Bereavement

[wispysunsetsunday]

Is anyone awake and not able to sleep?

I was on annual leave last week for half term when I found out a very close friend of mine had died. I've been an emotional wreck. I came back to work today after leave and cried all day. I can't sleep at all. I seem to be flitting between feelings of emptiness and disassociation and then complete meltdown and tears.

Her family have asked me to write her funeral eulogy which I want to do but I'm terrified.

Work have asked me if I want to take time off and I said no today but I'm still awake at nearly 1am with 8.30am meetings tomorrow. My brain just won't shut down.

Not sure what this post is really after - advice or just to talk.

God, I loved her so much.

Contact Cruse for help and support

@wispysunsetsunday
So sad for you.
As your work has offered I'd take the time.
You are clearly in shock, you don't have to think about the eulogy for a while.
But I think its a lovely thing for the family to ask, a real testament to your friendship.
You obviously had a very special friendship, something to treasure.
When the time comes you will find the right words to honour your relationship.

Do you have a favourite memory you would like to share?

So sorry for you. Why not take some time off work. I know it is awful but spending some time processing this might be helpful for you.

❤️ here if you need to talk x

Take the time off.
The hard thing with grief is that it comes in waves. You need time to cry and process how you’re feeling.

Thanks everyone.

She was amazing. Brave, funny, and kind. She was a single mum who raised two brilliant daughters on her own. She worked for an advisory charity, challenging benefit decisions and fighting for people who had no one else. She was tough and singular, but full of warmth and generosity when it mattered.

I feel completely bereft, but I’m scared of making it about me. She had people much closer to her than I was and I don’t want to be a grief thief.

Does anyone have tips for delivering a euology without breaking down?

Breaking down isn't an unexpected thing when delivering a eulogy so don't fret about that bit. Could you have someone on hand to step up if you need it? That's what we did at DH's, there was someone on hand to either step in and read or just hold a hand if needed. Pushing your tongue hard against the roof of your mouth can help stem the tears but don't be ashamed to cry, it speaks of what a great person she was and how much you love your friend.

Sending a big unmumsnetty hug, I've lost two friends this year and it has been very hard. I don't think I would have been able to deliver a eulogy if asked, could you write one and have someone able to step up and give it on your behalf if needed? Perhaps you will be up to it on the day but have a plan B too.

It is awful to lose a dear friend, give yourself space and time to process this loss.

Thanks everyone. It means a lot - even from strangers. There's been a few people in my life that have died - grandparents and others but this is the first bereavement that's fully floored me and with just constant weepiness and raw emotion - and physical side effects I didn't even imagine would be part of it, like I keep throwing up and getting migraines.

@wispysunsetsunday
I think you just wrote the start of your eulogy there.
Your friend sounds like an amazing woman

Thank you. This is really the message I want to get across I suppose. Strong and fierce but endless warmth and kindness.

You will find peace with this. Your friend is safe where she is x

You are in shock - take the time off work and go to bed and sleep. It will help. As to the eulogy - as pp said, you have already written the first bit. Add a couple of good memories in too. Also, write it down and ask someone else to back you up - this way if you falter they can take over for you. Good luck xxx

Sounds like you’ve just written your eulogy right there!

Everyone is different but when I gave a tribute at my mum’s service, I kept thinking about what my mum would have wanted - she would have wanted me to be strong, include something a bit lighthearted and to keep it together for the rest of the family. So I kept reminding myself it was ‘5 minutes to do mum proud’ and that really helped me. I then went home and howled.

If work is offering time off, defo take it. Be really gentle with yourself. For me, keeping my body busy helped soothe my mind, so nice walks etc. There is no right way to do this. I’m sorry for your loss.

The funeral is tomorrow and eulogy written after a million drafts. I've been practicing out loud this evening. I feel like I can do it, I know it back to front but still scared of breaking down. Ive got some propranolol I'll take to mitigate the flight or flight. If anyone's gone through it, would be grateful for words of wisdom and advice.

Good luck tomorrow for the funeral OP. Sorry I have no experience with an eulogy but I’m sure you will do your friend so, so proud.
I am very sorry for your loss and hope time helps you process your loss.

Hi everyone, I wanted to update from my last post. I was dreading the funeral. It actually went really well, and I’m dead proud of myself for standing up and speaking. So many people told me the speech was beautiful, and that meant a lot.

But I keep getting upset because my mum said nothing all. She knew how nervous I was and I had a valium to calm me down. Even when my friends daughters came up to me and said to my mum, you must be so proud of Wispysunset, she said nothing. No recognition at all. I keep thinking about how much my friend would have been proud.

I feel silly to want validation from my parents as an adult. Maybe my mum can’t say it out loud and she shows it in little ways, or maybe she’s gone home and told my dad that I was brilliant, I don't know— but I wanted to hear it from her.

What’s harder is that none of my family have really reached out to check how I’m doing. Meanwhile, my sister’s friend’s partner died a few years ago. She barely knew him — must have met him twice — but every anniversary she posts these emotional tributes on Facebook, and all their friends flood the comments with sympathy. It just feels so performative.

I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking it, but it’s really made me feel quite alone in all this. Has anyone else felt like this after a funeral or loss? How do you cope when your family isn’t the support you hoped for?

Bump

Didn't want to read and run
I'm so sorry For your loss.
I haven't experienced the loss of a close friend like that but I have experienced my mum letting me down at a very difficult time...it really stings.

Hi I remember your original post and I’m glad the funeral went well.
Post funeral times I’ve found are really, well quite odd. Your world has changed and in a way no one else can quite understand.
As for your mum do you think she was affected by the funeral being someone a similar age to her child (I’m assuming?).

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend OP and that you're not getting the support you want from your family. It rang bells with me, I struggle to get much warmth / acknowledgment from my mum whilst my sister (somehow) just seems to garner support from our family and so many places. I am sometimes envious of that particularly if I'm feeling lonely. I think I probably give of spiky I'm independent vibes because I've been let down by my family so much.

All I can say is families are shit sometimes. If this is a pattern of behaviour from your mum, then know it's her issue not yours and that however much you want to, you can't change her behaviour. If it's more a one-off incident, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she's struggling to articulate herself. Focus on that you did really well on overcoming your nerves and giving a eulogy that brought comfort to your friends daughter and others there too. And that you know your friend would be super proud of you. Be kind to yourself, you'll have been focusing on the funeral and now there's that what now - it'll take time to adjust and come to terms with things.

You can write the eulogy and ask the Minister/ whoever to deliver it. You don’t have to read it yourself.

Sorry, just read the last post.

It sounds like you really did your friend justice, well done. It might help you to talk to a counsellor. Bereavement counselling is quite a common thing to specialise in by counsellors because it’s so well known as a time you might need support. It’s just a lot to process. I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need from your mum.

Im.so sorry for your loss but im.glad your.work.had recognised that bereavement covers more than just family members
Regarding the Eulogy my mum.died a few months ago and her brother my uncle did a beautiful Eulogy remembering her achievements and funny things about their childhood ,myself and my sister sent him ideas of things to use it was emotional but also made everyone smile
Her family must think you are up to.It just ask for their advice and guidance.