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Original poster

To be so indecisive about how many children I want

40 replies

meagain3 · 01/06/2025 20:01

I feel like most people have a set idea of how many kids they want. I don’t at all.
I have one DS. DH is an only child, I’m 1 of 5.
I’ve never been overly maternal or interested in children until I had one and I can’t imagine not being a mother now and adore him so much. Having a child is just amazing and I’m constantly thinking about never having a baby again and it can make me quite sad. But also on another hand, I have nothing to do with 3 of my siblings and really close with 1 (we’re litterally best friends but only since becoming adults, we’d never play together as kids we hated eachother!!) so it’s no guarantee if ds did have a sibling that they’d be close.

DH says he loves being an only child and he had lots of attention , mum had plenty of money to do things with him and he had amazing holidays/experiences.

on one hand I think about the amazing things we could do with ds that we can’t necessarily afford to pay out for 2 kids , we can give him all of our time etc but then I wonder if he’ll hate us for not giving him a sibling, if he’ll feel lonely , how it’ll be when both of his parents are dead and he’s going through it alone etc. I’m constantly tossing between being one and done or giving ds a sibling…

Is anyone else like this?! I just can’t decide , if I did I’d want them close in age so I’d have to decide pretty soon!!

OP posts:
anon666 · 02/06/2025 22:52

I went through this, and here's my take.

Don't have another child unless you personally want another, i.e. do it for yourself or not at all.

I was absolutely over the moon with my one dd. She was gorgeous, very loved, and made my world.

I only had another out of "only child" guilt. Obviously now I love dd2 to bits, as well as dd1.

But two is more than twice as hard, as expensive and demanding of you. You have to be in it for the right reason.

I'm also one of five siblings. I love them all to bits, but we're not close. Nor are we in any way enemies or at odds. We're just diluted.

It seems clear now that neurodiversity runs in our family. Back in the day we were clever, eccentric and a bit nerdy. Nowadays it brings a lot of parenting risks. My two have had years of social anxiety, esting disorders, phobias, suicidal ideation, actual self harm and suicide attempts. My cousins have had an even worse dose of adolescent problems. There are alcoholics, autism, transgender, bipolar. All of these are difficult parenting issues to navigate. I love my daughters to bits, and we are now on the other side of the storm of adolescence. It's calmer.

But it's been exhausting.

Lolalady · 02/06/2025 22:53

I’m an “only” child and I’ve never regretted not having siblings. So many of my friends have brothers and sisters that they don’t get on with. When it comes to dealing with elderly parents it always seems to fall on one child while the rest sit back and make excuses!

Don’t feel you’re depriving your DS in any way.

BruFord · 02/06/2025 23:06

I’m an only and I’ve had two of my own.
As others have said, do what feels right to you. Two are manageable and affordable, imo. I thought that I wanted four, but realized that I couldn’t manage that number and we’d be broke, so I stopped at two!

I have found being an only somewhat hard tbh, my DH is from a large family and he’s been v. lucky. But not all families are like that.

Bowies · 03/06/2025 00:09

Siblings are a PITA and was happier before they came along!

Siblings often squabble. Yes they could play (and then squabble some more!) “giving them a sibling” I’ve always thought was a stupid reason to have more DC.

Many families have dramas with siblings after parents die (over funeral arrangements, assets etc) so don’t think “sharing the load” in this way is reflective of many people’s reality or a good enough reason to have more DC.

Seems like your DH is possibly also not so keen?

BooneyBeautiful · 03/06/2025 00:59

knor · 02/06/2025 18:01

I think from what you’ve said, you should have another. I’ve heard 3 - 3 1/2 years is the best age gap (not sure how true this is)

There is about a three and a half year gap between my two DC. I think that idea originally came about so you didn't have two in nappies at the same time.

MudMyNameIsMud · 03/06/2025 01:11

meagain3 · 01/06/2025 20:09

Are you worried that when your parents pass (sorry that seems mean to ask!) that you’ll have no one to share the emotional load with, that’s on the same page as you and feeling the same as you?

Show quote history

Or they might be like my sibling, emigrating and not returning until the funeral of the second parent to die, having done nothing apart from sending occasional postcards for thirty years.

Maxorias · 03/06/2025 01:24

OP, you're going to get a thousand different opinions here based on people's experiences. Those who were only children and loved it, those who were one of a dozen and hated it, etc... But none of them are you or your child.

Personally I think two is better than one because :

  • They can distract each other and play together, giving you a break
  • It teaches them patience and to wait for their turn
  • Each child is very different so it's a more in depth parenting experience
  • More opportunities to discover and share different things based on each child's interests

There's probably more but I've had a glass of white so I'll stop there.
I have three and I thought long and hard about the third, but I was sure enough about the first two that they're 19 months apart. They'd be 12 months apart if I had my way !

My 3rd is almost 4 years after my 2nd but although I wish they were closer in age I think it's the right age gap for many reasons.

I hate the baby stage but I think it's worth it for the children and adults that will be part of my life in the long run.

And finally, money is definitely a bit tighter, but it's made me more appreciative of what we have and less likely to buy plastic crap, so I try to see it as a positive.

Maxorias · 03/06/2025 01:27

Oh, and lots of people will say that you can't know that they'll get along, etc. But I don't know that many siblings who truly hate each other and don't have a bond. My brothers and I are definitely glad to have each other, even if we don't see each other all the time due to distance. I only know one person who said he hated his brother.... And he still had a photo of his niece on his desk.

So I wouldn't plan stuff on the assumption that they MUST be great friends, but I also wouldn't assume that they'd hate each other.

PollyPeep · 03/06/2025 01:28

Have a second baby! I have two and they are such a gift to each other.

Maxorias · 03/06/2025 01:36

I forgot to add, seeing the kids interact makes it worth it in and of itself. I could be wrong but I really think that when parents put in the effort to bolster a sibling relationship, it'd be unusual for sibling to not get along at least a little.

When I watch my eldest son play with his baby sister it makes my heart melt.

PollyPeep · 03/06/2025 01:48

Maxorias · 03/06/2025 01:36

I forgot to add, seeing the kids interact makes it worth it in and of itself. I could be wrong but I really think that when parents put in the effort to bolster a sibling relationship, it'd be unusual for sibling to not get along at least a little.

When I watch my eldest son play with his baby sister it makes my heart melt.

I agree! My two are completely different characters and perhaps wouldn't naturally get on. But we have put a lot of work into fostering their relationship right from the beginning. Contrary to what I read on Mumsnet, it's been quite unusual for me to have met someone in real life who doesn't get on with their siblings. I can only really think of one friend like this, and her family dynamics are noticeably weird!

Firefly1987 · 03/06/2025 03:58

Maxorias · 03/06/2025 01:27

Oh, and lots of people will say that you can't know that they'll get along, etc. But I don't know that many siblings who truly hate each other and don't have a bond. My brothers and I are definitely glad to have each other, even if we don't see each other all the time due to distance. I only know one person who said he hated his brother.... And he still had a photo of his niece on his desk.

So I wouldn't plan stuff on the assumption that they MUST be great friends, but I also wouldn't assume that they'd hate each other.

Well there's Prince William and Harry for a start...my siblings also hate each other, I speak to one of them and not the other-and the one I speak to is only for my mother's sake, otherwise she would have 3 kids that can't be in the same room as each other...

BruFord · 03/06/2025 16:35

I could be wrong but I really think that when parents put in the effort to bolster a sibling relationship it'd be unusual for sibling to not get along at least a little.

@Maxorias I’ve noticed this in DH’s family. His parents are big on mutual respect and being kind to each other and their adult children, despite being geographically scattered and v. different personalities, all make an effort to get along.

Original poster
meagain3 · 03/06/2025 21:15

Bowies · 03/06/2025 00:09

Siblings are a PITA and was happier before they came along!

Siblings often squabble. Yes they could play (and then squabble some more!) “giving them a sibling” I’ve always thought was a stupid reason to have more DC.

Many families have dramas with siblings after parents die (over funeral arrangements, assets etc) so don’t think “sharing the load” in this way is reflective of many people’s reality or a good enough reason to have more DC.

Seems like your DH is possibly also not so keen?

He’s said he’d like one more but equally if I wasn’t up for it he’ll be fine with that too as he’s had a great experience as an only child..so no pressure really, he’ll welcome one if that’s what I want. He works away so understands that although he’s away working to provide for the family I’m also the one home alone a lot raising a child and keeping a house running so he’s left the ball in my court!

OP posts:
Maxorias · 03/06/2025 21:50

OP, both experiences can be really great, it's what you make of it really, so maybe you need to think about what parenting experience you want ? Do you want to be able to focus all of your energy on one child and have a quiet house, more time for yourself and your partner, etc... Or would you like to feel the animation and energy of a fuller house, get to know another little person, share different things with them - as each child will be so incredibly different, etc ? Only you can answer that really.

I know that personally when I was thinking about the dinner table with just two or three of us it felt too small and quiet.

I also don't feel that two is that many, true chaos starts at 3 😂

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