Leaving DH, anyone had any regrets?

[LONELYLEOPARD]

Has anyone had regrets after ending their marriage?

We have 2 young DC, and I have a young DSC (DH’s DC). Life for them is about to fall apart and I am really worried about whether or not I’m making the right call.

DH isn’t nice, abusive narc describes him well.

Anyone left and come to regret it?

Not a moment. I gained a wonderful sense of space. It was my decision to do it and one I agonised about for ages, mainly because of DC. Sometimes it helps to write a list on your phone of all the issues and look back at it if you need reminding! Strength to you - the process is not easy but sounds like it may be worth it for you once you get the other side.

Nope. My life improved immeasurably in every aspect when I left my DH. I'm happier, healthier, richer, my relationship with my DD (who is now 14) is really close.

Leaving an abusive, narc partner is a no brainer. You're giving your children a gift and breaking a cycle of abuse which would poison their lives.

That doesn't mean it won't be difficult for them. There will be a period of adjustment. It may take them months or years to properly make peace with it. But you're sparing them decades of trauma and hurt and showing them what it is to live a happy life. Be ready for some difficult times, but don't lose your nerve. You know you're doing the right thing.

The lives of you and the DC aren’t about to fall apart, I expect it’s the exact opposite.
You'll all thrive without the asshole in your home.

I’m really worried he will get 50/50 of the kids, I don’t believe in it. Kids need a main home, IMO.

I am also worried he will get half of finances despite me having paid for everything.

That’s what is making me wobble. If I could choose for him to cease existing and disappear, it would be a no brainer.

Why don't you have a chat with a legal adviser, if you can stretch to the fee. I think it would be worth it, as then you would know more or less how the financial split/access/child maintenance would work.

Get all the information you can before making your decision, it's a good start, although I wouldn't stay if it's not exactly what you want either. There are more pressing things, especially what will make YOU happy, finances aside.

I get that feeling and share your view. I would suggest not saying anything at this stage. These things will work themselves out and a lot can happen and change in the meantime. If you know you shouldn’t be living with this man maybe try to leave worries about access as a secondary issue for now. Logistics of work, money and geography will play a part.

Years ago I was married for a brief time to a narc and had my first child with him. He had very little involvement with his child …until I left him. At that point he became the great hero who wanted to go back and forth to court over 50-50. It was a way of continuing his bullying tbh. In retrospect, I should either have moved miles away straight away, or made it clear that I expected him to do half the care in which case he’d have run for the hills. In the end DS did spend much more time at mine as his main home and saw his dad regularly. For now maybe hold your cards close to your chest. It’s probably best you don’t share you views about ‘one main home’, so that it is not used as a bargaining chip to bully you.

Not for a second. I've been able to give my ds a secure, happy home life, without any of the nastiness. Life is relaxed and cheerful, and he is a confident, chilled out young man. 😊

Even if he does get half the finances, you'll still be better off without him in your home. Think of having a peaceful happy home, that's got to be better for your children. Do you think it's likely that he'll want 50/50 custody? You can always suggest EOW and one night in the week as a starting point. As the children get older they may want to spend more time with him and while I know that feels terrible now, in time you will fill that space with hobbies, exercise & seeing friends and will probably come to appreciate that time for yourself. I really wouldn't stay with someone horrible for the sake of the children. They would be growing up with an unhappy mum and that's never good for them.

I've never met anyone who regretted leaving their abuser. Sad that they had to. Worry about the impact on their DC. Challenged by the struggles of having to rebuild their lives. But never any regret for freeing themselves from the daily misery of living with someone who treated them badly.

Go get legal advice. Get copies of all paperwork now and then stash it outside of the house at a friend's or family members that is trustworthy.
Courts do care if parents can coparent amicably, if there is high conflict and issues in my experience that was taken into account. I would also gather evidence if you can of who the main carer is, so school, nursery, clubs, doctors, etc. Anything at all. They do like the status quo to remain the same so if yiu are the main carer that works jn your benefit.

My personal experience is I have not doubted it once. I'm just over a year since leaving and the kids and myself are much better off in every way possible. My ex could to be described jn the same way you described your husband.

However, post separation abuse is something I wish I had known more about. As you break free they try to get control back which can be difficult. So legal advice will help you get your ducks in a row. Don't tell him anything until you plan is fully in place as much as possible, including applying to Universal Credit, etc, if applicable. Then have a bag of everything you need at a family members with the kids passports, birth certificates and other special things you would never want to lose. Hopefully to never use but just as back up.

I don't regret it, my ex is still difficult. I am the primary carer under court order as it was shown clearly in court that he was not a good option for 50/50. I would also highly suggest going straight to a coparenting app to communicate on. I use Our Family Wizard and everything on there can be used in court. It makes it all more manageable.

Wishing you all of the luck in the world. I've never regretted it, but I think PP suggestion of writing a list to look back on is hugely beneficial in those times where you worry you haven't done the right thing for the kids... even though I really did. We are so close they are so much happier.

Even if it meant losing everything, every single possession - that is much more preferable to spending another day, week, month, year with an abusive narc.

Possessions can be replaced.

Time cannot. Protect your peace.

I lost EVERYTHING when I walked away from my marriage, with twin babies in arms.
However, I have never regretted the decision.

Never regretted leaving my ex-H. Not then and not now. My life has been immeasurably better since I divorced him.
50/50 isn’t that bad, and kids are resilient. We get on fine and coparent well. He’s not a narc though.
I understand how you’re feeling. I was really conflicted leaving my last relationship with someone who meant more to me than my ex-H ever did. However time does help and being with someone who puts in no effort and didn’t actually care about me was never going to be a good use of my time. I’m so much calmer now I don’t have to walk on eggshells all the time and deal with his moods.
It’ll be difficult at times but you’ll get through it. You’re doing the right thing.

I have no evidence of his behaviour towards the children…I have been the main carer but I’m not sure how I prove all of that?

I am worried about DSC too, to go through another fragmentation of family

I do not at all regret leaving my XH, despite the fact it meant being a single mum to five. He said he'd 'take the kids' but couldn't even be bothered to see them more than once a year (and he never paid a penny towards them either). Despite how dreadful it was at times financially, I no longer had to deal with a man who thought going to work was all the contribution to the house that he ever had to make and life was a lot more peaceful after he'd gone.

Did he have 50/50 of his older child before you came in the scene? Does he have 50/50 now?

Make sure you have DSC parent’s contact details so you can arrange contact between them.

@oldbeforemytime
DSC was a baby when we got together…he told me they’d split during pregnancy but I’m pretty sure there’s overlap now. The lies are huge part of why I want out.

So, muggins here ended up supporting him through court and footing the bill for it as, unknown to me, he was in masses of debt (that came out after we were married and I was pregnant).

He sees DSC EOW and half of the holidays as their mum moved an hour away when DSC was a baby.

However, that does mean I’ve seen him go through this before and he’s like a dog with a bone. He’s been really overly nicey nicey with the kids since all of this has happened.

Prove main carer- medical appts, contact at doctors, nursery, who signs forms/accidents at nursery, who organises payments, dentist, health workers communication, hospital visits can ask for records and they usually say mum attended with child. Party organisation proof you booked it, playdates statemebts from parents. If it gets to the point of cafcass being involved they will contact school/nursery, you can ask them to ask who is the main person they contact. It is really hard. My ex wrote a list of jobs he did for the kids, fictional it was literally a list for what I did... but judge took it.

Spot on. From the point you’ve decided, don’t share your plans with him and definitely get all paperwork etc. I managed to maintain some control of my life when I was in this situation (with a baby) by planning and thinking much more carefully than my ex and always being several steps ahead in my thinking and the advice I had had from a good lawyer. Interestingly, like you, my ex had split with his former partner when when she was pregnant. I wouid also say get the best lawyer you can. I went through two when I was trying to economise, before finding a great one who got the measure of him.

I have told him that I want us to split, and that I will be seeking legal advice as well as advice from a child counsellor we have spoken to before about how to tell DC, etc.

He knows I have bank statements as they arrived when I was out. I think he tried to open it but daren’t as I was around, I have stashed them now.

With regards to medical appointments, he attended one recently and one set of injections when DC was a baby but that’s it. I can prove everything else, it’s more that he believes he does everything around the house when, in reality, he cooks sometimes but it’s when I’m doing the washing, bathing, etc and it’s the lesser of two evils.

Obviously, now we’re splitting, he’s been dad of the year which is annoying.

I am worried as he does more school drop offs due to my hours but he normally takes them to breakfast club which I could do too.

Kindly, stop telling him your plans moving forward. Yellow rock- Google it. Give as little info as possible.
Wishing you and the kids luck. Great advice by @ocelot3, you have to be at least one step ahead.

I just feel sick with it all, including finances.

i have contributed so much and him so little. I’ve set him up for life if he’s awarded 50/50…paid all his debts, precious court fees, etc.

Im so worried

I completely understand. I look to lose a fair amount and I am gutted that I wasn't more clever to all of this. However... i just remjnd myself, the money is worth getting rid of him for mine and my kid's sake. Not easy, but at least I don't have to deal with ex every day and run ny own life now. Bitter pill to swallow.