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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's behaviour involving money

49 replies

Iammagic · 02/06/2025 20:45

My colleague who is now a friend, lends my husband money without consulting me. I know nothing about it until I post pictures of a holiday with my 5 month old on social media ( a holiday I have had after 2 long years...due to depression/mmc/financial mess etc).
Long story short..I get a message from this friend out of no where today that she'd lent my husband money back in autumn last year thatt she'd like to have bavk now and that she's messaging me because my husband isn't responding to a message that she'd sent to him last week.

I am not just taken by surprise but embarrassed even because I would never want to take money from anyone ans find it disappointing that my husband did and that too from my friend (that he knows only because of me) and hasn't even told me about it. As soon as I knew of it I made him repay I to her like in a matter for 10 minutes in fact!

But AIBuU that I'm even more angrier and upset about this friend! The fact that she never consulted me when she lent it to my husband and now asks me back for it...does it not mean that she lent my husband money in the first place because he is my husband and not because she considered him also a friend of hers? In which case she should have consulted me before lending?
I dont know what she agreed with my husband about repayment but because he didn't respond to one message of hers from last week when we were on holiday about it she messages me instead? I feel like she's broken both mine and my husband's trust! When I confronted her about this she thinks Im being unfair by blaming her about how things unfolded.

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 02/06/2025 20:52

I assume he spun her a yarn about why he didn't want you to know, she accepted whatever it was and lent the money, then of course he doesn't pay it back and stops talking to her. She sees the holiday pics and thinks I'm being taken for a mug so contacts you. Don't blame her it's your DH.

Ace56 · 02/06/2025 20:54

It’s not her fault at all - this is a DH problem. Not sure why you’re blaming her? It’s your husband who didn’t tell you he’d borrowed money from this person, and then didn’t pay her back. I’m sure he told her not to tell you about it, but now she’s pissed off so she’s contacted you! I don’t blame her really.

babystarsandmoon · 02/06/2025 20:55

Your annoyance, anger or upset should be directed solely to your husband.

You’re blaming the wrong person when presumably she helped him out when he was skint!

Sagepage · 02/06/2025 20:57

You’re annoyed she didn’t consult you, and then annoyed when she did. Poor cow can’t win.

The only person in the wrong here is your husband.

anon15830201174585920220384848320204738229 · 02/06/2025 20:59

You being annoyed at her is ridiculous. Be annoyed with your dh for borrowing money last year and not paying her back.

babasaclover · 02/06/2025 20:59

Why on earth are you blaming her

NoPrivateSpy · 02/06/2025 20:59

Yeah, agreed OP. I have been the friend in this situation (the husband had a serious drug habit I wasn’t aware of) and I felt horribly caught in the middle and under pressure to lend the money. I didn’t in the end but he really piled it on. Your husband is the one out of order here.

Tenducks · 02/06/2025 20:59

I’m on her side. Your DH is the one at fault here. How awkward for her to have to ask you. What was he thinking just ignoring her?

It’s all a bit weird though. I can’t imagine a husband randomly asking his wife’s friend for some money.

Bloodylovecheese · 02/06/2025 20:59

Have you asked your DH why he hasn't repaid after all this time? It's a long time.

Spirallingdownwards · 02/06/2025 21:01

What was your husband borrowing the money for?

Why was he borrowing without your knowledge?

Why did he think it was OK to ask your friend/colleague to lend him money?

I suspect seeing money being spent on a holiday when presumably he has been pleading poverty was enough to push her to ask you to get him to respond and to repay her seeing money being spent on luxuries and he was ignoring her request.

Be cross with him not her. She did something nice. She will know better next time to not bother.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/06/2025 21:03

You are being so unreasonable it’s actually bizarre that you think otherwise. Your husband is the problem here, he has put
your friend in an absolutely awful situation and then made even worse by ignoring her rather than paying back what he owes.

Apologise to your friend, deal with your husband!

Original poster
Iammagic · 02/06/2025 21:05

I did ask him about it why he hadnt paid her back all this while and he said its because she said she'lllet him know when she needs it. Also, even in her message to me she said she needed rhe noney bavk mid august and it's 2 June today! ..and for all those of you who think I wasn't angry with my husband you assumed wrong. I hate him from my guts for doing what he did. ....I guess assumptions are dangerous

OP posts:
Morningsleepin · 02/06/2025 21:08

Your dh is the one who is way out of order

Gundogday · 02/06/2025 21:08

What was your husband borrowing the money for?

Why was he borrowing without your knowledge?

Why did he think it was OK to ask your friend/colleague to lend him money?

This.

suki1964 · 02/06/2025 21:09

So you work with someone, class them as a friend , and this friend lends YOUR HUSBAND money?

How did they get do pally that your husband had the cheek and audacity to ask?

This is a husband problem

BeachPebbleWave · 02/06/2025 21:11

Heard this story before. Friend with a gambling ex husband.

Stop defecting blame and get to the bottom of what is going on with your husband quickly for your own sake. My friend isolated herself in similar circumstances, choosing to be angry at friends who were out of pocket and her pool of trusted people became small.

When she saw the light, she struggled to build bridges and sadly some of them will never be rebuilt.

He has damaged your trust and your friendships here. Be smart.

gamerchick · 02/06/2025 21:14

Why did he need the money?

BoundaryGirl3939 · 02/06/2025 21:14

She lent him money in August, hasn't gotten it back yet and now she's on SM that you are all on holiday? No wonder she's annoyed. Your husband shouldn't have ignored her the message, abd he shouldn't have booked a holiday when he was supposed to pay her back first. Holidays are a luxury.

gamerchick · 02/06/2025 21:16

I'd let it blow up me. Nobody will lend him anything again. He's a sponger.

Vaxtable · 02/06/2025 21:16

Yabu

you don’t know what your husband said to her about borrowing from her, and that’s more concerning, along with being having to be chased to repay

why did he take the money and why didn’t he tell you and why didn’t he repay her!

Mrsttcno1 · 02/06/2025 21:18

Still don’t understand why you’re annoyed at your friend, your husband owes her money, is currently on holiday having not paid her back, and he ignored her message. I’d be messaging him & you as well, she’s paying for the holiday you’re currently on so you best apologise and thank her while you’re at it!

HappyToSmile · 02/06/2025 21:18

None of this is her fault!! He asked to borrow money, she lent money. Simple as that.
If someone asked to borrow money from me, I'd not be asking their friends/partners/children if it were ok.
It is 100% on him

TY78910 · 02/06/2025 21:18

I would assume that she thought you knew, or he told her not to tell you. But I can see why she would contact you, since she’s been aired and it could feel CF’y to her seeing you on holiday when she had to lend him money probably thinking you didn’t have much. What is the relation of them two? Why would he borrow from her if she’s your friend and not his? There’s more to this…

yakkity · 02/06/2025 21:18

She hasn’t broken your anyone’s trust. Your anger at her is completely misplaced

PinkyFlamingo · 02/06/2025 21:22

Why did he need money?

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