Aibu to make my 17 year old ds give up his life?

[FastMintSheep]

Abit of a long one but advice greatly appreciated,I left my husband he was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my children,I have left the city I live in (Birmingham)and moved to Telford where I have my mom dad brother,I’m in temporary accommodation,my 17yr old son has stayed back in Birmingham with my ex even though my ex was abusive to him when he was younger it’s stopped now.My son doesn’t want to move to Telford he wants to stay in Birmingham he has completed college and has applied to join the police force in September,he has a job lined up for now and a girlfriend,my other 4 children want to stay in Telford a fresh start,I know my 4 children will do good in Telford,my 17 year old is begging me to come back to Birmingham,he doesn’t want to stay with his dad,but my other four are begging to stay in Telford,we have no family in Birmingham just the ex,the four children are not in school properly due to emotional issues due to domestic violence that’s why I no they will thrive in Telford and will be able to lead a normal life I’m so torn do I put my four children’s happiness on hold for my 17 year old,or vice versa?

He is 18 in August but yes I get what you mean

I’m not sure I will have to look into it

He is 18 in August I’m so stressed and torn

He clearly has huge issues resulting from the abuse you all went through. I'd simply respond that he must realise that you fled abuse and must keep the younger children safe. Tell him you're sorry that you weren't able to protect him during his childhood, and sorry too that the choices open to you at the time you left for Telford were limited. Tell him you're always open to talking and that you love him dearly. If you think there are solutions to his housing problem, mention them. I'd try to get extended family members involved to support him if at all possible.

As an aside, I don't think he's a good candidate for the police, quite frankly. How will he do on domestic calls?

It's 40 mins by train, three times an hour. If he has a job he can get a houseshare, though he may need a guarantor as he's under 18.

@ElleintheWoods

Yes, its a different world. Rents have risen exponentially, and affordable housing availability has declined propitiously. Landlords can and often do demand six months rent in advance, or even more.

So he's born late summer?

This means most kids on his academic year are already 18.

Yes he's right to think about himself as he's a teen however if he was born a few months earlier he would be 18 now.

Both you and him need to reach out to as many people as possible to help him get housed if he won't do the commute from Telford to Birmingham. Unless he's really unpleasant to live with there will be someone who will put him up for a few months until he can rent somewhere.

OP, have you told your son all this and made it explicitly clear to him that there is a plan, he is not being abandoned? Have you laid it out - have you made a list together of all the places and people you can contact for help? Is there room for him to live with you in Telford? Can he pick up any kind of temporary work between now and the new job to save for travel money?

Perhaps if he felt you were going to do this together then he would feel he has some foot hold in what comes next? He must feel very overwhelmed and lost right now. As do you.

Can you call Women’s Aid together? Have you thought about contacting his former college for advice?

There are people who are happy to have lodgers.

I think staying where you are is the right decision. It’s so hard for you and him.

But I think a heart to heart and acknowledging a few things will help. I can see from his POV you never left even after his dad was abusing him. You never protected him and now he’s nearly an adult you decided to protect your other children and throw his plans he had up in the air. I can completely see why he might be confused / upset and even a bit resentful.

It’s hard sometimes to see the bigger picture when you are a teenager. I think he needs a lot of support and love right now.

He will presumably have no credit score, references, guarantor…. It’s really not easy to just rent somewhere the minute you turn 18. Student accommodation, of course, is done differently as it has to be. An 18 year old who has none of the above won’t stand a chance with the private rental market the way it is now.

When I was 18 and working full time, I couldn’t even get a credit card as I had zero history or credit score.

I work with people in their 20s who have been in FT work for a few years. Even if the estate agent/landlord accepts their application, they are up against loads of other people for rentals and then there’s the deposit (usually 2 months rent). To suggest a teen with no work history/deposit/guarantor would be able to even put an application in, well it just won’t happen.

I would also look at room rentals posted up on cards in windows and shops. Sometimes people have rooms going like that. I just looked on spare room.co.uk for a room rental. It is possible to find something for much less than £100 a week including bills. Some kind of social support service or advisor could indicate what of these is genuine.

Presumably if you were abused and placed in Telford in temporary accommodation you risk losing any help by upping sticks and moving back to Birmingham. The difficulty is that your son will be 18 in August so him moving to be with you would then make temporary accommodation difficult because he is legally an adult and will be expected to contribute. I don't think either of you have a choice really (apart from DS trying to do police training in Telford, but I've no idea how that would work) other than him finding some accommodation of his own.

You need to put yourself in the shoes of your 17 year old.

I'm assuming the emotional/physical/domestic abuse went on for several years? So he's now probably wondering why did you wait until NOW to leave, rather than when he was younger? He probably feels angry that you're saving the younger four but didn't do the same for him.

That's not a reason to move back, but it is not surprising he is angry with you either.

Ok brutal truth here OP. It isn't going to feel good to keep hearing what's good for the younger children in his situation. I would stop that.

The truth is, it's what you want and what you need. And I totally understand and support that btw. You need to do this now and that is the real reason. And that is the truth I would tell him. It's the truth. Your kids will be fine where you're fine and it's time to make him hear the truth. Kids know when we're spinning a story a tad. He needs to trust you.

Do you really want him in Telford? Is he absolutely welcome and you are making this very clear to him? Saying something like this;

' I am so sorry I haven't always been what you needed. I want you to know how very much I love you and always will love you. I have found the strength to move to Telford where I have the family support and fresh start I am desperate to have. For lots of reasons, I have to be away from Birmingham to start afresh.

I would love you to be here with us. You can easily commute to Birmingham and I will support you every way I can. Please consider this possibility?

If you want to stay in Birmingham, I will do what I can to help support you accessing social housing. Can we have a phone call about this? xx

This is what he needs to hear OP. He might protest and throw it back at you but this is what he needs.

The trick is to rent a room in a house share/ become a lodger. People do it throughout their 20s and 30s, and even 40s now in the current market. Single professionals in London on good salaries aged 40+ rent a room from a mate, I know several.

Your own place is a bit of a luxury. And at 18, it's quite fun. Birmingham's a big city, there's plenty of offering, and having lived there most of his life, he will have mates he would houseshare with and similar.

Also, Telford is commutable.

I don't want to go all 'in my day' and talking about swimming through crocodile infested rivers, but in my first job in the UK aged 18, I walked 40 mins to the train station, took 2 trains (60 mins) and walked another 10 mins. That was one way of course.

2nd job was slighty better, 40 min walk, 10 min train, 30 min walk. One way.

A lot of people make a big effort to make certain jobs and situations work. There's a way for everybody to get what they want in this situation, even though there will be some discomfort involved.

I’ve just had to look up how far Telford is from Birmingham, thinking it was a good 3 hours away at least.

From what I can see it’s less than an hour away?
So I can’t see the issue at all.

He can live with you for now and commute until he finds somewhere closer.

As you’re in temporary accommodation he’ll be able to go on the council list when he’s 18 (maybe sooner) and will be quite high up the list, especially if he has a job in Birmingham.

Does he actually have a confirmed position as a trainee police officer? Cleared all the checks required, which takes months?

If so, he’ll be away on residential training for months. He won’t be in Birmingham.

I can't remember but I thought police trainees were in residential for 3 months

The universities will be breaking up soon and he may be able to rent accommodation there

He is expecting 5 people to be inconvenienced for him, but I bet in 12 months or less he will be off doing his own thing

What does his GF think about all this or is she pushing his buttons as she won't be able to see so much of him if he moves to Telford

Can you not compromise? What about Wolverhampton? That's near Brum but also only half an hour from your family in Telford.I think you need to find a compromise with your son otherwise this might affect your relationship forever.

If he's 17 is he in the middle of his A levels now?

Happened upon this thread, how is it going? Wishing you the very best