To stop going to parents evenings

[ArtfulGoldWriter]

My DD 13 is having a terrible time in secondary - the school have been mind bogglingly awful. We are in the system for an ADHD diagnosis - DD often struggles with timekeeping and forgets things. The school just punish her relentlessly- detention after detention and it’s destroyed her - she’s a good kid in lessons but struggles with getting to lessons on time. The school have done zero to support her and just punish her. I have begged them to stop, complained on multiple occasions but nothing has been done. The school has a culture of behaviour points etc and it doesn’t work for kids that don’t fit the system.
We are on the wait list for another school but it’s oversubscribed, partly with families trying to get their kids out of this school because they are having the same issues.

I feel like no longer attending parents evenings because I feel like my relationship with the school has also broken down because of what they have done to my DD. She was such a happy school loving child in primary and this whole experience has destroyed her love of learning.

Anyone got any advice- I am desperate. But no longer want to sit at parents evening and be told that her timekeeping is bad when we have tried to tell them why.

Is your daughter on the SEND register?

Does she have a pupil passport?

Is she on waiting list with CAHMS, right to choose or private?

Contact SENIDASS and ask for their advice.

Find a list of potential reasonable adjustments online and go through them with your child to find out which ones she may find helpful. It’s not the same as ADHD but autistic girls network have a list and lots of adjustments can be appropriate for both so maybe start with that. Make an appointment with the SENCo, say your child is on the waiting list for assessed and therefore should be treated as an unmedicated student with ADHD and which adjustments can they accomadate. Tell them you want her added to the SEN register. Follow up each meeting with an email to SENCo summarising what was discussed and with actions they’ve agreed to. Ask them to get an Ed Pysch in to assess what she needs to be improved in school. Ask to meet again in 3 weeks to discuss your child’s progress.

Until we get a formal diagnosis, the school won’t do anything. I have registered her with the SENCO but it’s open knowledge that without a diagnosis, they won’t do anything

And if they don’t do this contact the office and ask for a copy of their formal complaints policy. It’s on the website but you wanted them to know you’ve requested it. Then start following the steps on the policy.

This is really unacceptable. You do not need the diagnosis and they have a responsibility. Have you spoken to the Sen lead? Head of pastoral ? I’d be writing to the head!

She’s on the wait list for right to choose. I have suggested some adjustments to the school but they kind of poo- pood them. She was school refusing in the autumn and I had to make a formal complaint to even get anyone to help me then. It’s been so terrible.

I’m going through school refusal with a child too. The school or Senco sounds crap. Just keep pushing. If you make a pain of yourself they will start to do something.

I’d think parents evening is an opportunity for you to advocate to each teacher individually for your daughter.

She doesn’t need a diagnosis to be entitled to additional support. It’s wrong to deny her support if she needs it.

What happens between lessons that stops her getting there on time? It shouldn’t be hard to put something in place to help her get to the right place at the right time.

Why is she late for lessons? In most secondary schools they literally go from one lesson to another. There is nothing else to do in between lessons.

She gets overwhelmed in the corridors. I have asked for her to leave lessons 2 mins early to avoid the people but they wouldn’t do it.

It’s a massive school and she gets overwhelmed in the corridors so goes outside and it makes her late

Ask if she can leave five minutes before the bell so she can walk to the next lesson in a quiet corridor.

Yes I have already - I asked for 2 mins early and they refused

Well it's law they have to.

For now I might just reframe with her how she feels about detention! Maybe it’s not so bad?

What time are the detentions and what happens during them? If detention is after school does it impact her after school activities or transport home?

My DD’s school loves handing out detentions - the kids are allowed to do homework and then they just catch the next bus/train home. The advantage is that when you leave school it’s very peaceful as not many people around.

Perhaps for now you could help her just see detention as a homework club, give her an extra snack for afterwards, and simply accept the fact she will be in detention every day and let her take whatever time she needs to get to class without worrying.

These are reasonable adjustments. I would look into some legal advice if i am honest on what you are entitled to without a formal diagnosis- if the school are not accomodating her, make an official complaint, get others involved if you have to.

Also have everything written up in an email trail too. Schools only tend to do things when you write down specifically- my child has a right to X reasonable accommodation because of X reason and im sure that you can do some of these without a diagnosis.

please dont give up trying to help you dd- Go to the parents evening- pull out your emails and shove it in their faces - why is she being punished for being late when she is entitled to this accommodation? So then you need to question why did they punish her and they will think about it next time the same situation arises- they should be punished for not sticking to what supports her. Continue to question them every step of the way. You have to be that mum!

I know - it’s so exhausting and frustrating. I cried on the phone the other day before half term out of sheer frustration

I haven’t read the thread so far but I think it’s important that you continue to turn up and advocate for your daughter. She can’t just opt out of school so I don’t think that you should opt out of parents evening. I know it’s hard and probably feels like you’re banging your head against a brick wall but you could really try and make the most of the parents evening. Your DDs time at school could be improved if you could get through to even just one or two teachers.

You have my sympathies Op. I could have written your post tbh however my daughter actually does have a diagnosis of ADHD, odd and autism it has made absolutely no difference at all. She's now going into 4th year (we're in Scotland) and it's likely she will leave at 16 with no qualifications as the school have let her down so much.

They have been so unsupportive in practically everything that both me and my DD have lost complete faith in them but unfortunately she won't leave as her very limited friend group is there. It's a daily struggle to get her to attend. They call me constantly with complaints about her never anything positive. I contaxt them and wait weeks for any communication back. It's soul destroying..

Check these groups out. My daughter has AUDHD and refused school for 16 mths due to bullying. https://notfineinschool.co.uk/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR4K9PnST_aImoXwUTMBgg-ZmAjgyo_8zG37K7xj1mRErm12uyxu9OnIEBDTig_aem_TCL0NvDJUPG_DhxZqxf6fA
notfineinschool.co.uk/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR4K9PnST_aImoXwUTMBgg-ZmAjgyo_8zG37K7xj1mRErm12uyxu9OnIEBDTig_aem_TCL0NvDJUPG_DhxZqxf6fA

notfineinschool.co.uk/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR4K9PnST_aImoXwUTMBgg-ZmAjgyo_8zG37K7xj1mRErm12uyxu9OnIEBDTig_aem_TCL0NvDJUPG_DhxZqxf6fA

Contact your Local Authority (LA) Education Department. The stuff about your daughter needing a formal diagnosis to get support is simply a LIE. It isn't up to an individual school on what basis they support students with additional needs. They HAVE to provide support, unless the LA agree they can't manage the child's needs and move the child. With moving between lessons, her leaving 5 mins maybe would be disruptive as she would potentially be packing up while the teacher was just finishing the lesson which could distract the class, but if this solution is not workable, the school need to come up with a better one.

I would go to parents' evening. I get that it is difficult, but honestly if you don't, I think the school will take it as a sign you aren't bothered and probably use it against you. (Not that I think all parents that can't attend parents' evenings are lazy and don't care about their kids, but if the school is looking for a way to frame you as a "problem parent"...) I would have some questions that you very firmly ask, and insist on answers to.

My son is not diagnosed, jot even on the waiting list yet and is on the SEND register and has reasonable support put in place. He is 6.
I work in secondary, it is a mainstream school known for reasonably good SEND provision. They can choose to let her leave 2 minutes early, then can add her to the SEND register, and they can choose to put other reasonable adjustments in place. I think you need the right language, you need to be firm, you need to do it all in writing, and everything else that the above PP has stated.
The school are crap, please go to parents evenings and take control of the appointment on how each individual teacher can help you duaghter. State what helps her at home (worksheets cut up into each question is an easy on that helps lots of adhd kids), where she sits in the room, fidget toy or fidget ring allowed (becoming so common in my school). Push, and don't stop although it is really hard.

I get that parents evening might be something you don’t look forward to but I don’t think that stopping any engagement will help your daughter.