To ask granddaughter if she started wearing a bra

[IceCreamplz]

My MIL has asked prying questions and made inappropriate comments numerous times in the past. This time, she asked her 13yo granddaughter/my niece if she had started wearing a bra, and then shared that information with other family members (me, my DH, and my DD). I was gobsmacked when I heard about it but MIL thinks it's her right to ask anything because she is a part of the family. I think she totally crossed a boundary - especially asking such a personal question to someone at a sensitive age. Am I too sensitive and overreacting? For your reference, MIL wasn't going to buy a bra for her DGD. AIBU?

What a bizarre scenario? I mean, a) why does she need to know b) why does she need to share the info and c) if a bra is necessary, it's pretty easy to figure out if the teenager is or is not wearing a bra and d) if, for some completely unknown but theoretically reasonable reason she wants to know, why would she not have a quiet word with the child's parents?

I'm assumign this is just the tip of a very large, very deep iceberg?

The 13 years old is OP’s niece. OP’s MIL is the child’s grandmother. What’s hard to understand?

I think I would have said “I don’t think we need to know nieces personal information, thank you very much”

Fancy telling the girl’s uncle. How fucking yuk.

But at least you know now what behaviour to prepare for.

Prepare your own Dd. Let her know she never ever has to answer questions from anyone that make her uncomfortable or ask for info she doesn’t want to share.

Practices some responses:
That’s personal!
I’m not sure I want to share that
I don’t feel comfortable answering that
Not really something anyone else needs to know
That is my most closely guarded secret and I would have to kill you if I told you
Haja no one needs to know about my bodily functions

etc

And in future let MIL know that you are not prepared to be a recipient of her intrusive gossip.

Mine came into the bathroom when I was in the bath at around age 11. She asked me this whilst I was trying to cover up. Totally inappropriate and I can still feel the embarrassment now!
Absolutely not okay!

I find this thread very odd, agree MIL shouldn’t tell anyone else as it’s not their business but my granddaughter quite proudly showed me her’s, it seemed quite a normal open thing to do.
Maybe we are the odd ones!!

The MIL has outed herself

Depends entirely on their relationship and if they are close or not. And whether they normally talk about that sort of stuff or not. If my mum asked my daughter that I wouldn't see a problem.

I can't imagine anyone needing to ask a pubescent girl if she was wearing a bra or not.

Why does it matter? I don't wear a bra, lots of women don't. Not many people 'need' to wear one. Though with larger breasts obviously many people appreciate the support one offers. But you can get tops with support built in.

I just don't really see why you'd ask a kid that. It could come off as embarrassing to them. Or they might feel like they were supposed to wear one, or not wear one yet and they were doing the wrong thing?

Definitely tell her not to be so personal and nosy.

She wouldn't like it if someone asked her what underwear she had on or like wearing?

What on earth do you think will happen?

Some threads really highlight how lucky I've been. My grandmother would have never embarrassed me like this. It's totally inappropriate, it would break my heart to have a grandmother like this.

There have been some weird comments like this across the site lately. On a thread I started recently I was asked how my mother could possibly still be alive when I have a cousin with a grandchild 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I don't think its fair to embarrass the kid, but I find some of these reactions a bit strange. Its not disgusting, or weird or eeeww. 13 year old girls grow breasts and wear bras. Why is it so shocking? It's not like they were dissecting her body shape and having a laugh, I presume it was just more 'she is developing now and wearing a bra' end of chat. Making it hush and secretive only makes it feel more embarrassing for the younger person.

Why? It’s anonymous

Or did you just fancy putting the boot in?

I don’t think asking if she’s started wearing a bra is that weird, actually. It’s similar to asking if she’d started her period and I don’t think that’s strange at all for a grandmother to chat to her granddaughter about.
What is fucking weird though is your MIL broadcasting it to other family members including men.

Thank you all. Really appreciate it. It's interesting to see lots of different point of view. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I will tell my DD she doesn't need to answer those types of questions if she doesn't want to.
My MIL already told DD10, "Oh you are going to get your period very soon!" in front of other family members including men and I think that was so inconsiderate as well...

Scroll along

If they are close then I don't see the harm in her asking. I'd rather my daughter and nieces speak openly about their bodies than grow up thinking they have something to be ashamed of. Bit weird to broadcast it to the rest of the family but surely you can all tell anyway unless she only wears thick jumpers. Why does it have to be a secret? Was your niece upset about it?

This reminded me of an aunt who, when I was just 15 used to ask me in front of other family members, how my sex life was. Horrendous. The second time she said it I was ready “clearly better than yours else you wouldn’t be so nosy” she didn’t ask again. I was 15 for gods sake. Some people are fucking insane OP. Help your niece feel confident to push back.

Sounds pretty weird but that said my dd called her grandmother to tell her she had bought bras when she was 12, then managed to get new ones from a shopping trip with her grandmother on multiple occasions, she has no embarrassment whatsoever

I don't think it's appropriate unless they have that kind of open relationship anyway. But telling others is a no-no.
When I started my periods my Mum told everyone she bumped into and I felt humiliated each time. Her excuse was that it's perfectly natural and a reason to celebrate.
It is, of course, perfectly natural - but when my Dad and Uncle "congratulated" me it made me feel massively awkward around them.

Does she lack a filter in general? I can imagine my mum doing this - words go straight from her mind to her voice; when she tries not to say "a wrong thing" she ends up staying silent. Since buying a daughter's first bra is quite a big deal, it may have popped into her mind that her niece is that age.

With people like this, it's probably easiest to support children to respond in ways they feel comfortable with.

Of course it makes sense. It's her MIL's grandaughter and OP's niece. I assume that the parents are OP's SIL and BIL.

Asking personal questions about body, finances, anything someone is not comfortable sharing, the answer is Nunya!

Nunya is a magic word.

I had a great aunt like that. She asked my mum very loudly in a room full of people if I had started my periods.

She was a headteacher of a small village school. I used to feel sorry for all the children that went to that school. Awful woman.

She sounds awful as if she enjoys making people squirm!! Out of interest, does she do this sort of things with adults too?

Next time she says something inappropriate like this, maybe a swiping dig about care homes might be in order or that the order of incontinence pants she asked for should be on the way!