Aibu to make my 17 year old ds give up his life?

[FastMintSheep]

Abit of a long one but advice greatly appreciated,I left my husband he was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my children,I have left the city I live in (Birmingham)and moved to Telford where I have my mom dad brother,I’m in temporary accommodation,my 17yr old son has stayed back in Birmingham with my ex even though my ex was abusive to him when he was younger it’s stopped now.My son doesn’t want to move to Telford he wants to stay in Birmingham he has completed college and has applied to join the police force in September,he has a job lined up for now and a girlfriend,my other 4 children want to stay in Telford a fresh start,I know my 4 children will do good in Telford,my 17 year old is begging me to come back to Birmingham,he doesn’t want to stay with his dad,but my other four are begging to stay in Telford,we have no family in Birmingham just the ex,the four children are not in school properly due to emotional issues due to domestic violence that’s why I no they will thrive in Telford and will be able to lead a normal life I’m so torn do I put my four children’s happiness on hold for my 17 year old,or vice versa?

Can you help him with the council to get accommodation.

Is there anyone in Birmingham that would host him for a few months until he's 18 and can sign a tenancy agreement? If he's a good kid, like it sounds, and either you or him were able to pay keep, a friends parents might consider it. Or would something like the WMCA or salvation army be able to house him? (I had friends who lived there at 16 when estranged from parents, though this was 20 years ago).

It's not unreasonable for you to move away, as it's clearly what you and the younger children need but it's also not unreasonable for him to want to stay. He's done really well in sorting out his future, and it would be awful to give that up. That only leaves trying to suport him from afar.

Telford to Birmingham really isn't that far

His father ruined his childhood. You have to prioritise the 4 youngest. Tell him he has a home with you but you can’t live in Birmingham as you and the other 4 need a new start. He is almost an adult so he either stays with his father or moves to be with you.

I can see why your 17 year old feels abandoned by you and as though you are heartless towards him. You kept him in an abusive home for years and then when he has a plan to get out you leave in a way that pulls the rug out from under him. Could you not have left and stayed in Birmingham?

How long have you been in Telford now? Are the other kids actually settled or is a lot of their euphoria just about being out of an abusive home?

He doesn’t want tot stay in my ex husbands house he wants me to stay in temporary accommodation in Birmingham and not Telford,I’m on benefits at the moment so can’t do much for him at all,I do care about the impact on him but I’m thinking about what’s best for the other children aswell

Why would temporary accommodation in Birmingham not be good for your other children?

Sorry have I misunderstood? Is the ex-husband the boy’s father or just your ex-husband?

Yes staying in Birmingham is a option but my youngest 4 want to stay in Telford and I know they will have a much better way of life, I love my eldest son so much and I can see where he is coming from aswell,maybe abit of euphoria from finally getting out of this relationship

No he is my sons father

It would be ok but surely they will have a better life in Telford,with family and support out of a big city where there is knife crime etc

Yes this is what I was thinking but he is flat out refusing

@FastMintSheep

He doesn't have to give up anything.

It's 30 minutes on the train, a good, regular service.
Many young people his age are leaving home to go to uni.
I wouldn't bang on about how much better you think Telford is. You have made a decision for the whole family and it's a very easy journey for him.
If he's refusing he is making that choice.

Out of curiosity, how long does it take him to travel from home into the city centre

Speak to shelter. Speak to citizens advice.

there will be a solution where your son can stay in Birmingham but not with your ex. You just need to find what it is and reassure your son that you are doing everything you can to get him out of your ex’s house.

Stay where you are with family support he can commute if he wants it’s not like you’ve moved to the other end of the country .

Then it does seem like you think it's far more important to give your younger children everything you can at his expense rather than balance things for all of your children. If he's been in an abusive home all his life so far, he probably needs more support than average, and most kids need a decent parent at 17.

That's probably not something he can rely well if he's joining the police. He could be stationed anywhere in the force area, could be moved any time and will have to work shifts and do unplanned overtime.

Poor kid has been through a lot, none of which has been his choice. No advice but I have so much sympathy for him.

@FastMintSheep. thanks for clarifying.
I don’t think you have done the wrong thing. I understand your son does not want to uproot himself but he has siblings who are not in school and must relocate to get back into school. You also need to be close to some support with these children.

He must either move and commute or stick it out for a short period and then find a room rental in Birmingham. It is a really tough time for you. Sorry OP, I admire your courage and strength. Keep going.

I think you should consider Birmingham at least for a while. From his perspective you stayed in a relationship where his father abused him and then just as his life is on the up you leave the relationship and move to Telford for yours and your other children's benefit. Even though it may not be the case he most likely feels you care far less about him than your other children.

Thankyou

Have you approached women’s aid? They offer advice and support to women and children affected by domestic abuse, not just refuge accommodation. Perhaps they could help you to find a solution that works for your son?

Yes he has said I care for the others more then him I don’t if anything he is my first born,I just want to give them the best life I can and make up for the past

Darling, he is 18 years of age. Have times really changed this much in a decade?! When I was 18 in the 2000s, you were expected to, and wanted to leave mum and dad's house and rent your own place at that age.

Honestly I don't see any dilemma here. You move with the underaged children and he starts living his own life, as he should at 18. People are mentioning 'homeless accommodation' and 'social housing' and what not. Why?! He'll be working full-time, why can't he rent a place like everyone else?

All the kids from my family were either already living abroad or moved abroad aged 18 to study. And no, not with bank-of-mum-and-dad money, we all self-funded and struggled but that's how you actually learn to look after yourself. My exes, working-class English guys, both had jobs at 16 and left home at that age.

I'm just shellshocked that society considers a child leaving home at 18 and paying their own way unusual in 2025. In my day and age, not that long ago, it wuld have been considered very unusual for an 18-yo to want to live at their parents' house.

That’s a idea I will ask them thankyou