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AIBU?

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Original poster

Only single friend in group - increasingly pissed off with comments

31 replies

JessCil · 01/06/2025 12:07

I regularly socialise with a group of about 6/7 friends - all have partners aside from me. This doesn’t bother me, most of us have been single at different times and my most recent relationship ended amicably about 1.5 years ago.

However, I am struggling a bit with the dynamic and it’s usually when we are out socialising as a group with my friends’ partners also there.

It is a couple of them in particular and it is like they are taking pity on me because I’m single. I feel like the ‘jokes’ have increasingly crossed the line.

We always do a secret santa and one of them got me a vibrator last year (opened in front of the group, I laughed it off but was hurt).

Last night, one of them overheard my conversation with a friend about how I’ve felt a bit down in recent weeks (work issues mainly). They chipped in and said I should get on the apps and a night with a ‘well endowed’ man would cheer me up.

I just find it tiring now, I don’t want to pull away from seeing my friends but it’s getting to the point where I may be better off not socialising when partners are there?

OP posts:
GetOffTheCounter · 01/06/2025 12:09

They sound immature and ghastly.

I'd see them on your terms only and perhaps seek to widen your circle.

Readytohealnow · 01/06/2025 12:09

The vibrator thing is crossing all acceptable boundaries and is really disrespectful. I would find new friends, via a hobby or mutual interest.

FWIW I was the single one for years. Met my lovely man mid 30s, him almost 40 and we are now the strong couple with many of the ‘smug settlers’ splitting up.

TheDeepQuail · 01/06/2025 12:10

They won’t be so smug if they get dumped 😂 This says more about them than it does about you, honestly. If you’re happy then that’s all that matters.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 01/06/2025 12:10

Ergh YANBU, why do some women join in with the old misogynistic idea that any problems women have can be solved with a shag.

IgneousSedimentary · 01/06/2025 12:11

I know you don’t want to pull away from your friends, but, bluntly, they sound like idiots. I have a mix of single and non-single friends and I can honestly say it has never for a moment occurred to me that a relationship was the solution to the single friends’ problems, unless they wanted one and were unhappy they weren’t in one. And that vibrator Secret Santa was cruel.

LogicalBlodge · 01/06/2025 12:11

I get tired of the when are you getting on the apps question too.

Just ignore it.

Also go out to some speed dating nights and singles nights (speed dating is fun).

And join some activities where you aren't hanging out with couples only.

ASimpleLampoon · 01/06/2025 12:31

Your friends partners seem less appealing than a vibrator.

I'd say jealousy \insecurity is the root. Friends are probably envious of your life since they have to live with dickheads. Partners insecure because they know you're happier and their wives might cop on to this and chuck the dick heads in the bin

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/06/2025 12:48

JessCil · 01/06/2025 12:07

I regularly socialise with a group of about 6/7 friends - all have partners aside from me. This doesn’t bother me, most of us have been single at different times and my most recent relationship ended amicably about 1.5 years ago.

However, I am struggling a bit with the dynamic and it’s usually when we are out socialising as a group with my friends’ partners also there.

It is a couple of them in particular and it is like they are taking pity on me because I’m single. I feel like the ‘jokes’ have increasingly crossed the line.

We always do a secret santa and one of them got me a vibrator last year (opened in front of the group, I laughed it off but was hurt).

Last night, one of them overheard my conversation with a friend about how I’ve felt a bit down in recent weeks (work issues mainly). They chipped in and said I should get on the apps and a night with a ‘well endowed’ man would cheer me up.

I just find it tiring now, I don’t want to pull away from seeing my friends but it’s getting to the point where I may be better off not socialising when partners are there?

Can't you just tell them to cut it out?

It may be because I'm male and we're just a bit blunter but in a similar situation with my friend group I'd just say, "Mate, give it a rest, it's honestly starting to piss me off now" and that would be the end of it.

Original poster
JessCil · 01/06/2025 12:49

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/06/2025 12:48

Can't you just tell them to cut it out?

It may be because I'm male and we're just a bit blunter but in a similar situation with my friend group I'd just say, "Mate, give it a rest, it's honestly starting to piss me off now" and that would be the end of it.

Show quote history

I have tried, my friends mainly pass it off as drunken banter and say they are all looking out for me!

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/06/2025 12:52

JessCil · 01/06/2025 12:49

I have tried, my friends mainly pass it off as drunken banter and say they are all looking out for me!

Show quote history

Then I'd be spending less time with them. I'm not interested in hanging out with people who know they're upsetting me and keep doing it.

And when they asked why I wasn't coming out, I'd tell them the reason.

Sarah2891 · 01/06/2025 12:52

How old are you all? Their comments sound immature.
I'd keep letting them know you don't like those types of responses.

Original poster
JessCil · 01/06/2025 12:53

Sarah2891 · 01/06/2025 12:52

How old are you all? Their comments sound immature.
I'd keep letting them know you don't like those types of responses.

We are all in our 30’s.

OP posts:
IPM · 01/06/2025 12:53

Why are they so obsessed with sex?

I was going to suggest just socialising with your friends when they don't bring their partners, but I doubt that'd make them any less creepy.

Canarybutterdaisy · 01/06/2025 12:59

Is it your friends doing it, or their partners when you are all out? They sound utterly grim.

Psychoticbreak · 01/06/2025 13:02

Yawn and ask them to find new material.

Original poster
JessCil · 01/06/2025 13:03

Canarybutterdaisy · 01/06/2025 12:59

Is it your friends doing it, or their partners when you are all out? They sound utterly grim.

The partners who make comments to me, but my friends don’t help with the narrative.

Example from last night, my friend said whilst in the toilets with me and another friend something along the lines of ‘I can’t wait to have a shag tonight’ then gasped/turned to me to apologise as if she should not have said it in my presence 🙄

OP posts:
4Tornot4T · 01/06/2025 13:04

Could you speak to them individually and explain you're happy as you are and you find the constant comments upsetting and immature? It might be easier to get the message through in a 1:1 setting. When they do give you advice about using apps etc just reiterate that you're happy as you are but if you do need advice on finding someone you'll ask but until then can they cut the advice/jokes/quips out.

YourOnMute · 01/06/2025 13:10

I had a group of friends like this. All coupled up..we (the women) went out one night and I was asked how long it was since I had sex. It was five years, since my marriage broke up.
This was utterly hilarious and they all laughed and joked about it all night long. The same women prided themselves on being feminists.
I was very very hurt.
I also got lots of comments how I could "never do anything" because I was solo parenting two young children and just couldn't cheerily tell my hubby I was off out.
Something then happened that completely opened my eyes to the fact that these women were not very nice and it was their own jealousy/issues that were behind it.
I'd distance myself from these friends. And I'm sorry. It does hurt.

ThatNimblePeer · 01/06/2025 13:13

I’ve only really had one friend who consistently tried to make me feel bad about being single and, surprise surprise, eventually turned out she was miserable in her relationship and they ended up splitting up. IMO people in happy relationships don’t behave like this, it’s the ones feeling insecure who need to try and reassure themselves that it’s better to be even in a miserable relationship than to be single (since that validates their choice to stay).

Not unrelatedly, it sounds as if their male partners are immature and find it a turn on to fantasise that all single women are wildly sexually frustrated and craving their dicks. Giving a vibrator as a present to a woman who isn’t your partner is just plain weird. If I was his girlfriend I’d be dumping him for that.

assertiveplant · 01/06/2025 13:21

They sound pathetic, and not really deserving of being called "friends".

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 01/06/2025 13:21

I’m not surprised you’re fed up with their stupid comments. How immature of them to be so vulgar. I’ve been single a long time and had the vibrator present too. I wasn’t impressed. It went straight in the bin. When I was asked how ‘my new toy was’ I told them it’d gone in the bin. I also got fed up of people who thought my dating stories were the evening’s entertainment.

I’d try going out with the group when it’s women only. If the tone still doesn’t change I’d stop going out with them completely. Is there anyone in the group you can talk to about how you feel?

Lao2471 · 01/06/2025 13:24

A very similar thing happened to me 5 years ago. I got a speed dating session as a secret santa gift and the friend thought it was utterly hilarious. It honestly felt like it was done to humiliate me.

They didn’t know that at the time I’d just started dating someone. He is now my DH and we have a baby on the way, but it still hurt at the time.

I honestly think it was the start of the end for that particular friendship and just their reaction told me everything I needed to know. There’s certainly significant distance between us and even now, whenever we are in the same setting, it feels like a competition as they had the family etc first and like we’re inferior because we did it later.

Those people tend not to change and I’m very glad to have distanced myself. I’d definitely recommend doing the same if you can!

DoYouReally · 01/06/2025 13:29

They sound ridiculous immature and seem to think that having a man in their life is some sort of achievement 🙄

Everyone could be coupled up if they didn't have standards!!! Singleton is usually a case of having no met someone that's good enough for you. No more, no less.

I had a period in my mid 30s were everyone thought I was being "too fussy" as I went on lots of dates but didn't want anything more long term with anyone of them. I was just waiting for someone decent and not will to put up with crap. It look til 37 but worth the wait.

Get better friends - these ones sound fairly rubbish.

Cardinalita90 · 01/06/2025 13:30

Could you maybe suggest a brunch or something where it's just your friends, and maybe bring it up? I'm sure someone can help with better wording but just a low key "guys I'm not sure if you realise but there's been a few comments lately on nights out with secret santa that have been making me uncomfortable. I'm single, not a leper, and I'd really appreciate if if we could just focus on having a good time from now on and not on that".

hopefully they're mortified and it can be laid to bed.

thedancingclown · 01/06/2025 13:33

the comments are pathetic & immature but sometimes fighting fire with fire works. I would likely use the following responses (and yes I might need new friends)

night on the apps - ‘sorry pal, just a freak show on there, not interested. Not fit for purpose and I have standards.’
‘grow up petal’ is another reply I use to get them to wind it in.

Regift the vibrator to his partner saying just in case he is not performing to standard.