s stayed before, and i've told him to do something, he looks to my dh to see if he really has to, so as a full time 'surrogate mother' i think he'll find it difficult to take.

OP posts:
Original poster
naturalblonde · 21/05/2008 20:38

Yeah, I konw that maryz, it's far too easy to say 'well, i'd do xyz...'

Half term's coming up so maybe we'll see if we can have him for the week.

OP posts:
ElizabethBeresford · 21/05/2008 20:40

It is a lot to take on. The only way I'd touch this with a barge pole would be if he came knowing that he had to help with the housework, grocery shopping or whatever.

It could be the making of him, but it could be the cat amongst your precious little pigeons. I totally understand your reluctance but I feel for your husband's dilemma too. (That is no help).

Elasticwoman · 21/05/2008 20:42

Where is this child's father? Is he an even worse bet than the mother?

If you do take him on, you will be doing a heroic thing which you may live to be proud of and may reap dividends. But before doing so, I suggest you and dh have a long hard look at all the considerations:

  • his schooling
  • what expectations of behaviour you are going to have, and how far you are prepared to enforce them
  • what help may be available to you.

I had an uncle who went off the rails as a teenager, but lived to be a war hero, broadcaster and published author who was quite famous in his local area.

tigermoth · 21/05/2008 20:45

Really difficult one. Of course you are not being unreasonable to back away from committing to have this boy permanently.

But is a compromise really workable?... so this14 year old lives with you from now until september, makes friends, gets on with your husband, really settles in, then has to leave it all behind when he goes back to his mum and starts school? That could totally throw him, even if he has good intentions.

I think (sorry!) that he needs to have one stable base, whether it is at yours or his mothers.

Could you offer the boy a two weeks holiday at yours (don't promise any more to him) see how things go then you and your dh make a final decision about him staying two years? By then, your dh will be seeing more of the reality of this boy living with you for better and worse and so will you (you may be pleasantly surprised).

If you then decide to give him a home, I think you should think in terms of years, not months. If you decide it is too much, then only have him for some weeks during the school hols, while encouraging him from afar to go on the straight and narrow (perhaps you dh could commit to going back to his home and visting him there more often).

kitbit · 21/05/2008 20:45

It's very easy to think it's a good idea when someone else will be doing most of the work! How much parenting will dh actually be doing when/if he stays? Perhaps you need to get that agreed so that you can agree a time period as the first answer may affect the second!

ChukkyPig · 21/05/2008 20:56

Sounds like a trial run may be in order.

But that's not the question is it - as you are up for that but DH is insisting brother comes to live permanently.

I don't think you can agree to having him permanently without a trial first and I definitely think your DH is being unreasonable to put his foot down on that point.

Sorry though I have no idea how to talk him round, as your position is obviously the right one in the first place!

Original poster
naturalblonde · 21/05/2008 20:59

Thanks, you've all raised somereally good points that i will put to dh after work.

Elasstic, the boys father is not in the picture at all.

I think dh should visit more, but he can't stand his mum's boyfriend, and the whole drinking thing, (the boyfriend drinks too)he just doesn't wanna be there.

OP posts:
ElizabethBeresford · 22/05/2008 15:55

The poor 14 yr old. No wonder your husband wants to be a kind of father figure as well as a brother to him.

Good luck to you! I hope that if enjoys being in an affectionate family with some boundaries and if he knows that you all have faith in him, he will feel galvanised into achieving more out of life than copying his step 'dad' and drinking too much..

duchesse · 22/05/2008 16:03

I can see your point...it might be a lot more work.

However, your DH is the big brother, rather than the father. Imo this might make a huge difference to how this boy behaves with him (and by extension, you). It is such a very different relationship from father/son. It could be that coming to live with his brother would make all the difference in his life (as long as he tries his best and does not just view your husband as a soft touch who will let him get away with more)

Maybe he will be so well behaved over the summer that you don't want to send him back either? Just don't let your DH let him believe that it's for ever, and then appear to change his mind- that would be not at all fair on this poor child. Your DH MUST understand this before he comes, and not make any promises to the boy. Let him believe it is only for the summer, and see how it goes.

duchesse · 22/05/2008 16:08

btw- I can understand why your husband has gone for the all or nothing 4 year approach. he understands what their mum is like and knows that his brother needs stability. He is essentially trying to make sure that his brother does not go through what he doubtless went through too. His stance is probably due to a deep desire to revisit and redo his own adolescence better, and at least give this little lad a chance.

I fear though that he may not have the emotional capacity to cope with a difficult teenager if his emotional needs in teenage were unmet. Your children he will cope with by the time they are that age because he will have been through the whole process with them.

mumoftwo37 · 22/05/2008 16:11

When I read your Op I thought your Dh was BU. But now I feel really sorry for your nephew. Teenagers are hard work but you get back what you put in with them (IYKWIM). I can't imagine what it is like to have a mother ( and her partner) with a drink problem. My guess is he gets no attention and has got into a bad crowd. My DS is 13 and incredibly well balanced - but that has taken a lot of work from both sides as well as mutual respect.

I know you have a lot on your plate at the moment but by allowing this boy to move in with you you could actually save him from himself and turn him into a well balanced young man who could actually make something of his life rather than ending up in a young offenders institute.

Original poster
naturalblonde · 22/05/2008 16:45

I'm actually coming round to the idea - I was never really against it, it's just the timing. DH has spoken to his mother, and hung up in disgust as she was in the pub with his brother. He's in court tomorrow.

That's kinda convinced me we need to step in and do something. DH is trying to convince his mum to move closer to us.

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 22/05/2008 16:58

your dh sounds a very decent guy, however, there is also the question of of wheather your bil would WANT to come and live with you? you would not be in a position to force him to come to you legally if he dosen't want to.

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