Future SIL annoyed she didn’t get to help Future DH choose my engagement ring

[Nerlin9812]

Advice please.
lots of backstory here with other things that have concerned me with her behaviour but future SIL isn’t happy my partner didn’t let her help choose my recent engagement ring. He chose it himself and it’s really lovely. We had a very low key engagement in that we discussed it first but did not announce it as those do on social media’s for attention but told friends and family afterwards. She has now accused of doing it all behind the families back. Absolutely not our intention ( we are older ) AIBU or is this seriously nuts?

Ignore her. I assume your dp agrees with you?

Surely its nothing to do with your future sil what ring your intended chose??

Cheeky cow, it's nothing to do with her. How well do yiu know her - this could be a red flag for the future, maybe she'll want consulting on if,** or when you should have kids!

"It's lovely that you are keen but we like doing things our own low key way". Rinse and repeat.

Yes, she's nuts. But more importantly what does your fiance say about it. Does he think it's bonkers or is he ever so slightly inclined to agree. Is he likely to "tow the family line" in the future because if so I should run whilst you can.

It’s a good job really , can you imagine the wedding ? She would think she could plan it all for you . Least this has put down a boundary from the off and she doesn’t like it but tough . Don’t let her have a say on the wedding either .

Is she married, did her brother choose her engagement ring?

I’d be so proud if my fiancé chose a ring totally on his own that I really loved.
Conversely I’d feel my ring was tainted if someone whose behaviour had concerned me & who I possibly didn’t get on with, had influenced the choosing of my ring.
It’s ridiculous of her to accuse you of ‘doing it behind backs’ because duh yes! that’s what low key is all about.
She is seriously nuts and wants to be too involved in your relationship - it’s none of her business and she needs to keep her beak out.

agree, it means more that he chose it, I'd feel disappointed if he couldn't do this one thing for me

a lifetime of her op - as long as dh is strong enough to put her in her place

Fiance had told me she is over protective but I see it as controlling. He laughed off the engagement ring saying she was joking so I left it at that but he is now not happy over the engagement announcement interference as he wants a small wedding and suggested we elope which I didn’t understand but now do if she’s like this. She’s always asking incessant questions about what house we are buying and do we think we want kids as we’re older and probably too old now. We aren’t , we are late thirties / early forties . She has also accused me of taking him off her and isolating him which isn’t true and he agrees with. He’s more concerned with uosetting his parents as she is very spoilt and the golden child although always got money problems which they have all bailed her out of, fiance included in the past. I love him very much, this whole thing is making me feel so so uncomfortable x

His sorry she is married with three children but fiancé thinks she isn’t happy .

Sounds like he’s enmeshed. You need to talk and put proper boundaries in place, including with his parents. Especially as you’ve said she’s the golden child.
I ignored this type of relationship. I do wonder what life would have been like if I’d married someone else

Some brilliant answers here Thankyou I was starting to think I was going nuts 😂

He’s tried to put boundaries in and she goes nuts accusing me of taking him off his family and turning everything back on him. She doesn’t understand that she is the problem. We have some talking to do don’t we!

Reading your updates, I would think very carefully about marrying into this family OP. You would have a lifetime of drama and aggro in front of you!

Elope. Tell them when you get back. She'll go nuclear but it'll enforce boundaries & ensure she can't try & interfere. Just one huffy row to deal with rather than loads whilst organising your wedding.

I would not be marrying a man with such a batshit family and poor boundaries.

Are you going to have to see a lot of her?
If so, he isn't worth it.
No man is.
Once you are married you are stuck.
If he is one of those weak men who can't stand up to his family, your life will be miserable as you play second fiddle to him always and your resentment will poison your marriage.

He comes from a dysfunctional background and he WILL bring that with him into your marriage.

She is seriously unhinged and you will be miserable having to constantly navigate dealing with her.

You have been warned.

Thankyou everyone. Lots to think about

Slight different perspective here; I wonder if this is related to money (you mention she has money issues and he’s bailed her out before). I wonder if as he’s older (40s), and only just engaged, I wonder if she had planned for him to be her back up for money longer term (assumed he would unlikely have his own kids etc), hence the interest in the ring, the house, the wedding. How much money she had started to wonder was hers, is going to end up outside of her control? Just a point of view. I think you do as a pp said “I’m so happy you are so keen, but we are very reserved people and this is the way we want to do it”. And keep saying the same thing. Don’t give an inch anywhere.

The only issue in mine and DH relationship has been his sister. The taking him off her is exactly how she has felt, they went on holiday and had dinners together a lot till he dated me at 29, he was a late bloomer. She hit my DS and behaved badly at our daughters funeral. After that I refused to see or speak to her for a few years. I banned her from our house. It almost split DH and I up. He admitted she was horrible eventually, that’s all he had to do, plus though she initially got upset with me her own Mother has admitted now on a few occasions how awful her own child is. She also says she feels like she walks on eggshells around her and can never be herself.

She has never married or had children, I spent many hours listening to her bemoan this fact from age 30 when we first met, we are the same age. We got on well enough for about 15 years. But when she hit mid forties and realised she really wouldn’t be having her own family she took all her misery and pain out on me the woman who had the life she wanted. She is sadly utterly obnoxious like her Father who was a huge bully and a really awful human being. MIL once she knew how I felt opened up a lot, MIL is a bit eccentric. I now realise it’s anxiety caused by this pair of bullies. DH is like his Mother a gentle soul.

We have all suffered at the hands of this woman. I’m speaking to her again. I stood up to her and FIL when he was alive.

I am also from a dysfunctional family but in a different way, they are rough, have relatives that have been in prison. If anyone had behaved like her to them well a couple of my sisters would have just punched her lights out. I have learnt to keep both our families at arms length. My greatest achievement has been raising a DS who had a very happy and secure childhood and DD was a really lovely girl. Both DH and I live many miles from our home towns and families and that was a deliberate choice on our part.

Sorry I vented my spleen quite so much but I’m way down the line of a horrendous SIL. Stand up to her right now, get it all out in the open. The only way to deal with horrific bullies is to be very strong back.

100%.

This is how things will be in your life (her interfering). His family are v unlikely to change.

Your partner maybe making the right noises now, but there is no guarantee that will
Continue long term - my sister married into a family like his and shortly after the marriage he just let the family do what they wanted.

The equivalent would be her DH’s sibling helping to choose her ring. And I don’t actually think it’s that crazy. Many brides take their sisters along when they are choosing their dress/things for the wedding.

Agree. You need to have some very careful conversations with your future husband.

Elope, make it clear she isn't the main character in your lives.

She is DP's sister. No he does not have to ask his sister to help him choose a ring for OP. No OP and DP do not need her input into any decisions they make about their wedding, their home or any other aspect of their life unless and until they decide they would like input from her.

@Nerlin9812 I think at least a discussion with your fiance is required about boundaries going forward and making sure you both do what you want without any interference from sisterzilla!