NC with GM

[Unknownname86]

Hello

first time poster, just wanted some advice.
When I was a child my father’s mother was abusive to me and my sibling (DS). Verbal and physical abuse, and generally not a nice person. Early memories were being slapped around the face and being screamed at, and parents still sent me on ‘camping holidays’ with the promise that they will come and pick me up if I wanted to come home (obviously a load of rubbish seeing as the holidays were in Cornwall and we live in the north of England.

As I grew up she was awful , but not so much physically. She would say hurtful things such as ‘you’ll end up a single mother on benefits in a council house’, and ‘you’ve ruined your life’ when I had my son as a teenage parent - she tried to pay me £500 to have a termination and because I refused , she slapped me.

she’s a bitter old woman, and I’ve gone NC or minimal contact since then.

I gave birth to my son and was supported by my parents and went to college and university and got a degree as a nurse and social worker. My bitter grandmother apparently said that im not a proper nurse because I didn’t do general nursing (she’s an ex ward sister). I’m not bothered about this , but it just shows what kind of person she is.

I have been with my husband for 20 years and are very happy (haven’t had more children due to fertility issues despite IVF and currently on the waiting list for a hysterectomy in my 30’s due to severe endometriosis and adenomyosis).
If I had listened to her I would be childless, and wouldn’t have had my beautiful DS, who is amazing .

I feel like I have unresolved trauma , and possibly may benefit from counselling which I need to look into.

now the point of my post is, Grandmother is very old now and deteriorating in health at a fast pace. I’m really not sure if I should go to the funeral , just to support my dad. He knows that I don’t like her , and doesn’t ask me to go and see her anymore . She apparently told him to tell me if I don’t go and see her she will take me out of her will. I replied that I will donate any monies that she leaves me to the local dogs home as I don’t need her money .. I don’t think my dad passed this message on.

I did think of writing her a letter explaining why I haven’t been seeing her , but I’m sure she will play the victim.

AIBU for NC?

you are most definitely not being unreasonable cutting this woman from your life, she sounds awful op and I’m so sorry you went through that with her.

Thank you for your reply. It’s good to get opinions from people outside of the family.

YANBU at all!!

So very sorry you had a horrible time growing up with your grandparents. I was shipped off to my grandparents for the summer holidays too as mum couldn’t afford time off work. My grandma was pretty vile physical and favoured my cousins as Aunty was her favourite child but she wasn’t as bad as your Grandma and my grandad was kind, so that balanced things out.

In your shoes, I’d go to the funeral if you felt your dad would benefit from your support but you don’t have to pretend you liked her and feel free to make it clear to others that you’re only there to support him. I didn’t go to my grandma’s funeral but then my mum didn’t ask me to, so it was an easy decision and I was still a teenager at the time.

YANBU for going NC but don't write the letter and don't give her any more headspace.

Thanks for your reply. I’m so sorry you had to suffer as well. Similar situation as grandmother definitely favoured her daughters children , they got the nice treatment whereas me and my sister were treated inferior. I suppose I started this thread because my sister got treated appallingly (not as bad as me but definitely to some extent) and she still goes and sees grandmother. I’ve asked her in the past why she still sees her after all the terrible things she’s done to her and she just wants to forget about it and play happy families.. more so for her children’s sake I think.

Thanks. Yes I feel the same about not writing the letter. As much as I would like to get my feelings out in the open, I’ve held back and haven’t done it, so I won’t send the letter.

She sounds dreadful and definitely reasonable you should not speak to her.
Did your grandad stand up for you? Did he know how horrible she was being?

Anyway I'd say if you think it will be traumatic then don't go to the funeral. If it could be cathartic to support your grandad then maybe do go. But that dependent on how your grandad treated you when his wife was abusing you.

You sound like you've made a fantastic success of your life and have a loving partner and child. So there's nothing wrong with just forgetting she ever existed.

Counselling is a good idea too though. X

Thank you. My grandad is a very meek and mild man. He didn’t have a lot to say from memory , I only know that he wasn’t awful. I can’t remember if he challenged grandmother though. She definitely wears the trousers in the household.

I don't see my dad because he's a bad man, an abusive man, a criminal in lots of ways and contact with him is traumatic. I stopped contact largely at 24 when he finally left my mum for an affair with a woman very like him, dysfunctional, damaged and not functioning in society.

I stopped wishing to write him letters, to rapidly set forth my grievances etc as I grew and had counselling and found happiness iny own life. Because parent child relationships are complicated, noone is really 100% bad, he had his own very significant trauma etc. so I just keep my distance. At times I've sent financial support through siblings or whatever but he'd bleed us dry (siblings and I) if he had a sniff of access to anyone's money. I won't be sending death bed rages or angry letters, I've no desire to weigh on his conscience because he either isn't capable of caring or deep down already suffers, he was there, he knows what he did and how it affected us.

Peace for me is living my life with all the happiness and love I can find in it. Healing through therapy and self kindness etc. Everyone is different and everyone's situation is different but I'm no longer filled with rage Nd wish for vengeance.

Good luck working out what's best for you.

Thank you for sharing. I’m glad that you are at peace in your life and happy, you deserve to be.

A lot of what you say resonates, however I’m still at that stage of feeling like she has got away with abusing me and my sister , and everyone thinks she is amazing. I just want her to realise what she has done, but I suppose she wouldn’t care anyway. I need to move on and not give her anymore head space , but it’s hard. Maybe after some counselling.

He was probably bullied by her also. If he really wants you there and you think you could handle it maybe do it for him? X

OP we cannot choose our family. But we can choose to remove them from our lifes if they bring us unhappiness and misery.

Life really is short and it's worse to keep in contact because "they are family" and make yourself miserable because of it.

Don't blame you and honestly it sounds like you did the right thing.

Yes I think you’re right sadly :-( I think my dad and grandfather will appreciate me being there .

Thanks. Sadly we cannot choose our family.

I'm sure they would. As long as you won't get too upset. Once she's gone it could feel like a weight off your shoulders? But see how you feel. You don't have to make the decision until she's passed on. X

Ia nc with both my dps.. If possible (if u find out on time) I will attend the funerals.. Df to piss his dw off. And dm's because she has rewritten history and omitted having a dc and dgc from it. Her new friends have no idea we exist.
If df leaves me money (he won big years ago) I will let the dc spend it.
Dm has nothing to leave..

Thanks. I’ve been a lurker on mumsnet for a while and only just got the courage to post.

I’ve just remembered something else quite recent, which has made me resent her more. My brother unfortunately has been suffering with mental health problems and addiction issues. I took him to hospital when he was in crisis, made sure he went to his medical appointments and stayed with him in A&E for hours throughout the night. My parents and brother had a disagreement and parents nearly kicked him out.. I was the mediator and managed to successfully sort it so brother could go back home. My dad told me that grandmother said I was ‘always poking my nose in’ , despite being the only person in the family helping my brother and parents .. I think this was a dig because I’m a psychiatric nurse and she likes to say that I’m ‘taking over’ and ‘showing off’. I forgot about this actually and it’s very recent. She’s truly awful. I hope she goes to hell!

Thanks for sharing. How are you coping with NC? I still can’t get over the anger, I really wish I could forget she exists and move on but the anger is eating me up.

Go for your dad and grandfather, not her. If you get any money left to you, please save it for your kids as they will benefit from it. Or spend on stuff which will piss her off!

Thanks , you’re right.

Gawd she really does sound awful! I can't believe someone so cruel could have worked all their life as a nurse?! As for you not being a 'proper' nurse, RMN is definitely proper, and very very challenging. She probably wouldn't have the skills or compassion for it at all!

It's so kind of you to help your brother. I hope he's doing better now. Addiction is really hard on the person's family as well as for them. And being shunned in your time of crisis is the last thing anyone needs. As you so clearly can see.

Good riddance to her and enjoy your lovely family and your successful life xx

Thanks so much. It feels good to get it all off my chest and written down, and truly grateful for the replies I’ve had on here.

my brother has managed to kick his addiction, he looks a lot better for it and his relationship with our parents has obviously got better. Very proud of him, but he is still seen as ‘the black sheep’ of the family by grandmother. I tell him just to ignore her, but because he’s so kind he still goes and sees her, helps her fix her TV (I think she’s starting with early onset dementia because she’s very forgetful and always phoning him asking to fix her TV yet she’s pressed the wrong button). My brother goes running because he’s a nice person. Same with my sister , she goes seeing her too, says because she’s in her 80’s life must go on. I don’t know how they can be so forgiving , but if it works for them then I’m happy for them.

thanks again for all your support x

I was estranged from one of my DGM’s. She was estranged from lots of people but that’s a long story. When she died I didn’t go to the funeral but my DH went to support my DF. Don’t know if that could work for you.

Thanks for your message , and I don’t blame you for not attending. My DH would not go to the funeral I don’t think , especially if I wasn’t going. May ask my dad how he feels and if he wants me there (closer to the time) .

Unfortunately, your dad doesn't come out of this particularly well. Both your parents must have been aware of how badly all three of their children were being treated by your dad's mum but you were all sent to stay with her regardless.

I definitely wouldn't be attending the funeral. She may be in her 80's now but old age doesn't normally make people any nicer and from what you have said, she is still as cruel and vindictive as she was when you and your siblings were children.

Unpleasant and unlike elderly relatives aren't automatically worthy of care and compassion just because they are old.