not wanting to be the one always hosting

[MMMMMBacon]

Hey folks, so married 20+ years , one teen DC , name changed for this post in case the couple I am writing about read this.

My husband has a school and uni classmate hes been mates with for 30+ years now.
When we first got married, we were living close by to PIL and this friend used to stay over at my MILs when coming back to DHs hometown every year (3-4 days) to see DH and spend time with him in their lads group - MIL did not discourage this so I kept out as it wasnt really my business if MIL didnt mind hosting him few days a year - he (the friend will call him SS) , SS, would also use the trip to visit /oversee investments he had in DHs hometown so pretty much business trip without paying for hotels. MIL would I think feed him a few meals as well. SS started bringing his wife along too at one point after he and DH had married by the mid 00's.

Cut 20 years later, we moved around 18 years ago to 6 hours travel away and a whole other country away - SS and his wife are here with us in our house, visiting. First visit to this country - I thought they were coming for four days as part of their Europe tour, turns out they are here for 10 days almost - we have ended up cooking for them, I also made the really bad decision to give them our master bedroom as the guest room was too small to add in a cot for their DD who is 10. I didnt want DS15 to have to give up his room which was DHs proposal as Guest room also doesnt have ensuite.

I just feel sooooo used - and then feel bad for feeling that way too. They wont even wash their own plates as SSs wife talks about being rich enough to have domestic help do almost everything for her at her house. I have tried so hard to stay nice for DHs sake as I know how much he loves this friend , I just feel though he cant see with time, that some friendships are past their expiry date. We bought food when we were too tired to cook it, for them over the past 10 days, they wanted DH to drive them everywhere so he was too tired by the end of the day to help me with washing up , tidying up etc. I literally requested SS and his wife to please wash their own cutlery and not leave it in the sink till the Dishwasher is run which we dont always do unless there are big pots and pans.

Too exhausted even to type this , but I think more than the physical its the mental overthinking whether we are being mugs and DH cant see it. They now plan to come see us when we next visit hometown, PILs place - MIL is no more, so they are expecting us I presume to host them when we are next at FILs as he has extra room but doesnt cook etc. So presumably they now expect me to be my MIL and continue cooking for them when they visit everytime, give up the best room for them etc. Its a free holiday for them but I end up being a host when on holiday ? How do I handle these ppl without upsetting DH ?

I said to SS wife , when she said oh we love you guys so much, hope we can come see you again this year when you come to DH hometown, and I said why dont we visit you guys at yours next time, and she fobbed that off with oh but there is really nothing to do or go see at mine, your in laws hometown is so much more a fun place to meet. AAArgh pls help me.

Ah there I was thinking there was 3 kids, as your op says a 10yr old DD and further down you say an 8 year old

agree @Feetinthegrass , DH was saying (and I am aware) that initial draft original plan seemed to be that we meet first at a town few hours ago that is very touristy and spend three days there, and then presumably they were still going to come stay here to see our town for three days - the other town didnt happen as we could not get days off lined up and the school did a 10 day camp thing for DS that was mandatory and he was so tired from and we knew he would be, that we pulled out of the other town leg ages ago - and we expected they would still do the other town on their own - still doesnt explain staying over while here though part of it - but I gather from him it was presumed rather than a formal invite - the PPs who pointed out the pattern has been on since their teen days that DH and his parents always have the friend over and now he expects it to continue forever are right. DH did not say a thing to contradict me when I firmly (per MN suggestions) repeated next meet up we will come to yours twice or thrice. He showed me the profuse thank you note from his friend to 'us' on his phone a while ago.

sorry blame it on the exhaustion of the past ten days - she might even be 9.

He took the three days off work to show them around - tues-thurs. Monday was a bank holiday anyway. and friday I took half day off them for mall shopping to take stuff back home and also for a buffet lunch while he caught up on work.

ON their last night, they took us out for a nice dinner but even that felt forced and after the fact - we took them out for two nice dinners plus cooked them about 5 dinners (some were warmed up leftovers assembled together) , three hot breakfasts. They bought us a gift from their hometown and DH has mentioned he bought them equal value of stuff to take back, not counting the few trinkets I got their DD at the mall. Also, on saturday they did their only half day trip on their own - and when they came back they bought a gift for my son that DH says is arnd 135 GBP (not sure how often my son will use it) and DH looked at as if he was really touched by that guesture but I would rather they have stayed a night at a hotel with that money , in between to give us at least one night more of a break apart from saturday ......

As I said as a one off, would have kept quiet, it was the discussions beginning around coming to see us again at my mums hometown next time later this year, just please God no.

these three days of DHs off work even he felt obliged in a sense, as we have been trying so hard to get days to go to barcelona before the summer hits ourselves - and to go visit the Grans who are quite elderly and none of this happened yet and now there will be 3 days less left for him to take, without a real holiday to show for it

8pc of ppl voted that I am being unreasonable :-) but didnt leave any comments to give us food for thought

Have finally rowed now as DH wanted to send his friend a gushy youre welcome we had a great time too response (using chatgpt !) to friends gushy thank you note addressed to both of us and sent to DH - and I said pls be honest and tell him this was exhausting not really fair on us and needs to be planned differently next time. I am fairly sure DH is high functioning at job and chores but neuro divergent with inter personal relations at this point - and I am one of those low on EQ as well though good at technical work at my job

You don’t really need to make him do anything but agree to say “no” next time.

OP you deserve a medal.

Just say no next time, apologies, but we aren't accepting house guests for the foreseeable as we are feeling low/exhausted and working on our marriage.
That ought to cover it!

If there is one lesson I have learned in life, it’s that if you insist on behaving like a doormat, that is how people will treat you.

Here’s a useful little tool for you to use for setting some boundaries and stopping people taking advantage of you :

‘No.’

That’s all. Just ‘no’. The first time you use it will feel very uncomfortable for you and may result in some adverse reactions. But I can assure you that each subsequent time you use it becomes easier. And pretty soon you will see the results.

slightly off topic but why would he need to use chatgpt just to send a msg to his friend?

there was another post literally today where someone suggested using it to compose the most basic, easy response to someone.

Why has this become a thing? Yes it can be a useful tool (albeit one that has a huge drain on the environment) but you don't need to do it for everything! Are people so lazy they will literally outsource even their thinking now? Surely it would take more effort to get chat gpt up, ask it 'write a gushy response to my friend' then get it to make a few amendments etc to change tone, make it more specific/less american, than just to write something himself!

Why do you give a shit about your dh feelings? He clearly has offered you up as the Mug. He doesn’t care that you are cleaning, cooking and hosting these people and prefers to keep you a nice run around for them. I can’t understand how you aren’t raging at this horrible treatment of your home and yourself?!

you are placing so much blame on these people, but it is your husband who allowed all of it thinking my Muggy Muggins will just do it.
why did you do anything for them while working a full day? If anything you should have left them to all meals to sort out.

your dh is the one who treated you really badly here op. Also aren’t you angry with yourself to having put so much mental energy into thinking up ways to combat the next visit? I would say never again with these people.

thanks and yes, I am angry with him

DH can reply thanks to the gush and leave it at that.
Just move on now. Dh won't appreciate the stress of planning and providing meals for so many as he probably doesn't do it. Just make sure it's a no from you in the future and you won't change on that.

They didn’t even strip the sheets off your bed . They really are users aren’t they.

Op don’t tip toe around the subject with your DH. Make it very clear how badly HE treated you and this will never happen again. If he invites them down to your FIL then you are going to leave.
And I would just cool the friendship off from your side. Why do you need to be nice to these USERS? Why do you need to please your dh. Not one of them respects you. Don’t let them do this to you again. So what if he knows them 30 years?

The sheets thing would have made me livid. But I also would never have given up my bedroom. I think you really need to ask yourself why you let them push you into that.

Giving up the bed was my idea :( thought it was 3 days , hadnt seen them as a family in 15 years and yeah bad idea - guest room is tiny.

DH has officially said he never wants to visit them and wants to always host meet ups

I looked them up, SSs wife dad is someone like the founder/owner/ CEO of Bellway (as an example) ....so they would have plenty of houses they could host as at ?

His friend's suggestion apparently was that next meet up he would organise us to go stay at his cousin's in Italy .....and what ruin the cousin's marriage too for a week ? something is so off about these ppl and DH as well for not seeing it and indeed enabling it ....this friendship should have died decades ago....

I have said I am meeting them at Italy only if everyone gets their own hotel room and that they pay for their own one.

That’s so weird! Does your husband know something about this bloke and him hosting that he’s keeping from you?
poor cousin in Italy!

Oh I wont be going to Italy with these people....

My mum asked the same thing @alcoholnightmare , if H owed them money or something - he jus says male friendships are less judgy and he is fine hosting if they come to his dad's when we are there in November - and he will do all the cooking for them or get food from outside for that. I would like to see this. But also he said it as if I was the unreasonable ( even crazy )one. Harummph. Not happy at all with how this discussion has ended between us. and with me back in the guest room btw and only him moving back into master bed.

I'm laughing a lot at your husband being too tired to help after the driving them around. Unless he's "driving" a pedal-powered tuk tuk..?
I'd also be firmly stating that "we don't have domestic help here so hop up and throw the hoover round, please, if you incapable of washing up, I'm not sure how MIL's put up with you, gosh!"

I just feel sooooo used - and then feel bad for feeling that way too. They wont even wash their own plates as SSs wife talks about being rich enough to have domestic help do almost everything for her at her house

😂 Surely you'd say "oh well, we don't have that here. We all wash our own plates up. The washing up liquid's over there."
I mean, honestly.

Be really upfront and say if you can afford daily help you can afford a hotel, it's too much to stay with other people when you have the finances.

This post has been revived from June, but not by the OP.

Any updates, @MMMMMBacon ?

Have they suggested coming to stay with you/your mum's or your in laws again?

If where your PIL lives is where CF went to school, doesn't he have family of his own there to sponge off?