Have I really messed up by talking to him about this?

[Golumshand]

Early on in my relationship, my partner told me that he was the victim of a very traumatic violent abuse situation in his childhood.

My ex was also violent, but it’s not something I talk about a lot, although of course my partner knows. It was a long time back and I prefer to look forwards and I don’t like to bring previous relationship troubles into a new relationship.

Last night we happened to talk about my ex and I opened up a bit more about what I’d been through with him. My partner seemed fine and engaged. It felt therapeutic to talk about it.

He then called me for a chat this morning and said he couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d been through and it bought back a lot of trauma for him,

I then messed up massively by saying: “obviously I’m so sad you went through that but I’m glad to have someone who understands”.

My lovely partner has never been abrupt with me in the years I’ve known him but hegot quite annoyed by this, and angrily pointed out I shouldn’t be glad he went through it at all. Which of course was not what I meant! I had clearly said that, but I guess I was still insensitive by saying I’m glad to have someone who understands.

Once that had settled a bit and I reiterated what I meant, I said I was on my way to work and didn’t want to talk about it then, but I’d love to chat more to him about it another time as our relationship is fairly serious and it seems an important thing to be open about.

I was quite shocked that he said no. It was too traumatic for him and he couldn’t talk about it. Again he was very abrupt, as if I’d overstepped and triggered his trauma.

I totally understand and respect his boundary of course, but his reaction has made me feel really awful.

I somehow came away from the conversation feeling guilty by association with my ex husband. As if I’m a bad person for marrying someone who had the capacity to do what someone once did to him as a child.

I’m really reeling from his reaction and don’t know what to say to him now. My partner is a huge part of my life and I feel like I’ve traumatised him and been completely insensitive.

It was an insensitive comment and touched a nerve but you are fully aware of this and sorry.

I would just try to move on. Don't expect him to go back into it when he's feeling dysregulated.

I think this does show that although it's intuitive to think it's helpful to be with someone who understands, it's not always the case. It can be harder.

I honestly feel so awful for saying it. I just meant it was nice to have someone who understood the topic.

Interesting point about it not being ideal to have someone who can relate.

I do feel that somewhat because my experience, while traumatic, was nothing compared to what he went through. I was an adult and left very quickly after he showed his true colours. I couldn’t possibly understand the experience of a helpless child.

Ouch!

I think it's a subject you should both probably stay away from now.

You both know about the abuse each of you suffered, if you need to open up again, perhaps it would be better to open up to a friend or therapist, rather than someone for whom you're taking the lid off their can of worms?

This all sounds very one way. You have to be careful about how you discuss your trauma incase it triggers him but him making you feel bad is also your fault? I’d be careful how much you set up the dynamic that you are the one who cares emotionally for him without that in return.

I dont think you did "mess up massively" by saying:
“obviously I’m so sad you went through that but I’m glad to have someone who understands”.

The lack of empathy from people who haven't been through things themselves sometimes astounds me. I think its not an odd or weird thing to say.

He is clearly deeply affected by it.
Let him come back in his own time and if he doesnt want to discuss it that honesty is his business

So sorry you have both experienced violent trauma.
I don't think you were being insensitive when you opened up about your own. Or insensitive when you showed empathy for your partners experiences and gratitude for his understanding of yours.
You were just in the moment and that's how you felt.
You sound kind loving and appreciative of your partner. You also haven't dwelt on your past too much. Maybe consider a friend to talk to instead.

It takes time and expert help to heal from childhood trauma.
It sounds like your partner is still struggling.
Have you thought about counselling either separately or together?
Or these issues may repeat themselves.

I agree with this.

Whether he knows it or not this is a wake up call—he needs to address his childhood trauma before it prevents him from having a normal relationship. He is telling you that there is a “no go” area, for him, and that you are responsible for taking care not to upset him even uf it means not being honest or able to depend on him emotionally. If that is the case it’s something for him to work through not dump on you.

This. A partnership works both ways.

Thank you for this. He’s always been very open with me about it so I had no idea that hearing about my situation would be so triggering. I think perhaps we both discovered that yesterday.

I said I was on my way to work and didn’t want to talk about it then, but I’d love to chat more to him about it another time as our relationship is fairly serious and it seems an important thing to be open about.

I was quite shocked that he said no. It was too traumatic for him and he couldn’t talk about it. Again he was very abrupt, as if I’d overstepped and triggered his trauma.
I totally understand and respect his boundary of course, but his reaction has made me feel really awful.

I don’t think it’s his fault that his reaction made you feel bad. He told you talking about it had been difficult for him and triggering, and you then indicated that you’d like to talk about it with him again - when he’d literally just told you it had been bad for his mental health. I think I might also have been ‘abrupt’ in his position.

I somehow came away from the conversation feeling guilty by association with my ex husband.

Again, I don’t think your partner is in any way to blame for you feeling like that. He simply said he couldn’t handle conversations about it. Which is fair enough.

Ultimately you’ve both been traumatised by your experiences (as a former victim of domestic violence myself, I hugely sympathise; I’m sorry you both went through it). But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy to act as each other’s therapists, and this probably isn’t an issue to bond over. It sounds like you both have really complex feelings about what happened to each of you and neither of you could ever really be objective in your conversations about it.

Obviously you didn’t mean to upset him and I’m sure things will be OK between you now - but it’s good that he’s explained openly that the conversations are difficult.

Sorry but I think he sounds hard of comprehension. It doesn’t read anything like a dig at what he went through and I think he’s being a bit self indulgent and turning it into a trauma contest. All you said was that you were glad you found someone who understood you. And you have. He understands you because he had similar experiences. Seems obvious what you meant. Nowhere did you say you were glad that he went through it and he’s really stretching that one a bit. Perhaps this is a wake up call and he does need to address his own trauma if he’s being triggered by completely innocent conversations like this. Are you supposed to walk on eggshells and be afraid to ever discuss your shared experiences in case he blows it out of proportion like this every time?

He's a dick.

Your response has made me realise where the biggest disconnect was -

Because he called me to say the discussion about my ex has triggered “a lot of thoughts for him” (direct quote), I heard that as him therefore wanting to talk about it.

I now realise that what what he meant at all. He meant it had been a difficult conversation.

I'm sorry for what you have both been through.
Your relationship sounds like its becoming unbalanced. You did not behave in an abusive or thoughtless way towards him, and you are not responsible for how he reacts or feels about what happened to you.
Its concerning that you feel responsible for how he feels. You aren't. I think you should talk to a therapist who understands trauma.

He really isn’t. He’s such a gentle soul. His “abrupt” tone is probably anyone else’s normal tone. But it took me by surprise as it’s so unexpected.

No I don't think you said anything wrong at all, and I think he is in the wrong for wilfully misunderstanding and using it as an excuse to attack you. Don't let him play those kinds of games.

How much has he opened up about his abuse, and has he expected you to listen?

My feeling is that both of you burying your trauma and trying to pretend it didn't happen isn't a good basis for a relationship. It would be one built on sand if both of you are monitoring every interaction, even when something is particularly painful. If you unwittingly did something that reminded him of his trauma, or he did something that your ex used to do what will happen?

You can't force him to deal with things through therapy, but without it he is going to remain damaged by his past. You are going to have to hide who you really are. Can you cope with that?

He didn’t attack me but he set a very firm boundary. I just hadn’t expected it and I came away feeling awful for crossing the line.

Actually your post has also helped my uncover why I’m so surprised.

He’s talked about it a lot and he’s open that it was an awful thing to go through, but he’s always told the story like an anecdote. He never seemed very outwardly disturbed by it, emotionally.

That’s why I think I was so wrong-footed today. I really didn’t realise he was so traumatised and I feel like an insensitive dick for not realising.

No, he's making himself the centre, making your experience about him. Making his feelings more important than yours. It is unbalanced and displays lack of insight and selfishness. Be careful.

I think @DontTouchRoach’s post is a good one. The truth is, you think you’ve dealt with something thoroughly, and then something unexpected can activate it again, and suddenly you’re totally dysregulated and remembering things you didn’t previously.

I experienced SA as a child, felt I’d dealt with it thoroughly years ago in therapy, but only recently the discovery that another family member had been a victim of the same man at the same time was hugely triggering. I kept gagging for days and felt as if there was something going wrong internally, had to call in sick and pull out of a planned weekend away. Plus I’ve found myself remembering things I didn’t previously remember, purely through the other person saying his name and the place. No other details. Just three words.

I think you’re not good for one another on this issue. It’s no one’s fault.

So the boundary is: he can talk about the trauma he has been through, but you can’t talk about yours as it will trigger him?
I do feel for him.
But I actually feel for you more here, as you are walking on eggshells. You don’t have anything to apologise for.
If he said he was upset and just needed a bit of time, fair enough.
Sounds to me more like he is punishing you for discussing what happened to you.
And if you feel I am being harsh I have been treated for complex PTSD and understand it’s my job to police how it affects me. Just because my trauma, on paper, might seem worse than another person’s doesn’t mean I win a gold in the Suffering Olympics.
Everybody’s experiences are relative to them.
Maybe it’s best not to discuss your ex again, but on the understanding he doesn’t discuss his past either.
I feel you have been both fair and kind here.

He just doesn't want to talk about it which is perfectly valid. It's not always best to dwell and ruminatel on stuff

Actually I think experiencing violence as a child is very different to experiencing it as an adult. A child has absolutely no option but to put up with it. I was a victim in that way - I dreamed of being rescued but knew that would only happen if I spoke out. I knew that the police would be called, shame would be brought upon my family, my mum would be told I didn't want to live there... I felt so powerless.

These are difficult conversations and my sympathies are with both of you. It sounds like he overreacted to your innocent remark and that's probably because of the way he is feeling right now. I think you just need to back away from it and give both of you time to breathe and calm down. You're both feeling upset and vulnerable. Give it some time and park the subject for now. Hopefully when he's had some time, he might feel that he can open up about how he feels again.