To stop going to parents evenings

[ArtfulGoldWriter]

My DD 13 is having a terrible time in secondary - the school have been mind bogglingly awful. We are in the system for an ADHD diagnosis - DD often struggles with timekeeping and forgets things. The school just punish her relentlessly- detention after detention and it’s destroyed her - she’s a good kid in lessons but struggles with getting to lessons on time. The school have done zero to support her and just punish her. I have begged them to stop, complained on multiple occasions but nothing has been done. The school has a culture of behaviour points etc and it doesn’t work for kids that don’t fit the system.
We are on the wait list for another school but it’s oversubscribed, partly with families trying to get their kids out of this school because they are having the same issues.

I feel like no longer attending parents evenings because I feel like my relationship with the school has also broken down because of what they have done to my DD. She was such a happy school loving child in primary and this whole experience has destroyed her love of learning.

Anyone got any advice- I am desperate. But no longer want to sit at parents evening and be told that her timekeeping is bad when we have tried to tell them why.

It all sounds very difficult. I can see good advice has been given.
I suggest you do go to parents' evening to:
a) show that you are interested and are still engaging with the school and
b) to satisfy yourself that your comment that "she’s a good kid in lessons" is actually still accurate.

I don’t have any useful advice as I was a single parent working FT and unfortunately just didn’t have enough time to be in the school’s back, but I also found the high school’s lack of support of my DD absolutely appalling. Children were dealt with essentially with isolation after isolation after isolation.

And I would go even further and say they were even more inflexible if it was a teenage girl as opposed to a teenage boy.

I would keep showing up so that they know you’re still on the case though. They can’t claim lack of involvement on your part.

I've been there too. Just try and remember that the 'school' as you describe it doesn't really exist and what you see as the school is actually your experience of just a few members of staff. Go to parents evening and talk to teachers. There will almost certainly be some good ones who understand your daughter and who can help make a difference for her. Ask her what teachers she gets on with and even if you just see them you can make a difference.

Do go, OP. It's a really good time to also speak to individual teachers about adjustments. Lots of teachers will make what adjustments they can in their own classrooms even if they can't do anything about the broader school culture. I'm a teacher who would and does do that myself.

Even if the whole school culture is not good, it's worth seeing what you can do on a smaller level while you are stuck with that school.

You need to speak to all the teachers individually and ask them what they are doing to help your daughter. It's the law that all children in UK are entitled to education, they are NOT doing this, you need to keep challenging them, sounds like a terrible school.

Leaving a couple of minutes early is a perfectly reasonable adjustment in my view and is something I would certainly have accommodated.

All that is necessary to make adjustment of any kind, is evidence of need and you have that. I think that you should ensure that every communication is followed up with an email and I think you should go to parents evening, so you can show individual members of staff what is needed to enable your daughter to manage school.

Have you considered applying for an EHCNA?

It sounds exhausting, but you have to keep advocating rather than give up.

The school have a legal obligation to make reasonable adaptations to her needs, and it doesn't require a diagnosis. Meet again with the SENDCO, put your requests and reasons in writing, ask for the refusal to be out in writing, be clear you will raise to both governors and Ofsted if the school won't work with you.

I would grit your teeth and go because she needs you to advocate for her. However if it's one of those schools that wants the child to come to parents evening as well I would let her stay at home.

You have my sympathies. I have 2 DC in mainstream secondary: one has AuDHD, the other has ADHD. The school is phenomenal. The lead SENCo is a force to be reckoned with. My ADHD one had an EHCP before he started in Yr7, the AuDHD one has only just been diagnosed (Yr9). Crucially, before diagnosis, he was afforded as much support as he needed with regular SEND input and meetings. He also gets very overwhelmed with corridors and was constantly late for lessons. This led to frequent sanctions and detentions. The SENCo got wind of this, we had a meeting and mitigations were put in place for him.

Your DDs school is failing her: the lack of a formal diagnosis should not prevent her from being supported by the SEND team.

Would it be an option to move schools to one with a better SEND department / emphasis on pastoral care? We did this for one of ours when it became blindingly obvious that the school he was in was utterly brutal in terms of ND support. Best thing we ever did.

As I said, you really gave my sympathy. Advocating for your ND child can be soul destroying.

I’d recommend this site for support. She’s really good. I like her podcasts in particular. Best of luck

soli-lazarus.com/

Ok so school won't let her leave early. What else is she forgetting thats making her have detentions?

My adhd kids we have made:
A packing list for each day so every night we go through list for the next day and I double check everything is packed in the bag.
Each subject has colour coded folder and everything fo that subject is in it. Plus each folder has a pen, pencil and ruler just incase.
Mine record hw with voice notes on their phone or take a picture of what teachers written on the board. Then we fill homework diary in together when they get home
All homework goes in a massive white board sheet on the kitchen with clear due date.
I gave form tutor an emergency pencil case of pens, pencils, rubbers so dc can find them and get them if needed.
We have pe packing list and everything lives in a special pe bag inc trainers, it geets washed and goes straight back jn and attaches to main bag

Definitely go. As long as your DD is there you need to keep engaging with the school and not give them any excuse to not support her. As soon as you don't turn up to parents evening you're giving them ammo.

Some of the subject teachers might have absolutely no idea of your DDs needs, you can never assume that school has been efficient or shared info.

Go calmly and on your own without DD. Listen to each teacher and halfway through appointment time ask if you can respond, and just state quietly and factually what's happening. E.g. She is so overwhelmed she has to go outside for a few minutes to compose herself. She becomes very distressed by school and has been a refuser in the past. Etc.

It's actually a great opportunity to get F2F and get your point across. You may find an ally in one or more teachers who could help you resolve this. The individual teachers are people, they're not 'the school'

Why don't you take someone else to parents' evening with you?

Go to parents evening. Talk to the teachers about her issues. It helps when you chat through stuff with them individually. Individual teachers can make a big difference.

I'd consider taking her to the GP and getting her signed off for mental health if school is that bad.

I'm not familiar with SENCO these days but if the law says that they have to have support without a diagnosis then what's to stop all parents claiming special treatment? Surely it's a diagnosis which triggers the support.

Why can she not get to lessons on time? If she’s walking with the rest of her class she should arrive on time. Just read your other post. Have they said why she can’t leave lessons a minute earlier? The only reason for this being refused in my school is if the student was untrustworthy or a safeguarding concern.

I'm a teacher of 20 plus years. Yet my daughter struggled hugely at school. She ran away, she fled, she fought. She was struggling with mental health for a long time.

Parents evenings were often terrible from year 8 till 11 BUT there were teachers that saw her, that she responded to . Those teachers were a lifeline.

Don't give up. From hoiking herself over the wall to leg it from school to being a model year 12 student. I never judge a parent at parents evening. You just can't. And sometimes you will hear a positive even in the worst year. If you don't- grab that SENCO or head of year.

This child clearly needs one. A SEN plan is there to provide better outcomes for a child . The Equality act is key here