Still struggling after my husband's emotional affair

[MangoPassionPath]

I’m seeking other people’s advice/input. My husband had an emotional affair with his work colleague from 2018 to end of 2020 when I found out during Covid. When I confronted him, he said he wanted to be with someone he can have banter with (keep in my mind he doesn’t make me laugh in our relationship even before finding out).

I saw messages of him calling her baby girl, and she was calling baby boy. The girl had been trying to meet up with him after work etc. he used to call her when I wasn’t around. My husband has never been so talk-active with me since I met him. So the person I saw in that chat surprised me.

Anyway after confronting him he also said that me and him couldn’t be together if I didn’t speak to his sister and mother who (physically & emotionally abused me). But then he started to apologise. I told him to leave the job he left but I don’t trust him anymore.

On a day to day basis he shouts at me for no reason. He sometimes acts arrogantly. When I initiate separation he doesn’t want to separate. He acts emotional unavailable. All I’m thinking is I’ve given him another chance but he is acting like this. We have an almost 3 year old son together.

Anyway the emotional affair bothers me until today. I don’t trust him. I’m not happy. I’m not at peace. He said if I had that type of relationship with someone he would’ve never forgave me (I asked what if tables were turned).

Am I crazy for feeling like this? Honestly I can’t let it go because he is not loving towards me on a regular basis. When I reached out to the girl she said it was nothing but just jokes. I’ve attached images of him and her talking. My husband is the blue one. Then I’ve attached images of when I reached out to the girl on WhatsApp. I’m the green one and she the white one

i can’t attach all images of the chats

here is the chat between them:

husband:
ahahaahahahaha
Whats your beef Be

colleague:
Miss Be to you

husband:
Sorry Mx Be for intercourse's sake
hope this helps

colleague:
MR BOOTY
baby got back

colleague:
maybe u could come in the office sime days when i come back?

colleague:
who sent u that hahah

husband:
Jag sent me it lool

colleague:
maybe u could come in the office sime days when i come back?

husband:
I might slide through
If they let me in I can't even find my card
Lool

colleague:
come on come onn hahhaha
i only get 1 break i get 1 half hour break but finish at 1 on a friday

husband:
Y0000000000
Time to g0000000o
Get some sleep g I might call you today if your not biz

colleague:
yooo i know thank god
im sleeping normally
im just exhausted
but yee gimme a shout

husband:
I hear you them calls are not a joke

colleague:
jut not feeling well and im getting so irritated easily i just needed today done hahaha atleast i can try chill now

husband:
Yeah man chill relax drink some wine and chill
Lool yeah ina bit g xxx

another chat of them:

colleague:
why play me like that
YES PLS
bby boy

husband:
ok one sec
there you go baby girl

colleague:
FANKU young sir

husband:
Yourre very welcome madam
Collegue:
this is boring
im bored

husband:
Proper man
Im in a big dilamma

here is what the girl told me on whatsapp:

Hey, so honestly it's fine to message me l understand you're probably wanting reassurance
14:31
But was there something else that initially prompted u to msg?
Anyway, I was friends with A & when he worked at B
14:31
We were on the same team and used to get a train back the same way I went to he would get off L and A go to C
14:32
I can assure you on my life nothing happened between us
14:32
never asked
much about
his personal life, I just knew he was working on an app etc.l did later find out he was engaged or has a wife (I wasn't sure) I can't remember if it was him who told me this or someone else. At the time i was in my own relationship but had broken up with the someone who id been in a committed relationship for a long then so I wasn't looking for anything and only really did see as a close work friend
14:34
We never met up outside of work
14:34
I can't remember if it was spoken about or not, but anyway during covid I changed jobs within the company and _just
disappeared, he left:
14:35
If you think he's lying and have doubts about his story I do wonder if there's more that's happened but it's none of my business, really sorry you're going through this
14:36
And it's upsetting
has
painted me that way if that is the case

We did used to have just mess around I guess looking back now it would come accross that way to soemone but honestly, there was nothing in it, the distance was kept
14:41
I worries
14:41
I'm sorry anyway I knew little about the situation, best of luck to you

10 years. But he says he won’t continue with life if we separate. I don’t want him to commit you know. And he must really love me if he can’t live without me that’s what I’m thinking at the time when he says these things. but whenever I give him another chance he’d kinda start to talk about what kind of race he wants to marry into next. I’m confused.

It's not really up to you what he does if you seperate. Threatening that is coercive control and is a risk factor for killing a partner.

Have you considered he may be abusive?

I know it’s not up to me, but why would he start to talk about what race he wants to marry next if we just made up. He likes to create emotional instability for me, for example when I bring up my concerns about our future he says “just go with the flow” or “we don’t know what god got for us tomorrow” or “we will see” instead of reassuring me that things will be better. I feel like he got one foot out the door but he wants to decide when this relationship is going to end. I don’t know if he is abusive or insecure.

He said that we couldn’t be together if I didn’t speak to his sister and mother who physically & emotionally abused me.
He doesn’t make me laugh
I don’t trust him anymore.
I’m not happy.
I’m not at peace.
He shouts at me for no reason.
He acts arrogantly.
He acts emotional unavailable.
He does not allow me to have any relationship with the opposite gender
He love bombs me when we talk about separating
I’m suffocating
I don’t see anything changing.
I’m getting empty promises

These are enough reasons to get shut of him irrespective of any text messages. Do you want your child growing up witnessing someone shouting at their lovely mother on a daily basis? Do you think someone who forces you to have a relationship with people who abused you really has your best interests at heart? I don't think you've said one good thing about him or why you love it even like him.

He's a knob. Get rid of him and be happy.

Why did you marry someone who is not your soulmate? The messages aren't innately bad, but you feel the warning because you do not laugh or interact well together. Why did you marry someone you don't laugh or talk with?

I think marriages can be salvaged, but rhis involves you ans he becoming someone else, the persons that each other need. Better people. If you both aren't on board, I don't know. I don't care what you do. You seem like two people who possibly should have never been in union because you were never in union. Take this with a grain of salt. I am interpreting the things he's sais to you and most importanrlt the fact that you don't enjoy each other's company.

2 months in I realised something was not right but I didn’t know what. I felt like he wasn’t trying. He moved in with me so quickly. I asked him to move out he didn’t want to. He said he loved me etc. He said he wanted to be with me. I expressed to one of my work colleagues about how he was treating me, she advised me to teach him how to treat me better she said maybe he doesn’t know how to love or something like that. But later on I realised he does know how to love but chooses not to love me or just not try for me in general. He is also a family friend that’s why I don’t want him to commit sui** because that is what he has been saying he will do if we separate. I did tell him if he says that one more time I’m calling his gp so he hasn’t said it again.

With respect to you, I've got no intention of wasting my time mulling over what this useless arsehole might or might bot mean. He's a bad egg. He's wasting your time. At the very least don't waste your own time on thinking he is some deep and fascinating creature.

My advice is dump him because threatening suicide is coercive control.

I think you should leave him simply due to the fact I can’t understand a word he has texted!

So he’s abusive and a cheat? Why exactly are you still with him?

He sounds thick as fuck, cringey, doesn’t have much about him, is immature, unloving, and shouts at you. If he has an amazing dick, perhaps keep him on on a casual sex basis if you absolutely must but he’s not remotely ideal as a life partner!

Basically there was another guy at work who was talking like that to that girl, my husband wanted to win her over by copying how that guy talks, because he realised the girl liked to be spoken like that. He basically studies how a girl is and talks to her in a way she likes.

The issue isn’t the OW, it’s the state of your relationship.

i can’t see anything in those messages that suggests affair and the OW has confirmed this and they are no longer in touch.

are you and your partner compatible?

Probably not. He says if I had/have the same relationship with the opposite gender that he had with her, it would be hard for him to stay with me.

Op, are you an AI bot? You just keep repeating the same thing over and over again.

A real human being. I just thought that my message was so long that some stuff people missed