not wanting to be the one always hosting

[MMMMMBacon]

Hey folks, so married 20+ years , one teen DC , name changed for this post in case the couple I am writing about read this.

My husband has a school and uni classmate hes been mates with for 30+ years now.
When we first got married, we were living close by to PIL and this friend used to stay over at my MILs when coming back to DHs hometown every year (3-4 days) to see DH and spend time with him in their lads group - MIL did not discourage this so I kept out as it wasnt really my business if MIL didnt mind hosting him few days a year - he (the friend will call him SS) , SS, would also use the trip to visit /oversee investments he had in DHs hometown so pretty much business trip without paying for hotels. MIL would I think feed him a few meals as well. SS started bringing his wife along too at one point after he and DH had married by the mid 00's.

Cut 20 years later, we moved around 18 years ago to 6 hours travel away and a whole other country away - SS and his wife are here with us in our house, visiting. First visit to this country - I thought they were coming for four days as part of their Europe tour, turns out they are here for 10 days almost - we have ended up cooking for them, I also made the really bad decision to give them our master bedroom as the guest room was too small to add in a cot for their DD who is 10. I didnt want DS15 to have to give up his room which was DHs proposal as Guest room also doesnt have ensuite.

I just feel sooooo used - and then feel bad for feeling that way too. They wont even wash their own plates as SSs wife talks about being rich enough to have domestic help do almost everything for her at her house. I have tried so hard to stay nice for DHs sake as I know how much he loves this friend , I just feel though he cant see with time, that some friendships are past their expiry date. We bought food when we were too tired to cook it, for them over the past 10 days, they wanted DH to drive them everywhere so he was too tired by the end of the day to help me with washing up , tidying up etc. I literally requested SS and his wife to please wash their own cutlery and not leave it in the sink till the Dishwasher is run which we dont always do unless there are big pots and pans.

Too exhausted even to type this , but I think more than the physical its the mental overthinking whether we are being mugs and DH cant see it. They now plan to come see us when we next visit hometown, PILs place - MIL is no more, so they are expecting us I presume to host them when we are next at FILs as he has extra room but doesnt cook etc. So presumably they now expect me to be my MIL and continue cooking for them when they visit everytime, give up the best room for them etc. Its a free holiday for them but I end up being a host when on holiday ? How do I handle these ppl without upsetting DH ?

I said to SS wife , when she said oh we love you guys so much, hope we can come see you again this year when you come to DH hometown, and I said why dont we visit you guys at yours next time, and she fobbed that off with oh but there is really nothing to do or go see at mine, your in laws hometown is so much more a fun place to meet. AAArgh pls help me.

I find it weird when wives just can’t speak honestly to their husbands. Why can’t you say ‘Jesus! I’m fucking knackered playing hostess with the mostess! I’ve barely sat down since Lady Muck has arrived. She can afford hired help at home but can’t stay in a bloody hotel! I’m run ragged. Let me tell you now, there is no way I’m doing this at your Dad’s house when they come back over. Sod that, they’re your friends, not mine. Tell them to get a hotel as we have so much on with work.’ Done.

When they speak again about coming to visit, have the big talk about wanting to keep the friendship sustainable for the long term.

Tell your guests that you found the recent visit too exhausting; you were burnt out.
Next time you will have to set limits as to how much you can do yourselves.
You and DH have to be on the same page.
Learn old Chinese proverb - After three days all guests smell.

Three days tops.
Only agree to dates that suit your whole family.
Find B&Bs nearby for the middle or suggest they travel to another interesting area.

They shout eating out or take away every night that they stay.
They hire a car.

You can break the pattern by being very clear that FIL is no longer in a position to host since MIL died and he is more elderly now. Just take that completely off the agenda. This will force them into paying for accommodation in DH’s hometown and thus a precedent will be set. So for their next visit to you, it will be easier to engineer the same thing. Of course, you may find that they are mysteriously less keen to come for long visits, in which case - result!

Openly say to the female ‘Oh you won’t be able to stay with FIL in the house, it’s all too much for him now. And me! Ha ha! Best to rent a lovely B&B and we can meet a up for dinner a couple of times. Probably best to get a hire car too, you need your own freedom’.

They are so taking the piss. Having domestic servants in the firm of you and your dh.
Point all these things out to your dh and tell him you’re not doing this again.

How about asking your DH to say this?

It’s been lovely seeing you, but just to flag for future visits we need to change how we host. We’re happy to meet up and catch up, but won’t be able to do extended stays or cook every meal going forward. Hope you understand - it’s just too much for us these days.

What could they say to something like that? It's not rude, and if they do challenge it (the CF that they clearly are) you could push the fact that you work FT and to double up the cooking/cleaning with an additional family just makes you exhausted and you want to see them when you're at your best.

If I ever stay at someone house, even just over one night, I wash up, tidy my things and offer to help with cooking/making drinks. It's the least you can do when staying somewhere for free.

Good luck x

Actually on closer reflection, I think this is far too tame.

Ask yourself...
What are you prepared to put up with?
Can you still host but need them to muck in?
Or do you want them to stay somewhere else?

Being at the FIL/home town is the perfect opportunity to dodge out of them staying with you ever again, if that's what you want.

My suggestions:

Speak to DH asap! Say you cant face hosting again, but make a suggestion to resolve the situation as well.
Hopefully FIL home isn't big enough, and you can use that and his age as an excuse to suggest an air bnb.
Find some nice ones on the ready so they can't argue with it.
Make sure it's mentioned that you found after 10 days that it was too much to host for an extra family on top of your own, and like above, you want to be at your best and not exhausted.

That way, next time they suggest coming to yours, you have already put in some resistance.

It's not rude to be assertive. You don't have to be confrontational.

You are NOT being unreasonable, so you're perfectly within your rights to have control over what you do with your time and your home and your FIL's home!

Thanks to those who replied. They left just now for the airport , they wanted DH to drop them off though I said to DH lets just call a cab to airport for them - hes gone now during work hours to drop them. Honestly annoyed dont know how much longer I could have held it in.
This post and the replies helped me hold it in and strategise instead of yell at everyone which was what my insides were screaming to do.

Done the following based on all your advice, as previously when much younger I would have yelled at such people and there was never a satisfactory outcome from that or yelled at DH with no ideal outcome , and I wanted to handle this more strategically this time. I know that for him, unwinding means time with his lads and their banter is endless but essentially harmless when hes with the boys, and for him the look of peace that comes over him after boys' time with school and uni/college folks is the same peace I get with netflix and chill, or a great book. But this wasnt okay at all.

The reason I was even more upset with this situation is now last night they were talking about 'joining us' when we go to my mum's hometown next visit, which is an hour from my FILs , and where I (well DH and I ) have invested in a holiday home on a shared basis with my siblings who are also co investing , it will be let out during the year when not in use by one of the three of us siblings - and my terror is that SS and family now want to stay there with us when we holiday a few days later this year and perhaps expect me or my mum to cook for them ?? My mum would have a panic attack.

DId the following in the past couple of hours whilst your replies came in

1. Told SS's wife when madam came down for breakfast , which i heated up and laid out on the table for all of em (with DH helping) while juggling office calls !!, in response to her ' oh you have pampered us so much, oh we cant wait to see you again ' - that we would definitely come to their hometown stay with them and spend time with them, and she could look forward to that.
2. Their DD8 kept asking when can we see you all again (I dont know if some of this is coached maybe just getting paranoid) and my DH said well we will be visiting the grandparents in November - and I immediately said and as soon we have finished up our visit with each of them , we will be sure to come to yours. and I am very excited about it as you have that glorious beach at your doorstep (even though I dont like SSs wife with the talk of her inherited wealth and her laziness to even tidy up after themselves after meals etc, spending any time in her company doesnt feel like a relaxing holiday but its a lesser evil to just meet than have to actually host !). I am hoping this will make them see that hotels are an option for visits on either side, and perhaps they should spend some of their alluded to wealth on hotels and meals out.
3. Reminded DH he is not a husband who has a SAHW, and that he has always wanted a working wife and our lifestyle is considerably better because of it and so he should not sit around with 'the men' while the women wash up just cos his friend does so , as that might be his friend's arrangement with his own SAHM wife and their business, but certainly not our arrangement, and reiterated how key my own relaxation and downtime on rare holidays are (we get only 4 weeks off every year max ?). Felt resentful even having to point out all this but yes I heard you all and it had to be done. He didnt say much as has literally been run off his feet by them and was rushing to get them to airport , juggling his work and also he had a hairline fracture of the finger (sorry for drip feed) last week and two trips to A&E - and also had to take me to my gynae appts for my peri meno stuff twice last week - but his friend still didnt let up with asking him to drive them places from what I could see. I dont understand male friendships :-)

Thanks everyone who read all this and also opined. Love you all and wouldnt be able to survive without MN honestly.

forgot to add I also said to DHs friend and DH before they left for airport and everyone was there , 'so next time we plan families meeting up (this wasnt a holiday as only they were on holiday so I called it a meet up?) it would be great if y'all could do a whatsapp group with the wives so we could also chime in on planning it with best times, location etc - his friend looked so sheepish, I cant help but feel the friend knew exactly how much it strained us the past ten days. Do some ppl get a kick out of straining other ppl's marriages I cant help but wonder sometimes, but then I tell myself that is crazy paranoia. DH has done a lot better for himself overall , then what he and his friends from his youth expected of him back then - I wonder if that rankles with the friend. Would be a waste of time pursuing that suggestion with DH.

I know people like this. They know they are overstepping boundaries but they don't care. Their own comfort comes first. The only way to stop it to be be direct. They will continue to take as long as you continue to let it happen.

Maybe it's already been said but why can't DH and his mates go on a holiday without their wives/partners? Win-win, they get to hang out and you don't have suffer that obnoxious woman and her massive entitlement.

Your husband is "too tired" after driving them to help you wash up? That sounds like a cop out.

You really do need to be stronger. DH can have his “boys time” while the family stats in an airbnb. You should never, ever, offer to let them stay again. And you need to be upfront with dh “your boy friends are nit to take over my holiday experience or my family’s holiday home.” Your family has let them abuse your hospitality since childhood but I will not permit this going forward . I am working full time and I will not be available to host again. Full stop.”

Was there 2 kids there ?

I think you need to tell your DH in no uncertain terms how you feel about this, otherwise these fuckers will turn up at FIL's/the holiday home and plead ignorance. It's brilliant that they are so well off --> hotel.

My/Our son who is almost 16 ....and their daughter who is 8ish...I also found it really odd that they werent making sure their daughter had her dinner, I would set the table out and the kids were eating at different times from the men and SSs wife would go upstairs for a long hot bath every evening while her daughter asked me to help her plate up her dinner etc - honestly , it all felt so off, I havent seen them in like 16 years almost and they didnt feel this strange when I met them as a newly wed first 20 years ago and we were all in our 20s !!!! They havent aged sensibly at all !!!!

THis seemed a very very strange holiday for the self proclaimed wealthy woman to have ? I consider myself middle class only but would want a decent hotel and not to feel like an unwanted free houseguest at someone's house while they did their office work and doctor appointments and school runs etc and dependent on their kindness for meals instead of using trip advisor and google maps and taking myself out to nice meals and things to do? They slept a lot and said it was a 'rest vacation' .....hmmm....

BTW DH (feels like just H this morning lol) , back from airport and confirmed that Friend had told him over the past week, that friend/SS struggling with MH of wife, who wakes late and doesnt do much all day and they dont even sleep together any more (men discuss all this ? DH says he said he shared no intimate details from his side) - so his marriage is unhappy so we should share in the misery presumably ? I dont mean to sound uncaring but I wouldnt go to my friends enfamilie like this on holiday to improve a marriage if thats what that was?!.

sorry forgot to add, told DH as advised by all you wise women, that he can feel free to plan a week a year boys trip with the 4 guys in his group , or even just with this one who seems to need DHs time and attention at the moment, but to not plan anything with families next time and it wasnt going to work for me.
Didnt go down ecstatically but was noted.

also had to take me to my gynae appts for my peri meno stuff twice last week

Is he driving you around as well? Do you not drive?

the guest room was too small to add in a cot for their DD who is 10

Have they got an 8 year old and a 10 year old?

They sound like a bit of a nightmare-not your job to be cooking and giving your bedroom up for 10 days. It wouldn't be happening again and I wouldn't be arranging anything at your in laws or with your mum either.

Yes Shiny, that is true that I havent been driving too much recently due to some eye issues but did insist on bus or taking taxi as its close by for the appointments but he said he would drive me there as I was looking wobbly about them (I was feeling on edge the whole week but not about the Doc appts as that has been ongoing for a few months now, it was about the houseguests that I was exhausted over). I suppose I should have insisted harder I make my own way and back given he was driving last week with a sore and plastered finger and there was no let up from his friend. Point taken on that, thank you ! In general, I do a lot more of the cooking and washing when its just the three of us , as he does more of the driving though. But in our 20s and 30s i never kept a strict tab on who is doing what, I earned more and did more around the house too, its harder at 46 to not start keeping count and needing as much support as ones DH can give with the shared to do.

They just have the one DD either 8 or 9 , P4'ish , I might have rounded off in the first post.

Also we went up to put some of our stuff back in our room finally and I would not even sit down on the bed to put something inside its box till I had stripped all the sheets , cases , et all off and dumped it in the wash and aired the room out thoroughly, and Dh goes (as if I am the snobby one lol) ' theyre still the same ppl we knew 20 years ago you know and hung out with before moving - youre acting like they have headlice now or something...' I couldnt help retort with I would rather sleep on the same sheets after my bed was used by a homeless person needing refuge for a night, but your friends have given me the ick with their talk of wealth and then cheapness in staying over 10 days and not lifting a finger around the house' The ick factor was blurted out , so much for strategic and empathetic :--) ...at least I held it in till they left though, he gave me that !

You really don’t have to justify your driving habits to some random on the internet with a bug up her butt.

Surely your DH is not more tired than you? He is driving these cheeky fuckers around all day but you are working full time and then waiting on them hand and foot in the evening. Let you DH do the cooking and cleaning up after them.

They sound pretty unbearable, sitting on their arses and boasting about how much help they have at home.

Op you are being a mug, sorry. Your dh needs to stop inviting them! I could not do this. Have your excuses lined up. or just drop the users! You don’t need to be nice.