AIBU to think 45 yo friend acting like a 13 yo? How to react?

Sockmate123 · 2025-06-01T21:31:20+00:00

Friend suddenly went quiet a few weeks ago. We dont live locally to eachother at all so mainly chat over WhatsApp etc had invited her to something, she said she couldnt come with a big long excuse, I just said thats no problem, I understand. Since she has been v quiet. If I text she'll answer but just the bare minimum, like if I said Wow thats shocking what was on the news, I just get a yeah it is or no reply. She text me on my birthday but late evening and was literally just Happy Birthday and emojis. I asked if all ok, she said yes shes just busy but I know thats a lie. In short, I know her a long time, she's in a mood but wont say why. She has a bit of form for this. Would you just leave it, send odd text to check in or just leave it completely and see if she texts at all?? Before anyone says maybe something horrific going on in her life, I dont think so. I know all her extended family well, some are married to my extended family etc nothing seems to be amiss. I feel I'm running around after her which tbh I'm guilty of in the past. YABU-keep doing as you are, check in every few days YANBU-its downright rude to keep replying one word answers to a lifelong friend!

Renabrook · 01/06/2025 22:38

I would leave them to it

healthybychristmas · 01/06/2025 22:58

Leave her to it. She will come round a lot quicker if you don't say a word. It will also really irritate, which is a bonus! Please don't write to her and plead for her attention. There is a massive chance that she has absolutely no reason for being off with you anyway. Leave her to it and if she comes back to you and says anything just say oh you always do this, you forget that I've known you an awful long time.

DontTouchRoach · 01/06/2025 23:09

She’s not behaving like a 13-year-old; she just wants to be left alone. Take the hint.

Original poster

Sockmate123 · 01/06/2025 23:38

healthybychristmas · 01/06/2025 22:58

Leave her to it. She will come round a lot quicker if you don't say a word. It will also really irritate, which is a bonus! Please don't write to her and plead for her attention. There is a massive chance that she has absolutely no reason for being off with you anyway. Leave her to it and if she comes back to you and says anything just say oh you always do this, you forget that I've known you an awful long time.

Thanks for the advice. That's a good call on saying you always do this or similar!

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Original poster

Sockmate123 · 02/06/2025 10:28

DontTouchRoach · 01/06/2025 23:09

She’s not behaving like a 13-year-old; she just wants to be left alone. Take the hint.

Thanks for your insight.

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IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 10:31

Sockmate123 · 02/06/2025 10:28

Thanks for your insight.

Show quote history

Well, isn’t it possible it’s true? You seem determined to think she’s being moody about something, but nothing you’ve said suggests any reason why — isn’t it also possible that for whatever reason she wants not to be in contact atm?

Original poster

Sockmate123 · 02/06/2025 10:33

Renabrook · 01/06/2025 22:38

I would leave them to it

That's the plan I think. There was no fallout or anything. I dont know, I went on holiday. Maybe she got jealous, I honestly don't know lol

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Arsehooooole · 02/06/2025 10:36

Bare with me OP here but it's wildy possibly your "friend" (you seem to speak "highly" of) could be going through something she's keeping to herself and just doesn't want to talk to you or anyone?
Not everyone wants to air their dirty laundry to everyone and it isn't your god given right to know and that's ok. It doesn't mean she's acting like a 13 year old!
I wouldn't want a friend like yourself if you thought I was acting like a 13 year old if I wasn't texting back to your standards.

whitewineandsun · 02/06/2025 10:37

Why have you decided she's in a mood and immature because she's not chatting to you all the time on WhatsApp? People get tired (life can be exhausting) and step back. It's allowed.

She' acknowledged your birthday. What did you want her to say when you texted about some awfulness on the news? Compassion fatigue is a thing. I wouldn't have known what to say, either.

Mareleine · 02/06/2025 10:38

I think it depends on what the big long explanation was (that you dismissed as an excuse) and whether you showed any empathy or understanding over it or whether you just put "Ok no problem" and shut down the conversation. If you didn't show any consideration to her, you're just getting what you give.

CreationNat1on · 02/06/2025 10:42

Maybe she is sick of text tennis. It's hardly meaningful communication. Drop the texting and make an effort to see her in person or call for a chat.

ItsSoFoggy · 02/06/2025 10:51

She could be going through something, a lot of people don’t tell anybody their problems or worries.

whitewineandsun · 02/06/2025 10:55

Also; you deciding her reasons for not attending your event was 'a big long excuse' could go some way to explain why she's quiet now, I would have thought. You sound dismissive.

TwistedWonder · 02/06/2025 10:56

DontTouchRoach · 01/06/2025 23:09

She’s not behaving like a 13-year-old; she just wants to be left alone. Take the hint.

Agree. Not sure it’s actually the friend behaving like a 13 year old tbh

Kbroughton · 02/06/2025 11:07

'I asked if all ok, she said yes she's just busy but I know that's a lie.'

How do you know? If anyone sounds like they are a 13 year old it is you. You sound a bit relentless on whatsapp. As an adult I cant imagine being in this much contact with anyone 'I text her when there is something shocking on the news' and if they did, I would probably be quiet, especially if I was busy or something was going on with me.

Penguinfeet24 · 02/06/2025 11:14

I would literally leave her to it and let her stew in her own juices. If she's not going to be adult enough to discuss like a grown up then let her crack on. I hate this behaviour, my mother does it and its all to garner your interest and make you do the running around after them. Nope. I stopped responding to it all and said fine, you let me know when you want to be reasonable and we no longer have this problem anymore.

stitchy · 02/06/2025 11:19

Oh I have a friend that does exactly this and it's infuriating so I know why you 'know' she is in a sulk rather than taking some time out in an adult way.
I would just leave her to it, don't pander to the sulk/performative silence and just be there to pick back up when she's back to normal. In my experience it's a form of manipulative behaviour, same as a dramatic yet opaque post on FB designed to elicit a 'you OK hun?'

Salumthecat · 02/06/2025 11:33

I get what you mean OP.

My best friend of 30 years does exactly the same and I can tell when she’s pissed off because she does the same with the short abrupt texts.

I know her so well that I can tell the difference between when she’s genuinely going through difficult times in life or when shes sulking with me.

I do agree it would help to know the excuse she gave in order to decide if she’s BU or not. If she sent you a long message saying her cat had just died or she’d been disciplined at work then your response is a bit cold, if it was something like a dog ran off with her only pair of shoes then your short reply is understandable!

I would just leave her to snap out of it, if you keep giving her attention then she’s got an incentive to keep doing this. If she’s a true friend then she will get back in touch if you don’t chase her. If she doesn’t respond to you then you can clearly see that being stubborn is more important to her then your friendship.

My friend is great apart from these little moods, she’s funny and kind and a great listener, we have been there for each other through thick and thin and are a huge support to each other. I look past the few days where I get one word replies because I didn’t like her nails because she’s an amazing person the rest of the time and she snaps out of it if she’s given time.
If your friend is a good friend when it matters then I would just wait this out and hope if you ignore the attention seeking attempts then she will find a healthier way to let you know when you’ve pissed her off!

On the other hand you could just send her a message asking straight out why she’s pissed off with you and say you can tell she is because of her responses. It gives her the chance to answer you honestly because it’s much easier to get these things out in the open and have difficult conversations over text messages then face to face. If she denies it though then it might make it easier for her to to keep sulking and claim it’s you who has a problem.

ThereWillBeSigns · 02/06/2025 11:51

I get it too - for the past six months or so a friend has just sent the thumbs up to my infrequent messages!

Not sure what I've done but I'm leaving her to it

Aimtodobetter · 02/06/2025 12:18

I've regularly had friends be a bit off for a while and I just gently keep reaching out until they do re-engage. In no cases was it about me - it was always about something going on for them (not necessarily major - just 'life'). They always told me afterwards they appreciated me keeping the door open as not many of their friends did and so their friendship group shrank a lot when they went through those phases because then they felt embarrassed to reestablish the friendships they let lapse. Interestingly, a lot of them re-engaged when I had something going on they heard about and they wanted to be there for me in some small way.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 02/06/2025 12:21

Sockmate123 · 02/06/2025 10:33

That's the plan I think. There was no fallout or anything. I dont know, I went on holiday. Maybe she got jealous, I honestly don't know lol

Show quote history

Oh yeah, it must be that she's jealous of your holiday 🙄🙄

And you're accusing her of acting like a 13 year old?

Original poster

Sockmate123 · 02/06/2025 12:26

ThereWillBeSigns · 02/06/2025 11:51

I get it too - for the past six months or so a friend has just sent the thumbs up to my infrequent messages!

Not sure what I've done but I'm leaving her to it

Its so childish isn't it? Have you stopped messaging her?

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stayathomer · 02/06/2025 12:27

My friend disappeared for a while, very similar, saying she was busy, short/ no messages. Found out a year later when her mum died her mum had had dimentia and she told nobody. I know loads of other who’ve gone off the radar for ages and were dealing with stuff but told nobody until after the fact. Add to this our age/ hormones etc it could be anything. I’d say don’t badger but don’t go either

Foreverhappiest · 02/06/2025 12:27

healthybychristmas · 01/06/2025 22:58

Leave her to it. She will come round a lot quicker if you don't say a word. It will also really irritate, which is a bonus! Please don't write to her and plead for her attention. There is a massive chance that she has absolutely no reason for being off with you anyway. Leave her to it and if she comes back to you and says anything just say oh you always do this, you forget that I've known you an awful long time.

This leave her and don’t rise to it. Get adult friends

Original poster

Sockmate123 · 02/06/2025 12:28

Salumthecat · 02/06/2025 11:33

I get what you mean OP.

My best friend of 30 years does exactly the same and I can tell when she’s pissed off because she does the same with the short abrupt texts.

I know her so well that I can tell the difference between when she’s genuinely going through difficult times in life or when shes sulking with me.

I do agree it would help to know the excuse she gave in order to decide if she’s BU or not. If she sent you a long message saying her cat had just died or she’d been disciplined at work then your response is a bit cold, if it was something like a dog ran off with her only pair of shoes then your short reply is understandable!

I would just leave her to snap out of it, if you keep giving her attention then she’s got an incentive to keep doing this. If she’s a true friend then she will get back in touch if you don’t chase her. If she doesn’t respond to you then you can clearly see that being stubborn is more important to her then your friendship.

My friend is great apart from these little moods, she’s funny and kind and a great listener, we have been there for each other through thick and thin and are a huge support to each other. I look past the few days where I get one word replies because I didn’t like her nails because she’s an amazing person the rest of the time and she snaps out of it if she’s given time.
If your friend is a good friend when it matters then I would just wait this out and hope if you ignore the attention seeking attempts then she will find a healthier way to let you know when you’ve pissed her off!

On the other hand you could just send her a message asking straight out why she’s pissed off with you and say you can tell she is because of her responses. It gives her the chance to answer you honestly because it’s much easier to get these things out in the open and have difficult conversations over text messages then face to face. If she denies it though then it might make it easier for her to to keep sulking and claim it’s you who has a problem.

Sounds like we have the same friend!!

She's a great listener especially and good for giving advice.

I think i will wait it out as you say. Thanks for such a lengthy reply x

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