Have I really messed up by talking to him about this?

[Golumshand]

Early on in my relationship, my partner told me that he was the victim of a very traumatic violent abuse situation in his childhood.

My ex was also violent, but it’s not something I talk about a lot, although of course my partner knows. It was a long time back and I prefer to look forwards and I don’t like to bring previous relationship troubles into a new relationship.

Last night we happened to talk about my ex and I opened up a bit more about what I’d been through with him. My partner seemed fine and engaged. It felt therapeutic to talk about it.

He then called me for a chat this morning and said he couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d been through and it bought back a lot of trauma for him,

I then messed up massively by saying: “obviously I’m so sad you went through that but I’m glad to have someone who understands”.

My lovely partner has never been abrupt with me in the years I’ve known him but hegot quite annoyed by this, and angrily pointed out I shouldn’t be glad he went through it at all. Which of course was not what I meant! I had clearly said that, but I guess I was still insensitive by saying I’m glad to have someone who understands.

Once that had settled a bit and I reiterated what I meant, I said I was on my way to work and didn’t want to talk about it then, but I’d love to chat more to him about it another time as our relationship is fairly serious and it seems an important thing to be open about.

I was quite shocked that he said no. It was too traumatic for him and he couldn’t talk about it. Again he was very abrupt, as if I’d overstepped and triggered his trauma.

I totally understand and respect his boundary of course, but his reaction has made me feel really awful.

I somehow came away from the conversation feeling guilty by association with my ex husband. As if I’m a bad person for marrying someone who had the capacity to do what someone once did to him as a child.

I’m really reeling from his reaction and don’t know what to say to him now. My partner is a huge part of my life and I feel like I’ve traumatised him and been completely insensitive.

OP you didn't say you were glad he went through it, you said you were glad you had someone who understands you. You did nothing wrong, you are not responsible for his trauma and his reaction.

I think this will turn into a recipe for disasterand you walking on egg shells.

I'd end it now. Neither if you are in a place to be each other's therapist or know what to say. Sounds like both need more work.

It will be a lot of tears if you carry on with him, I can just feel it.

Agree with posters saying you did nothing wrong. He can't seriously expect to talk to you about his trauma, but expect you to realise that talking about yours will trigger him. And he made your story all about him and deliberately mis interpreted your comment. It's completely normal to be glad you've found someone going through something similar, who understands what you're going through etc (which is why support groups for bereavement or certain illnesses exist) without being 'glad' that those people also suffered (bereavement /illness etc). It was a really nasty thing to say because if he knows and loves you, he knows that you wouldn't be the type of person to be glad that he, or any other child, suffered abuse. He clearly said it because it was triggering for him, and led to a flood of emotions. So it's understandable, but it doesn't mean it's acceptable, and he should be apologising for saying this, not leaving it so that you feel bad for not censoring what you said, without any advance request to do so

That is a huge red flag, to me, that he does not know how to be in an equitable relationship. He is comfortable trauma dumping on ^you* but god forbid you should express needs or share your experience with him.

As you say he was describing what happened to him almost as a third person, keeping it unemotional. You talking about your trauma in probably a more emotional way has stirred up things he thought he had left in the past. If he wants to talk another time let him, but I would keep clear of the topic unless he raises it. He's dealt with it his way, I know people will say he should deal with it 'properly' but I'm not sure that is the best way for everyone.

Agree with this 100%

Stop apologising OP, you've done nothing wrong