To be so indecisive about how many children I want

[meagain3]

I feel like most people have a set idea of how many kids they want. I don’t at all.
I have one DS. DH is an only child, I’m 1 of 5.
I’ve never been overly maternal or interested in children until I had one and I can’t imagine not being a mother now and adore him so much. Having a child is just amazing and I’m constantly thinking about never having a baby again and it can make me quite sad. But also on another hand, I have nothing to do with 3 of my siblings and really close with 1 (we’re litterally best friends but only since becoming adults, we’d never play together as kids we hated eachother!!) so it’s no guarantee if ds did have a sibling that they’d be close.

DH says he loves being an only child and he had lots of attention , mum had plenty of money to do things with him and he had amazing holidays/experiences.

on one hand I think about the amazing things we could do with ds that we can’t necessarily afford to pay out for 2 kids , we can give him all of our time etc but then I wonder if he’ll hate us for not giving him a sibling, if he’ll feel lonely , how it’ll be when both of his parents are dead and he’s going through it alone etc. I’m constantly tossing between being one and done or giving ds a sibling…

Is anyone else like this?! I just can’t decide , if I did I’d want them close in age so I’d have to decide pretty soon!!

I must say, ds is quite a clingy high needs child so there’s definitely times where I say I’m never doing this again as it would be so hectic with 2. I’m worried I’ll regret it if I decide not to though

If you're one of five, you know the drill. I'd definitely have baby 2 if I were you. So many pros.

i did often feel as a child that I didn’t get enough attention and we didn’t have much money to do things/holidays as there was 5 of us it would be extortionate, if I had baby no2 I’ll definitely not have anymore😂

although I wonder if I’ll just mourn pregnancy and newborns and watching them grow forever and want more and more!!!

I think you would definitely regret not having another one than you would regret having another one. A family of four is manageable and I wouldn’t say extremely more cost effective as a family of 3, where DS is clingy, this might help teach him more independence

I don’t know any adults who hated their parents for not giving them a fictitious sibling.
The whole ‘they will be lonely’ thing is rubbish. DH and I are both only and we were never lonely. We had friends, activities and didn’t know any different.

I don't think anyone has a set idea about how many DC they want

Most people have a rough idea but accept it's subject to change

Are you worried that when your parents pass (sorry that seems mean to ask!) that you’ll have no one to share the emotional load with, that’s on the same page as you and feeling the same as you?

Fwiw, my mum died in January and despite having two siblings, I still had no one to share the emotional load with, as they had difficult relationships with her. So did I, but I was the one who truly grieves her and I had to do almost all the sorting out.

Give it time because I think when you know, you know.

After my first, I didn’t want another straight away or thought maybe in the future. But then bit by bit I just knew I wanted a second and I was absolutely certain about it. I did have my second and now I just know I’m done and I feel done.

Perhaps just give it a little bit of time and see how the feelings develop because I think you’ll know.

Only do it for you and your DH though, kids thrive with or without siblings so makes no sense to do it through guilt or some perception that only children are lonely because I just don’t think that’s true!

I would do it too. I think two is manageable and not a whole lot more expensive. It does help to have someone to lean on when parents get ill or die, even if you aren’t particularly close.

I also think things like Christmas and holidays are much more fun with a sibling! Go for it. It’s only number 2, not number 4!

not really OP. My mum had 3 siblings. When my beloved gran died, all the load of her care was dumped on her (and me). They carried merrily on with their lives as soon as the funeral ended, spent her money lie water and offered no support. We sought support in each other and our chosen family. Siblings are not a guaranteed support network. In fact seeing that has put me off a large family.

I'm an only and my parents have both passed, both very young.

No. I never wanted a sibling with any intensity (moments of "what if...?", but in reality I wouldn't have liked it as by the time I was old enough to be thinking it, the age gap would have been too large anyway, and that's supposing that we did actually get on...). I had plenty of friends, I liked being with my parents.

And it was deeply unpleasant and devastating when they died, but I can't in any way imagine that having a sibling would have made any difference to that. In fact, I suspect for me it would have been one more person for me to support through their grief, rather than being able to process my own & receive support from people less closely affected.

I know many many people who do not get on with or see their siblings (far more than are close to their siblings).

I also know many older people where only one of the (adult) children ended up responsible for the care of the parents as they aged, and then was responsible for sorting out the estates after they passed. The other siblings were full of advice and "you should...", but didn't share the load at all, just received the cash later.

So if you, personally, and DH aren't desperately wanting a second, don't do it. There is so much angst here about "not giving children a sibling", but as far as I've ever heard, it's very rare that children who have always been onlys actually want siblings in any meaningful way. It's the parents' fear, not the child's reality, that mostly seems to drive them.

I think from what you’ve said, you should have another. I’ve heard 3 - 3 1/2 years is the best age gap (not sure how true this is)

I had four children close together in my first marriage, got divorced, re-married and had another one after a large age gap so I have experienced of both. Four children meant money was tight, we didn't have fancy holidays or expensive clothes and presents but they always had each other to play with. When I had my fifth there was more money, we had the holidays abroad, she had nice clothes and more stuff than her older siblings had. Who do I feel sorry for? The youngest - I feel that she was the one who missed out.

Interesting! I think id only have 2 max..we’d still afford nice holidays and things for both kids if it’s just 2. I drive a small hatchback so must get a new mum car then we’ll be ready!🙈

My mum died, they were divorced so no help from my dad (not in a bad way). I'm one of four and permanently estranged from all of them. I handled it all myself, and I was perfectly fine as I had close friends and a partner supporting me. Raise your kid to be a decent, kind, interesting person, and they won't be short of support when you go. Having a sibling in the hope that they'll be close whenever you eventually die is just silly imo. There's no way of knowing whether a sibling will be a support and help, or a source of lifelong trauma. Gamble either way.

I know it’s different for everyone, but I’m so grateful for my sister - she’s my best friend and I can’t imagine life without her. Her children and my children are so close too. I have 3 children and although they’re all very different, they have a bond and when only one of them is home, it can sometimes feel harder to make the fun atmosphere happen (again I know that’s different for all families and I don’t have experience of the benefits of being or having an only child for comparison).

We always said we would only ever have one. However during covid we were stuck at home shielding. I just kept looking at DD and the empty seat around the dining table and said we should consider a second. It wasn't that we wanted to provide a sibling but more that we were meant to be more than a unit of 3. The dining room table now feels just right and we were right to have 2, although ask me when they are squabbling and I'd disagree 😂.

I'm an only child and it's great. My mum is an only child and her mother and I've only had the one. You don't miss what you never had. From your description of the child you have now I wouldn't have another, it sounds like it could be very hard work.

My child is 13 years old and has outwardly stated she does not want a sibling, I've not had another, we have held off and experienced a miscarriage during the years, not purposefully tried for another. She has a wide circle of friends, is confident, sociable and a scholar. Financially, we are secure and can go out for food or do as we like with no concerns. We can go on days out, holidays, Christmas without worrying of money which is massive in the current state of the country. Not saying siblings are a disadvantage at all but my daughter has flourished alone and with our time invested in her. Its a pre-conception that a child needs another siblings but it doesn't suit all families and neither should you feel guilty about it.

I would be more than happy with just my DS. We have a great life and practically it would be so much easier.

But I want him to have a sibling. I would have been lost and quite lonely without my brother at times especially as adults. I also wouldn't have my SIL or nephew who I love to piece's.

i did often feel as a child that I didn’t get enough attention and we didn’t have much money to do things/holidays as there was 5 of us it would be extortionate

Im 1 of 4, not much money or holidays - not I wouldn’t swap my siblings for all the tea in China.

Your ‘only’ may get married have a bunch of kids and have lots of support when you and your DH pass -

You need to decide if you want another one - it’s not your DS decision.

Don’t base your decision on what you think would be best for DS. You have no way of knowing whether a sibling would be an overall benefit or not. It’s chance.

Base it on what you (and DH) want. Do you feel the urge to have another child?

At the end of the day people don’t decide to have children or not for sensible practical reasons, it’s based on our feelings, and it’s the same for 2nd/3rd/4th kids.

25 weeks pregnant with number 2 and absolutely stopping after this one. If we were super rich, I’d have 4 or 5! I love kids and so does DH but realistically, 2 fit our lifestyle/earnings/home. We can afford to go abroad once a year with 2 (a luxury giving the current climate, I know), we won’t have to get a bigger car or bigger home. We can afford food for us as a family of 4 and our bills. We can afford birthdays and Christmas. We put savings into DD’s bank every month, also will do for this baby. We would be stretched with a third and I don’t want that. I’d rather live comfortably and give the 2 I’ve been blessed with a good life (I don’t mean in terms of material things when I say this). I feel like I could give 2 equal amounts of attention etc.

DH is the eldest of 5. He honestly feels like there was never enough growing up. Enough time, enough money, anything. They're not overly close now, we see them at family events and they have a WhatsApp group but rarely see any of them one to one.
I am one of two. The eldest. But there's an almost 8 year gap between me and my younger brother. Growing up we had totally different experiences. When I was a teenager I felt pushed aside because mum was always preoccupied by whatever my brother wanted/needed. However when he was a teenager I was moved out elsewhere so he had the full time/attention etc.
Weirdly now we're both adults we're close now and I'm glad I have him. But it was rough at times on the way to get here