Have you regretted ending your marriage?

[ilikestrawberry]

If you’ve left your husband have you regretted it? I am happily married but often consider leaving, my husband doesn’t like pets and me and the children would love a pet and lots of petty reasons really that make me think how lovely it must be to just be able to do as you please without having to be in agreement with anyone else, I like to say yes to the children more than him, he often says no to things I wouldn’t.
I know none of this sounds like divorce material but I keep imagining how much I’d love a life with nobody to consult with over anything.
I don’t know if I’d regret it or if it’s just fantasy but we’ve been married 15 years and he’s a great man but I just feel held back by him and want to spoil the children and do as I please.
Anyone ever feel this way? Or left and then regretted it? I’m nearly 50 and know I’d be on my own a long time but does that freedom out way the companionship?

I've never regretted it.
I love being independent, but my ex was not an easy man to live with.

I think those are valid reasons for wanting to go it alone and no one should ideally be in a relationship they don't want to be in.

However you need to be really aware of how difficult it is. You will be responsible for everything. Running a house costs far more as an individual earner than it does for paying for half as a couple. Since dh and I split up I have not had a proper holiday. I've had to cut back on everything. The house and bills are just eating my money. You think you'd be free to spoil the children but I'm assuming at 50 that they're not very little any more, and there could well be a lot of resentment from them if they view you as just discarding a perfectly ok marriage. Feeling free and independent is great but it does mean the buck absolutely stops with you and there's no one to lean on in times of bereavement, illness, work stress, anything. It's all on you.

See he is easy to live with but he’s perhaps not as laid back as me and as I’ve got older I’ve become more relaxed and he seems to have become practical and sensible up to me.
We do have very separate lives and spend a lot of time with our own friends, doing our own thing.
I am probably more extravagant and like to spend more on Christmas and days out and give the children memories but he would often say no It’s too much. I think this frustrates me as we both earn it but always argue about how we spend it.

I regret it. Life with him was hard, for the first few years after we separated I felt elated, but now as time has gone on and I have developed a deeper perspective I do have regrets, and it’s hard being on your own even if you co-parent well, it’s very hard.

Never regretted it. I mean, actually maybe that's not entirely true. I am remarried and have a blended family and sometimes I do look back and think I had it so easy and I long for that nuclear life again. But I don't regret ending my marriage to him. He was fine. But that was it. Fine.

feel held back by him and want to spoil the children and do as I please.

So, start doing as you please? Spoil the children, eat the cake? Do the thing. Be yourself... obviously within reason- I'm not saying go overboard but don't be held back from doing some things you want to do. He's meant to be your husband, not your captor.

What will he do?
Moan? who give a flying fiddle? Is he your boss? No.
Be Violent? Not ok - Leave.
Throw a toddler tantrum - eyeroll...

Don’t regret it. At. All. Wish I had done it sooner.

Why do you need to leave him to spoil the children?
I mean, you can end a marriage for whatever reason you wish. There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ reasons. But why can’t you do those things now? If there are disagreements about fundamentals like attitudes to finance, have you considered marriage counselling?
Also running two households is expensive. Will there be any money to spoil the children if you split?

Also consider he may want 50:50 residency with the children, so you’ll have less opportunity to spoil them.

I'm with @toomuchfaff on this one. Just do what you want anyway - I do. Every human is different, so even in a good marriage people will differ on what they spend, how they bring up kids etc. Rather than break up the marriage, I would at least experiment with just doing what you want. Go ahead and spoil the kids etc. The pet one is harder - I don't like pets, and have a phobia of dogs, BUT, with a lot of discussion about type of animal/dog breed, and an absolute assurance that I will not have to do any looking after of an animal, then I could be persuaded.

I don’t get this. Just spend what you like on the kids. Stop consulting him. You earn and have the right to spend.

I think these are petty reasons tbh.

Having a pet is a big deal and both adults need to be behind it as both will be looking after it, on top of looking after your children, jobs and household.

Unfortunately a partnership involves lots of compromises and I can relate to it being dull and a drag oftentimes (I too am married to a curmudgeon!!). But if you are married to a great guy who is good, faithful, hardworking and a great dad then I think you might well regret it, and your children will wonder why you did that.

Also, think about your partner's point of view, you may well be doing things that irritate him too, but you'd be a bit pissed off if he left you for similar reasons.

I'd either try to pick your battles, drop the pet thing and focus on what you do agree on. Or do the things anyway a bit more within your marriage like others have suggested.

You write “I’m happily married”.

Living with ANYONE involves compromise by all parties and when your children grow older and don’t act the way you want will you discard them as well. No of course you won’t.
i susoect you’re having a little “that grass looks lush over there” moment. It isn’t always. If you’re happily married then you are very lucky.

He sounds really sensible tbh, Pets are really expensive and a real tie, if you like going out/away frequently with the kids what are you going to do with the pet while you go? There is no 'being spontaneous' when you have a dog to consider, you can't just go out for the day and leave them home alone for hours on end. Even constantly going out with friends is impacted and the kids would probably quickly get bored of it and it would all be left to you.

What are you wanting to spoil the children with at Christmas? A ton of plastic tat? If so then again I'm with him. I bet they couldn't tell you a single thing they got for Christmas 3 years ago, probably even 2.

I think you'd be mad to leave but we don't know your situation with work/income, if you're a high enough earner to be able to afford to live alone and still spoil the children then surely you could spend a little more without him really noticing? Or do some thing with the kids without him? Or is there some deeper thing here where he is extremely financially controlling and you're not allowed to spend a single penny without his full agreement?

I’m not talking about a dog or cat but the children wanted a rabbit, he said no, a guinea pig, no, a hamster no because he didn’t want the house to smell, a fish was a no, took up too much space.
If we go out and they want an ice cream he’ll say no, I take them out and buy them an ice cream if they want it or have a go on something, why not but he says no they don’t need to have a go on everything or they don’t need an ice cream because they’ve just had lunch and I don’t want to override him.
Maybe you agree with him but I don’t and that’s why I wonder if life would be better without him.
I don’t go over the top but I like to treat the children and take them to attractions in the holidays/half term but he’ll say but they can play in the garden, or have friends round or go to the park or beach for free.

So you’d rather leave him than deal with the issue? Have you tried saying ‘listen, we both earn money but you seem to think you can dictate what it’s spent on. I would like to use some of my own money to buy the children an ice cream, or take them on a day trip’?

I think he sounds hard work and unappealing, if not controlling. But then I’m not in a good marriage and I’m finding it very hard to leave.

I agree I can spend my money how I choose but the issue is when they say can I have… and he says no. Then I’m not in a position to say actually ignore dad yes you can because to over ride the other would be wrong imo and neither of us would do that.

But have you actually sat down and had a discussion with him about it, away from the children?

Yes many times and he says he’s just being realistic or he says they just don’t need all this and that or we can’t afford it but actually we can but he sees buying anything other than essentials as being frivolous and wasting money on things they don’t need. Even why eat out when you can take a picnic but because I want to is why.

No I don’t. I’m remarried and love my husband and he is the love of my life, but don’t miss my ex. I still have to come across him because of the kids but contact is limited and that suits me fine. He is a right twat. Best decision ever made. In over 10 years apart from asking me to go back about 2 years in (my response was to laugh 😆 after everything he put me through and his little monologue about how his life was so much easier married🤣🤣yes of course it was lovely I did everything I mean everything) to my knowledge he hasn’t asked anyone out on a date or anything. He has about a max of 4 friends and never been on a date or got a girlfriend and he’s now 50, so I can’t see it happening. He lost a load in the divorce due to unreasonable behaviour so I can’t see him risking the money either - ever.

Ok, so then that’s a bigger issue in that he won’t make any sort of compromise. Is he like this about other things?

No not really, he’s not a bad guy. I will do all those things when he’s not there so I can’t help but wonder if I’d be happier if he was never there but he’s a good dad, very hands on and a hardworking, I don’t expect to meet anyone now but I don’t know if I’d regret it if he was gone and the novelty of doing as I pleased became lonely.
I think if I was really happy I wouldn’t be imagining life without him so positively.

I still can't work out why you don't just say "oh FFS, stop being a grumpy git, I'm having an ice-cream AND I'm buying the kids one, do you want one or not? It's my money and I'm buying them. Fuck off with your stinginess". My DH has occasionally acted a bit like your DH in the early days of having kids, but he soon learned.

If he's not listening then you need counselling. And if he's still not listening then I would consider leaving. Currently it sounds like he makes all the decisions about money and that isn't on in a marriage. He has created an unequal balance of power.