AIBU to think 45 yo friend acting like a 13 yo? How to react?

[Sockmate123]

Friend suddenly went quiet a few weeks ago. We dont live locally to eachother at all so mainly chat over WhatsApp etc had invited her to something, she said she couldnt come with a big long excuse, I just said thats no problem, I understand. Since she has been v quiet. If I text she'll answer but just the bare minimum, like if I said Wow thats shocking what was on the news, I just get a yeah it is or no reply. She text me on my birthday but late evening and was literally just Happy Birthday and emojis.
I asked if all ok, she said yes shes just busy but I know thats a lie. In short, I know her a long time, she's in a mood but wont say why. She has a bit of form for this. Would you just leave it, send odd text to check in or just leave it completely and see if she texts at all??
Before anyone says maybe something horrific going on in her life, I dont think so. I know all her extended family well, some are married to my extended family etc nothing seems to be amiss.
I feel I'm running around after her which tbh I'm guilty of in the past.

YABU-keep doing as you are, check in every few days
YANBU-its downright rude to keep replying one word answers to a lifelong friend!

Someone going quiet isn't acting like a 13 year

Someone suggesting they may be jealous or not understanding that there may be something going on behind the scenes is though.

Great advice!!

You ok hun 🤣🤣 I HATE that carryon!!

Not going quiet but thumbs up replies or ignoring messages is. Manners cost nothing. We've been through thick and thin together. My Dad was on his death bed and we still had open communication as was her mother.
She is in a mood 💯.

The holiday thing was tongue in cheek but I do know thats something that bothers her as she had made the odd comment before. For various reasons we travel alot.

I am planning to! I think I'm feeding too much into her behaviour

I love how the OP is only replying to those who are agreeing with her.
Now who's the 13 year old.
🤯😅

Ooh the mean girls are out in force today

People change, OP. She doesn’t owe you a reply or a certain type of reply. I’ll respond to questions and time-sensitive things, but not always necessarily to other things that don’t. Maybe she no longer wants to do back and forth WhatsApp relays about trivia. Maybe she’s dealing with something she’s not ready to talk about. If she lives at a distance, you can’t possibly know for sure. Could be anything.

Your determination that she’s in a mood is the weird thing here. If this is a long and valued friendship, why are you so determined to believe the worst of her?

😂😂😂
Give over!!!!!
Mean girls? What for stating an obvious fact? That she's ignoring everyone that disagrees with the OP???

Your username is very apt

I might be the bad friend in this situation. I get overwhelmed with social expectations really easily. I always feel bad if I pull out of something and tend to hide away for a few weeks afterwards. Ideally I'd like people to leave me to it, although I know my behaviour can be unfair on others and they shouldn't have to accommodate my anxiety in their lives. Luckily I've got great friends who are always ready to include me when I feel up to it and I'm eternally grateful for that.

I'm just working my way through the replies. I stopped to put in a root colour lol

To answer a few of the questions,

No its not that she doesn't want to WhatsApp as much, its actually her that messages more than me and a running joke that she sends 'essays' and 12 min long voice notes 🙈

I know some people withdraw, she is not that type at all. She is a ring and blurt out problems type of person.

When I mentioned about holiday it was tongue in cheek as in I had been wrecking my brain trying to think of reasons.

I think some people have been on the receiving end of this behaviour, silent treatment but not fully and 'get' where i am coming from.

I appreciate all the replies, its always good to have lots of perspectives and insights. Its thought provoking so thank you for replying.

You sound lovely. My friend is the complete opposite though, very sociable, more than me even and I would be described by most people who know me as very sociable

I absolutely dont think the worst of her. I love her like a sister.
But I just want advice on how to handle this behaviour.

If I was off with someone I would text the next day or soon after apologising.

she said she couldnt come with a big long excuse, I just said thats no problem, I understand.
Not sure why you've ignored posters asking you what the "excuse" was OP, when there is a high chance that your dismissove response is what's irritated her. That, or she just wants a bit of peace and quiet.

If I really cared about her I’d message and say “ you have been a bit quiet lately, is everything ok” if she says everything is fine I’d probably just take a step back at that point and match her energy.

I had a couple of friends who stopped making an effort, I found when I stopped too they started back up!

Sorry I forgot that question.

The excuse was fine. Basically she had already made plans with another friend group which she has had alot of on/off issues with. I am not friends with them, we live in different cities. She was just going into detail basically saying in a long winded way that she didnt want to rock the boat. I understood completely, I would have done the same. That's why I said to her that it was no problem, I understood. Because I did!!

I only mentioned that because it was the last proper conversation we had. Apart from emoji replies, silence or one word answers

I did and I just got 'I'm fine. Just busy'.

I think match the energy as you said is the way forward!!

Maybe try to take the higher ground and message something like " you sound like you are in a really busy period of life and I don't want to add to your load so I'll keep off WhatsApp to you for a month or so, but always happy to get back in touch when you are ready, or if you need to talk "

I am thinking this or just leave messaging until I hear from her, if I hear from her 🙈

I agree with that

I'll be leaving her be. Don't worry.

Why would someone be jealous? that line is used on here all the time

I have never been jealous of anyone else so I dont assume people are jealous of me, do people really think someone is jealous or is it something people convince themselves of to try and justify the issues they have themselves?

I agree with you. I am never jealous. Genuinely. Through my husbands work he would be involved with very wealthy people, yachts, several holiday homes etc. We live a comfortable life but nothing like that! I'm never jealous, I look at it as something to aspire to. I've no particular interest in yachts but I mean aspiring to have the best life possible.

However in my experience jealousy is a huge factor for other people. Huge. A friend of mine lives in a beautiful country house. She told me recently how two school mums who she would meet for coffee etc went quiet once they had been to her house. She didn't know ehy but another mutual friend of hers and theirs said the two mums were very jealous of the house and making bitchy comments and they sort of dumped her since.

I made that comment tongue in cheek that I was searching my brain about what could have kicked this off. When we were on holiday she did make a comment that she couldnt afford such a holiday (she could but spends on things I dont) and I was wondering is that what kicked of the change in her behaviour.

I really dont know and shes refusing to say that's wrong. So maybe it will transpire that something awful is going on in the background, hopefully not.

In the meantime, I am just living my life and focusing on friends who are more than happy to meet up and spend time together.

I asked if all ok, she said yes shes just busy but I know thats a lie.

How can you possibly know someone is lying about being busy??