Still struggling after my husband's emotional affair

[MangoPassionPath]

I’m seeking other people’s advice/input. My husband had an emotional affair with his work colleague from 2018 to end of 2020 when I found out during Covid. When I confronted him, he said he wanted to be with someone he can have banter with (keep in my mind he doesn’t make me laugh in our relationship even before finding out).

I saw messages of him calling her baby girl, and she was calling baby boy. The girl had been trying to meet up with him after work etc. he used to call her when I wasn’t around. My husband has never been so talk-active with me since I met him. So the person I saw in that chat surprised me.

Anyway after confronting him he also said that me and him couldn’t be together if I didn’t speak to his sister and mother who (physically & emotionally abused me). But then he started to apologise. I told him to leave the job he left but I don’t trust him anymore.

On a day to day basis he shouts at me for no reason. He sometimes acts arrogantly. When I initiate separation he doesn’t want to separate. He acts emotional unavailable. All I’m thinking is I’ve given him another chance but he is acting like this. We have an almost 3 year old son together.

Anyway the emotional affair bothers me until today. I don’t trust him. I’m not happy. I’m not at peace. He said if I had that type of relationship with someone he would’ve never forgave me (I asked what if tables were turned).

Am I crazy for feeling like this? Honestly I can’t let it go because he is not loving towards me on a regular basis. When I reached out to the girl she said it was nothing but just jokes. I’ve attached images of him and her talking. My husband is the blue one. Then I’ve attached images of when I reached out to the girl on WhatsApp. I’m the green one and she the white one

i can’t attach all images of the chats

here is the chat between them:

husband:
ahahaahahahaha
Whats your beef Be

colleague:
Miss Be to you

husband:
Sorry Mx Be for intercourse's sake
hope this helps

colleague:
MR BOOTY
baby got back

colleague:
maybe u could come in the office sime days when i come back?

colleague:
who sent u that hahah

husband:
Jag sent me it lool

colleague:
maybe u could come in the office sime days when i come back?

husband:
I might slide through
If they let me in I can't even find my card
Lool

colleague:
come on come onn hahhaha
i only get 1 break i get 1 half hour break but finish at 1 on a friday

husband:
Y0000000000
Time to g0000000o
Get some sleep g I might call you today if your not biz

colleague:
yooo i know thank god
im sleeping normally
im just exhausted
but yee gimme a shout

husband:
I hear you them calls are not a joke

colleague:
jut not feeling well and im getting so irritated easily i just needed today done hahaha atleast i can try chill now

husband:
Yeah man chill relax drink some wine and chill
Lool yeah ina bit g xxx

another chat of them:

colleague:
why play me like that
YES PLS
bby boy

husband:
ok one sec
there you go baby girl

colleague:
FANKU young sir

husband:
Yourre very welcome madam
Collegue:
this is boring
im bored

husband:
Proper man
Im in a big dilamma

here is what the girl told me on whatsapp:

Hey, so honestly it's fine to message me l understand you're probably wanting reassurance
14:31
But was there something else that initially prompted u to msg?
Anyway, I was friends with A & when he worked at B
14:31
We were on the same team and used to get a train back the same way I went to he would get off L and A go to C
14:32
I can assure you on my life nothing happened between us
14:32
never asked
much about
his personal life, I just knew he was working on an app etc.l did later find out he was engaged or has a wife (I wasn't sure) I can't remember if it was him who told me this or someone else. At the time i was in my own relationship but had broken up with the someone who id been in a committed relationship for a long then so I wasn't looking for anything and only really did see as a close work friend
14:34
We never met up outside of work
14:34
I can't remember if it was spoken about or not, but anyway during covid I changed jobs within the company and _just
disappeared, he left:
14:35
If you think he's lying and have doubts about his story I do wonder if there's more that's happened but it's none of my business, really sorry you're going through this
14:36
And it's upsetting
has
painted me that way if that is the case

We did used to have just mess around I guess looking back now it would come accross that way to soemone but honestly, there was nothing in it, the distance was kept
14:41
I worries
14:41
I'm sorry anyway I knew little about the situation, best of luck to you

You should have left this loser back when you found out he was cheating on you. Someone's literally cheating on you and you stayed with him. Girl have some self-respect... if not for you, do it for your son.

If you're not happy, you should leave. He doesn't sound as if he treats you very nicely and you shouldn't put up with being shouted at. You don't need his permission to separate - just do it.

Wtf. Did anyone, including those involved, actually understand those messages.

You need to leave. This isn't normal or healthy.

I was definitely expecting different messages than those tbh. None of them are in and of themselves indicative of an affair to me but granted they’re quite friendly.

Only you can decide if you’re happy or not and whether you want to leave.

He’s playing a role with this OW, which he can do because he saw her rarely, or for relatively short periods of time. Also, he can think about what to text to her and how to respond to her in a text. How he is with you is his true self. His true self doesn’t sound very nice, tbh.

Just end it. Nobody needs unnecessary drama and treated like a piece of shit in marriage.

Looks like they’re written by an illiterate 15 year old

We definitely need a "translate" button for these messages. What are they saying to each other?

What kind of workplace employs illiterate people?

On a day to day basis he shouts at me for no reason. He sometimes acts arrogantly. When I initiate separation he doesn’t want to separate. He acts emotional unavailable.

You do realise that you don't owe him anything?
You realise you don't need to explain why you want to end a relationship.

You realise you don't need to have his permission to seperate.
You don't have to stay with someone because you have a child,
You don't have to stay with someone if youre not happy.

Just reiterating that you can leave, you don't need to have his permission, he doesn't need to agree, you don't need him to be ok about it.

Walk away.
"I'm done. goodbye"

Leave. You don’t need his permission to seperate! You deserve happiness.

Dump this unpleasant, cheating dick. You’ll feel better, believe me.

@Perhapsanothertime i know my husband this was the beginning of something. He also said if I have/had the same relationship with a guy, it would be hard for him to stay with me

i know my husband this was the beginning of something. He also said if I have/had the same relationship with a guy, it would be hard for him to stay with me

As I say, only you can decide. But if I was having a chat like that with a guy I wouldn’t be thinking he fancied me or anything. I think it is forgivable territory.

My ex was a terrible flirt, so I do know what you mean. Sometimes even something innocent on the face of it could be a poor attempt at pulling.

I don’t really see how those messages constitute an emotional affair or cheating. But I’d leave him for shouting and being borderline illiterate, he sounds dumb as shit.

Aside from anything else I couldn't be with a man whose use of written English language is so poor.

Basically he does not allow me to have this type of relationship with the opposite gender or any relationship with the opposite gender. He also told me if I had the same relationship that he had with this girl, it would’ve been hard for him to stay with me.

Op has he said he had any feelings for this woman or that anything was going on?

To me it just seems like immature banter but I dont see an emotional affair there. Also when hes calling her "g" , this seems to be what people call a mate.

Who decided this was an emotional affair? You or your husband? Because this woman didn't see it as an affair and TBH, it doesn't read like one.

Feels like a distraction anyway - he's unkind to you, he 'won't let' you have male friends - it's not that he had an affair, it's that he's not a very nice person to be around and doesn't add to your life positively.

There's nothing in those messages.

Your relationship doesn't sound happy anyway and you don't need permission to leave. Why waste your life?

He said he had no feelings for her but that she was after him. I do believe that if she gave him the chance he would’ve took it. One day he went to see his family who live 200+ away on his way back home he tried to call the girl to go see her but she didn’t pick up.

He says he loves me a lot and can’t live without me and love bombs me when we talk about separating. I want to see what the future has for us but I’m suffocating and don’t see anything changing. I feel like I’m getting empty promises but I don’t want to move on and have these “what if he changed, what if it got better etc”

How many years have you wasted? You already know what your future looks like with him - your past and present.

10 years. But he says he won’t continue with life if we separate. I don’t want him to commit you know. And he must really love me if he can’t live without me that’s what I’m thinking at the time when he says these things. but whenever I give him another chance he’d kinda start to talk about what kind of race he wants to marry into next. I’m confused.