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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dilemma over whether to tell friend about her boyfriends comments

39 replies

JFraser9 · 02/06/2025 17:54

Hi all, I would really welcome some opinions on this situation.

Background - my friend is currently supporting her Mum through an illness (I won’t say what exactly as don’t want to be outing, but it is serious and has been ongoing for over a year now with no signs of improvement).

Her boyfriend has been making increasingly inappropriate comments to me over the course of the past 1-2 months. I’ve spoken to another of our friends about this and said I feel like I have to tell my friend. Other friend says I absolutely should not do this given what she is going through with her Mum’s illness and that I’d be really out of order if I was to do so as what he’s said isn’t ’that serious’.

A selection of his comments:

-Asking me whether I’ve ‘had my arse done’, when I said no he replied that my gym work must be paying off (I doubt it, I struggle to go more than twice a week)

-I had an ice cream in a cone when we were out at a park last weekend and he saw me eating it and said that I look like I’ve had a lot of practice of that

-We talked about what the nightlife was like when I was at Uni and he said he bet I can memorise what my bedroom ceiling looked like

-Said to me privately that if both him and I were single in another life, he thinks we’d definitely get together

I have told him at least twice that his comments are making me uncomfortable and that I don’t think his partner would appreciate them. Naturally, my next step would be telling my friend as if want to know if my own partner was saying these things.

Do you think I should say something or is my friends advice reasonable?

OP posts:
Tarrybankheidi · 02/06/2025 17:56

What is his response when you say you think his comments are unacceptable?

JFraser9 · 02/06/2025 17:57

Tarrybankheidi · 02/06/2025 17:56

What is his response when you say you think his comments are unacceptable?

To laugh and say that he’s only joking..

OP posts:
thinkfast · 02/06/2025 17:58

If I were your friend, I’d want you to tell me in a no drama/ factual way but mentioning that you’ve told him that the comments make you uncomfortable, but he hasn’t stopped. Even if she doesn’t care about the comments, she should care that her boyfriend makes her friend uncomfortable. Plus, she may well care about the comments.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/06/2025 17:59

You sound messy

Your mate is going through hell and you're gossiping about her man and his comments to you to the rest of her mates?

Yabu.

Any friend would've told her man to fuck right off with the comments before you tell everyone and called him a prick. no further discussion needed.

LittleMG · 02/06/2025 18:00

I think I would tell her, she can stop wasting time on him. But you need to be aware that it might end your friendship.

JFraser9 · 02/06/2025 18:00

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/06/2025 17:59

You sound messy

Your mate is going through hell and you're gossiping about her man and his comments to you to the rest of her mates?

Yabu.

Any friend would've told her man to fuck right off with the comments before you tell everyone and called him a prick. no further discussion needed.

I’ve told one (very trusted) friend, for the reason I’ve explained in my OP

OP posts:
Tarrybankheidi · 02/06/2025 18:02

How long have they been together? I think perhaps I would tell her just when you think the time is as right as it can be. And keep your distance from him.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/06/2025 18:02

JFraser9 · 02/06/2025 18:00

I’ve told one (very trusted) friend, for the reason I’ve explained in my OP

tell him to get fucked otherwise you're going to his girlfriend, who is going through it.

JFraser9 · 02/06/2025 18:03

Tarrybankheidi · 02/06/2025 18:02

How long have they been together? I think perhaps I would tell her just when you think the time is as right as it can be. And keep your distance from him.

About two years

OP posts:
TwinklyRoseTurtle · 02/06/2025 18:03

Of course you need to tell her. I don’t know what the poster is on about saying you are messy?!? He is clearly a creep, I’d explain to your friend you would have said something sooner but you didn’t want too given the circumstances however as his comments are becoming increasingly inappropriate you feel she needs to know now. I would do it face to face

Schoolchoicesucks · 02/06/2025 18:05

He's a knob. If I was your friend, I would want to know that my friends thought my boyfriend was a knob.

If they live together and mum is currently seriously ill and you knew that boyfriend was supporting your friend, I might delay telling her (eg for a matter of weeks/months).

But he wouldn't have had the opportunity to make comments like that to me on more than 2 occasions. First comment - raised eyebrows, not appropriate mate. Does it again - what are you playing at I don't appreciate you talking to me like that. Then I would avoid spending any time with him when my friend wasn't there (and even if she was there). And if she asked why you didn't want to hang out with her boyfriend it's an easy "oh, he seems to make a lot of juvenile banter comments that I wouldn't have found amusing 5 years ago let alone now. It's tiresome/offensive/not something I want to be around".

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/06/2025 18:05

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 02/06/2025 18:03

Of course you need to tell her. I don’t know what the poster is on about saying you are messy?!? He is clearly a creep, I’d explain to your friend you would have said something sooner but you didn’t want too given the circumstances however as his comments are becoming increasingly inappropriate you feel she needs to know now. I would do it face to face

it read to me as though the op had gone to multiple friends, although she explained after it was just one trusted friend. Still he needs to get fucked.

Elektra1 · 02/06/2025 18:07

He sounds like a 14 year old boy, and not a particularly mature one at that. I’d leave it till next time he makes a comment and then give it a pithy response and tell him to fuck off with his sleazy behaviour. Then tell your friend if you want to. Through she may end up not being your friend as a result. But still deserves to know.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 02/06/2025 18:08

Doesn't she go anywhere without him? When I don't like friend's partners I avoid them. I invite the friend out by themselves.

NewPeaches · 02/06/2025 18:09

I wouldn't drag your friend into it to be honest.

I'm sure you're perfectly capable of telling this utter creep to fuck right off and make sure he knows you mean it.

When you've done that he'll probably drag her into it by telling her you've been horrible to him.

Then you can tell her why.

Amelie2025 · 02/06/2025 18:10

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 02/06/2025 18:03

Of course you need to tell her. I don’t know what the poster is on about saying you are messy?!? He is clearly a creep, I’d explain to your friend you would have said something sooner but you didn’t want too given the circumstances however as his comments are becoming increasingly inappropriate you feel she needs to know now. I would do it face to face

This.

Icedcaramelfrappe · 02/06/2025 18:11

If you dont tell her your other mate will

Tarrybankheidi · 02/06/2025 18:12

NewPeaches · 02/06/2025 18:09

I wouldn't drag your friend into it to be honest.

I'm sure you're perfectly capable of telling this utter creep to fuck right off and make sure he knows you mean it.

When you've done that he'll probably drag her into it by telling her you've been horrible to him.

Then you can tell her why.

Everyone is different of course but I would 100% want to know if my boyfriend was hitting on my friend and presumably hoping to sleep with her, whilst I was too busy being distracted caring for my ill mother.

GreyTS · 02/06/2025 18:12

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/06/2025 18:02

tell him to get fucked otherwise you're going to his girlfriend, who is going through it.

This! I do t understand why you haven’t told him to fuck off and that if he says one more word to you you are telling his girlfriend what a creep he is. Why are you prolonging the drama of it all

TheBig50 · 02/06/2025 18:12

Why haven't you just blocked him?

You've clearly engaged with him, I suspect you are now backtracking and feeling guilty.

MargotTenenbaumscoat · 02/06/2025 18:17

Next time I would tell him that he has one more chance and you’ll be telling your friend. And do it.

HiRen · 02/06/2025 18:19

I would tell her something like "I know you've got a lot on your plate, and I'd hate to see things get worse for you so I've decided to say something. I think you should know that on a number of occasions Jake has said stuff to me that, if our roles were reversed, you'd be upset to be on the receiving end of - and worried for me. I've grappled with whether to tell you or not, and have concluded that if I were you I'd want to know if my boyfriend were behaving like this behind my back. I wish I didn't have to be the messenger, and honestly I wish he'd have just stopped the first time I asked him to. Obviously it's totally up to you what you do about this, if you do anything at all - but I need a clear conscience so had to tell you. I feel so bad for you that he's done this to you".

Basically, take no responsibility for any of this....because you're not responsible for any of it. He is the one saying this stuff, and "just a joke" is just saying words to end a conversation/put a stop to you telling him what you're seeing. It's none of it anything to do with you, and she will decide how to progress in her relationship.

MaryGreenhill · 02/06/2025 18:22

Don't tell her OP it will be twisted that it's you are after him and jealous and are trying to steal him off her .

Daleksatemyshed · 02/06/2025 19:16

So he's another waste of space boyfriend, your friend's been helping her DM for a year and he feels neglected, he thinks he'll turn your head and you'll be his bit on the side. If this is the loyalty he shows her now he's going to be a lousy DH or DF, I'd tell her Op, he's not joking, he's a creep and your friend deserves much, much better

SunsetCocktails · 02/06/2025 19:25

Well, whether you tell her or not, from now on avoid being alone with him so he doesn’t have the opportunity to be such a creep.