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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not setting appropriate boundaries

37 replies

Tapp · 01/06/2025 14:53

My boyfriend (43) told me (37) that when he was at a christening a friend of his friend offered him a blowjob and he turned her down. We’ve been having issues around boundaries and I felt very triggered. I said is he still in touch with this woman and asked if he’s ever at a social gathering where she is to avoid her as best he can. He says I’m being insecure and he should be allowed to be friendly. I said that a woman who offers sexual favours at a CHRISTENING is walking red flag and that it would be humiliating to me if he didn’t show her that he was honouring his relationship by keeping his distance from her. I don’t understand why men use this “I’m being friendly, I don’t want to hurt her feelings” language when they’re so happy to hurt their partners feelings.

He did cheat on me last year (I know everyone will say this is a dealbreaker) but I’m asking even aside from him cheating, would you have a problem with him being so friendly with this woman. No one offers that out of the blue, surely there was a prior flirtation.

OP posts:
Amanitacae · 01/06/2025 14:54

It's you who needs boundaries OP. He sounds awful. You can do so much better.

99sjm99 · 01/06/2025 14:55

You need to set appropriate boundaries and get rid of this idiot.

Mudflaps · 01/06/2025 14:56

FFS who actually believes this happened? He's bullshitting so just get rid.

Swiftie1878 · 01/06/2025 14:57

Forget his boundaries.
It’s yours you need to be worrying about.

Meadowfinch · 01/06/2025 15:00

You are the one who needs to set appropriate boundaries... by dumping him.

He's a creep, a player, and will carry on behaving like one. Don't waste your time. Go and find someone kind and decent.

outerspacepotato · 01/06/2025 15:00

You're being unreasonable. You know he cheats. He just told you offering blow jobs is fine among friends. Why fuss over it if you're going to stay with him anyway?

He's kind of got a point. If you're not down with his cheating, leave.

GingerPaste · 01/06/2025 15:01

Sorry, but agree with those saying you need to look at your own boundaries and self-esteem (and get rid of the trash)!

Jabberwok · 01/06/2025 15:03

A. Why the fuck has he told you this, surely there are some things you just don't need to know
B. Once she's made the offer and he's said no, why isn't he keeping well away to save both of them embarrassment anyway
C. Why isn't he keeping away because quite frankly, she's a skank.
D. Why are you putting up with this shit. You CAN do better

pictoosh · 01/06/2025 15:06

Agree with others, your boundaries are blurred.

Why would he even tell you such a thing? Did he expect brownie points for turning her down?
Did it even happen?

Think you need to take a step back and really look at your relationship.
Good luck with it. xx

NotaCoolMum · 01/06/2025 15:12

YABU by staying with this waste of time and space “man”

DoYouReally · 01/06/2025 15:25

He's a sorry shit of a man.
All of your efforts to change that will fail.
You will get hurt more and more as you try.
Get away from him.
You deserve better.
It isn't anymore complicated than that.

toomuchfaff · 01/06/2025 15:27

You realise thats bullshit right?

He's telling you a bullshit made up story to send you spiralling into unreasonable behaviour so he can then claim youre too sensitive, youre not rights in the head, youre making accusations blah blah blah blah.....

What an absolute shitter of a man. Run far away and fast.

legoplaybook · 01/06/2025 15:29

He's probably telling you this 'but nothing happened' story, so that when someone tells you that he was too close to this other woman at the christening you will think he's already told you about it.

WayneEyre · 01/06/2025 15:34

I don't know which is R and UR for the options. I've said you're unreasonable because I think you deserve more.

You need to set the boundary for yourself. He's shown what his are. They encompass not only maintaining friendships where sex is on offer, but actually cheating. Might I add this was at a baby's christening. Not some bacchanal with a mortified apology afterwards. And he is prioritising the woman's feelings anyway.

What would you tell a friend or one of us on here if we reported to you that this was happening in a relationship?

I would suggest you walk away. I also would repeat that you deserve better. You have him one chance.

WayneEyre · 01/06/2025 15:35

Gave*

PullTheBricksDown · 01/06/2025 15:38

What everyone else has said. It's a made up story to either mess with your head, or excuse his own sleazy behaviour when you get to hear about it, or both. Ditch him and don't waste any more head space on him.

TwistedWonder · 01/06/2025 15:38

Agree with others, it’s you who needs boundaries and to raise your bar out of the gutter

He’s a lying cheat who brags yo you about other women offering him sexual favours, twists it into it being a ‘you’ issue and basically doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.

Let this one go and find your self respect

WayneEyre · 01/06/2025 15:43

Also to add, is this this the kind of conversation, way of life, associations and relationship you wish for and have aspirations to?

'how was the christening? lovely to catch up with everyone, glorious spring weather, the baby must've been adorable in his gown etc?'

'Angela offered me a blowjob behind the font'.

'Charming'.

Shoxfordian · 01/06/2025 15:46

Why are you wasting your time op?

Holly485 · 01/06/2025 15:46

He sounds awful. Why is he telling you about the supposed offer? Is it to show what a great guy he is because he turned it down? What a loser. You need better boundaries OP, why are with someone so vile?

Jc2001 · 01/06/2025 15:50

Why the fuck has he told you this, surely there are some things you just don't need to know

So (in his mind) when he drops the bomb that he actually did cheat for the second time, he's somehow softened the blow

INeedAnotherName · 01/06/2025 15:50

You need to be asking yourself why he told you this.

Then you need to be questioning your own boundaries. Not his.

Reidwood · 01/06/2025 15:55

He s playing you ! Tell him you to were askd on night out…..he thinks you need him…stand up to him….!

Cordroy · 01/06/2025 15:58

Jesus Christ on a bike!

I’ve just read the first sentence and it sounds like something Vicky Pollard would offer!

TomatoSandwiches · 01/06/2025 15:59

This "man" is a piece of shit op, clean your boots and leave him.