To think some people (me included) give off some sort of ‘I don’t matter’ vibe?

[Riverrunswild83]

I am pretty easy-going - or at least I like to come across that way - and I find that that often seems to mean people don’t think much of letting me down or treating me in ways they wouldn’t treat others possibly.

A recent example is that my best friend said she was organising a surprise for my birthday and we arranged a date for it in a few weeks time (she never told me what the surprise was). She hasn’t mentioned it since but has just said she has booked to go away the weekend we’d earmarked. I feel like it was just an easy and cost free way of dealing with my birthday with no real intent to do anything for it.

I have hundreds of examples of this over the years, I never say anything and just get on with it but it makes me feel sad. I also think maybe I’m just not worth making any effort for? I have examples from DH too - like for my 30th he just gave me £30 in a card. My proposal consisted of him saying ‘suppose we’d better go and look for a ring then.’

I pretend these things don’t matter but actually they do make me sad. I really try for other people on special occasions and generally in every day life I try not to let people down if I’ve made plans with them. I guess it just shows where I am in terms of where people value me? I don’t want / need loads of money spending on me - I’d just like some thought sometimes.

aibu to think this is how some people are treated vs those people who always seem to have loads of effort made for them?

No one gives off that sort of vibe, although it must seem that way. They just pick friends who are either selfish or not as invested in the relationship.

Society is getting more selfish and self centred, people are encouraged to constantly look at themselves, their weight, how they look. There are so many more self help books available now than 20 years ago.

Plus, after the success of friends, everyone must have a tight friendship group...just look at any advert for beer or aimed at the under 40s. The ads for direct cremations doesn't have a group of 70 year olds having a party.

Unfortunately, this friend doesn't see your friendship as important. Either accept that and live with it or move on

I have heard that we receive the treatment we accept. Something leads you to accept, basically, the minimum effort. Its not that expecting more magically transforms your friend or your dh into the kind of person who makes a fuss over you. But rather that demanding more means you don’t settle for friends or lovers who let you down. Your dh was showing you that he wouldn’t make a fuss or waste time/energy on you. And that set the tone for the marriage I think.

I think it's less a vibe and more that certain people just allow certain treatment. You don't have to create a scene (though some would) but even a subtly sarcastic "gee, thanks" or "how romantic" can make someone stop and think because you've reacted slightly negatively to their actions.

Your friends and partners learn over time what they can get away with. Some people 'train' them to do more by openly talking about their expectations, subtle (or not subtle) reactions to unwanted presents and often by dropping them when they don't meet them.

What’s wrong with booking a weekend away for your birthday? That would say to me that she thinks you do matter, most people aren’t going to want to spend a weekend away with someone they don’t like!

She’s not booked it for me! We arranged a date for this surprise and she’s messaged today saying she’s going away with her work friends that weekend.
She hasn’t mentioned my birthday surprise. The message was along the lines of ‘so excited, booked to go away with X the last weekend in June!’

So I assume that my surprise isn’t happening and won’t be rearranged. I suppose I could say something but it makes me feel awkward and needy so I won’t.

OMG say something-no wonder people walk all over you -reply - I’m so disappointed -I especially kept the weekend free for my birthday surprise!

Book in with a life coach - you need to change things

People treat you this way because you're not standing up for yourself. You don't have to do it in a needy way. Forward the msg where she states the date for your surprise and stick a ? on it. Getting people to account for their poor treatment of you is a big step towards healing your self esteem

Did you not even say ‘I thought you had a surprise planned for my birthday that weekend, Cheryl?’

That would be a very usual response..

Why do you pretend these things don't matter? I don't understand. Tell people you're upset!

This hits the nail on the head. Dead On!

I think this is where it may have all gone wrong for me...

If you let people walk all over you they will treat you like a doormat.

OP. I have a friend like you. Absolutely never brings up things she is upset about. So people presume she is not upset. Honestly, it's so infuriating. I know her well enough now to predict when she might be upset but I have to basically force her to tell me. Its a lot of bother and I can see why others just chose not to think that deeply about it when I comes to her.

You are denying other people a chance to show up for you. Send your friend a message saying 'Oh I thought that was the weekend you asked me to keep free for my birthday surprise, did I get the date wrong?'

I have a friend who is exactly the same. All
over me like a rash when she wants something but never invited me on nights out and went to a concert instead of a planned weekend away with me. I realised that my role in her life was very small Compared to what I wanted from her. The way forward is to be your own best friend / lover. Go and have a fabulous day out on your birthday and buy yourself something lovely as well. Learn to create and sit in your own joy x

I cannot for the life of me understand why you didn't say "Oh. I thought you were booking something for my birthday that weekend".

YABVU to accept someone letting you down like that, and just accepting it when clearly it has upset you.
As is often said on here, 'You need to use your words'.

Op I agree with previous posters, it’s not exactly a vibe- it’s more that some people will test the water and if they find they can get away with giving their partner /friend / family the bare minimum with no pushback they will.

You will need to assert yourself more and distance yourself from certain people if they don’t change.

I had a childhood friend who would always say how she was going to “treat” me to a dinner. Since I paid for her (and her kids) multiple times before, as well as lent her money on various occasions, bought regular birthday presents for her kids and for her milestone birthday etc

Each time we went for dinner or coffee after her promising that, she’d mysteriously have a problem with her card or just look at me expecting to pay etc.

She’d promise other things too that she clearly didn’t carry out. I read somewhere that some people like the instant gratification they receive from saying they are going to do a nice or good thing.

I basically stopped reacting when she would offer to do anything and then one year for the first time in our 25 year friendship she followed through on getting me a birthday present.

It was too little too late though, because of that and other things I eventually let the friendship die. I take responsibility for my part in letting her get away with it for so many years though. But when you know better you do better.

When I was dating it was a trait I noticed with some men as well, they are all words with no action. I’d suss them out quickly and cut them loose.

I'm one of these people too. Feel I'm very easy going and genuine , yet I come across people who don't seem to care or controlling or people trying to make me look bad while they making others think the sun shines out their butt holes. I've read that genuine people attract manipulative controlling people like a magnetic. Because we are soft and easy and less likely to say anything or speak up. Or because you are so easy going they might think oh well she's not going to mind any way it will be alright.

I remember a saying I heard years ago that "people will take you at your own estimation". I wish I could say that I acted on it though.

So I assume that my surprise isn’t happening and won’t be rearranged. I suppose I could say something but it makes me feel awkward and needy so I won’t

You really need to speak up for yourself, Op. How is it awkward or needy to clarify plans? That’s ridiculous.

You can even just bring it up in a relaxed way and sound as if you’re not bothered if you like. But you have to say something!

And if she does admit to having cancelled your trip without telling you, I’d tell her that’s super inconsiderate and ask why did she not keep you on the loop and why is she cancelling?

People like that rely on silence and misplaced “politeness”. They think you don’t have the confidence to be direct - so prove them wrong.

I suspect that I have sometimes been guilty of treating people that seem laid back differently to those that respond in a more obvious way when they're upset. Some of us aren't great and picking up the more subtle signs of a person's displeasure even if there's no malice intended.

The solution to that is to speak up for yourself and/or distance yourself from these people where possible.

I used to feel a bit sorry for myself about how certain people treated me, then I gave myself a shake and made sure I didn’t tolerate poor behaviour. I can’t make people treat me well, but I can speak up for myself or end relationships etc

Genuine doesn’t have to mean you’re a doormat.

I think it can be a thing. I had a friend tell me she’d chosen a bridesmaid (rather than me) because of how annoyed and upset her friend would be. As though it wouldn’t upset me at all. But I also think people can be incredibly selfish and you shouldn’t blame yourself for your friend’s selfish behaviour. I know I have an issue with not expressing how much things upset me with friends but I also slightly resent selfish people using the excuse that you didn’t pull them up on their behaviour so it’s ok.

Being easy going but then keeping your upset inside isn’t actually a virtue. It hurts you and it also means that you aren’t being honest with your friends and family. I expect there’s a good reason from your earlier life that you’re afraid to speak up for what you want or don’t want, but it’s not too late to change.

Having said that sometimes people are so crass it doesn’t even seem worthwhile saying anything. A close friend of 10 years standing explained that she couldn’t come to my birthday because she had arranged a dinner party with many of our other friends for that evening. I mean - what a weird way to behave. I just made the decision to be less close with her after that.

Yes but since I turned 30 something switched and I won’t think twice about calling people out.

I think you need to cut this people out. I had a friend who demanded my address when I moved and said they were coming down on Saturday x June 2021 or whatever and sent me restaurants to pick from I did and booked somewhere and told her and texted her. The week before I texted to confirm the date and time etc and no reply. I rang no reply and left a voice mail. The day before I phoned and messaged again and then she posted on FB fab weekend with friend x in London. I defriended her on the same day.

Don’t let people do this. She was gone and in 4 years I heard from her - she phoned me and was wanting my help and advice about a work situation and I was like - just no. Just that no.