Leaving DH, anyone had any regrets?

[LONELYLEOPARD]

Has anyone had regrets after ending their marriage?

We have 2 young DC, and I have a young DSC (DH’s DC). Life for them is about to fall apart and I am really worried about whether or not I’m making the right call.

DH isn’t nice, abusive narc describes him well.

Anyone left and come to regret it?

Huge wobble today, missing the person I thought he was along with the worry of losing everything. Including my DC.

So full of regret at the moment. Trying not to feel sorry for myself.

Missing the person you thought he was….the truth is that he isn’t the person you thought he was.
To quote a counsellor “you can always get more money”: don’t worry about the stuff.

Get that list going OP with all the reasons you are unhappy in the relationship! It helps enormously in refinding your strength and independence. If you ponder on what has been lost it won’t help - for me much of what I ‘lost’ was something I’d convinced myself I’d found but never really had, in truth, as he wasn’t the man he’d made himself out to be. Your decisions were right at the time for whatever reason and so many of us have been there - but if you can, try to fix your mind now on going forward - what you do have personally and what your future plans might be. Such partners are good at sensing when you are weaker and therefore being charming and trying to muddle your mind, so during these moments of regret it’s best not to open yourself up to him and do any confiding. He will only use it against you later. The DC will benefit from having a strong happy parent who can live freely; it may just take some time to get your mind clear.

The thought of him moving on and being with someone else makes my heart ache. I know I won’t move on, I cannot imagine being intimate with anyone else and kids have ruined my body.

That said, I just can’t trust anymore there have been too many lies throughout our relationship.

It can be a good time to really value your self, and some good women friends and leave men for a bit! Other relationships will come in time, really, if you choose them and that can be exciting too - but not for a while! But it can be good to breathe, regroup and find strength elsewhere - not necessarily from a partner. It can be surprising how supportive other women can be in these circumstances. 🙂

My friends have been amazing so far, my family don’t know yet as I want to be really sure first.

I just miss him, the him in thought he was.

I think my ex wife regretted that I had left, especially after her subsequent partner left, leaving her with a baby.

Neighbours reported her beating him up in the street, and she wrecked her divorce settlement with me after she declared no intention to remarry or cohabit and moved Mr Punchbag in 4 days later so I suggest that her self awareness was lacking

This is really normal. To miss the person you created in your own head with all of his positive qualities and potential.

What helped me when I felt like this was to remind myself of how he actually behaved. And how he never cared how his behaviour made me feel.
Some space and time helped me see the massive red flags I’d ignored or minimised. He was never the person I thought he was.
Give yourself time, you won’t always feel like this.

He's a horrible narcissist. He trashed his relationship with your DSC's mum and used you to fix up the resultant chaos. He was a monstrous father going off with you when that child was a baby. I get that you didn't know that it was probably an affair. You definitely should get rid. Perhaps he will snag another woman to support him through court and pay the bill this time.

This is what you really need to understand: who you think he was - actually is a fake person that doesn't exist. He's shown who he is now and he won't be going back to the fake person he was when snagging you. That'll be saved up for his next victim, who he will likely tell that the 2 mothers of his kids are both "mental".

You do need to get rid.

I don't know how this type of man manages it.

I have a friend, she had a baby with her DH. He was abusive and horrible. She left him and he made everyone think that my friend was "mental". He was so good at it that a couple of mutual friends thought he was really nice and that my friend was indeed mental and they cut contact down with her but continued to see him.

He then got with a succession of women, one of whom had 2 children. She was a nice woman who treated my friend's child very well. My friend was upset when that woman left her ex, because the woman was nice to her child and provided a bit of stability.

Anyway. Twat is in jail for hitting a (different) woman now - heard by neighbours. But he had everyone fooled for more than a decade.

He never was that person. He put on an act when you first met and you helped him with his debts and his divorce from his first wife. He is now putting on an act again because he knows you have seen through him and that he is not a good husband, person or father.

If you back down now, he will immediately stop the 'nice guy' act and revert to the behaviour that made you want to leave in the first place.

I am seriously considering looking into how to prosecute for coercive control...our whole marriage has been based on lies to manipulate me into doing what he wants. He is emotionally abusive.

I have contacted DSC mum today, there was overlap...I am furious. He doesn't know I have contacted her and I am keeping it that way for now.

I really want his actions to be recognised, I do not want this to put down to marital fall out, it is so much more than that.

So a couple of years ago he was so utterly awesome you picked him to have a family with.

Now he's an Abusive Narc....

You honestly didn't notice the abuse until the children turned up?

He literally flipped as soon as I went into labour...this coincided with court over DSC concluded so he no longer had an 'enemy' to focus on.

I carried my own bag to the labour ward, he disappeared for 9 hours, came back with a hot water bottle claiming to feel unwell. After that, I was expected to sleep on the sofa so as not to wake him, I was shouted at for DC waking DSC, and his mum sent me long ranting emails saying I was mentally unwell when I said I was concerned about DH...his mum then told me the reason he didn't help with DC in anyway was because he was scared he would shake them.

It's been all downhill from there.