To think that very few people experience deep, true romantic love and that some people go through life never having truly been in love?

[BeDeepKhakiRobin]

I sometimes wonder if real, deep romantic love is actually quite rare. A lot of people are in relationships because of convenience, compatibility or even just fear of being alone rather than because they are truly, deeply in love. I think many people mistake affection, attraction or attachment for love but real love - the kind that changes you, consumes you and feels almost transcendent - is something only a few people ever experience.

And then there are those who might never experience it at all. Not because there’s anything wrong with them but just because the right circumstances or person never came along.

AIBU to think that love, at least in its deepest form, is much rarer than people like to admit?

I'm not sure how anyone would know. Everyone has experienced a version of love (probably), but how can I tell whether mine is deeper or less deep than yours?

I think if you have a series of relationships, then find "the one" and fall deeply in love, there's a relativity, but even then you probably wouldn't truly know until years or more into the relationship.

Well, what exactly do you mean by ‘real, deep romantic love’? Why would it be any ‘realer’ than the other types of love and attachment you seem to be regarding as inferior? Where are you getting your information on this ‘real, deep, romantic love’ from?

Love, in its deepest form, is totally irrational. People don't like being irrational. To be fair, it's not really a plan. Mostly, folks want a reasonably stable life based on informed choices and shared goals.

That said, proposed to my husband on our first date, booked the wedding eight weeks later, married for 35 years, we're happy. We were very young.

I'm not sure that "the kind that changes you, consumes you and feels almost transcendent" is sustainable or healthy. That sounds like the in love/infatuation stage when you are both still only seeing the best in each other.

I think you’ve been reading too many romance novels

all the people I know who have declared themselves to be loving a love that had never been loved before the relationship has ended and/or one or both of them have ended up cheating

my grandparents held hands when they went for a walk together every day until the day my grandma died. My grandpa never looked at another woman, when she was alive or dead. My parents adore each other - my dad is wheelchair bound and has dementia and my
mother lovingly cares for him every day. That is deep, life affirming devotion which has lasted over 50 years.

That’s fair and I think you’re right that a lot of it is relative. What feels deep and real to one person might seem surface-level to someone else.

But I suppose part of what I’m getting at is: are some people calling something love because it’s all they’ve known, when maybe it’s just comfort or familiarity? And if so, does that mean there are people who never really get to experience the full intensity of it? It’s definitely subjective but I wonder how often people look back and realise what they thought was “it”… wasn’t.

real love - the kind that changes you, consumes you and feels almost transcendent - is something only a few people ever experience.

Doesn't sound very practical though, who is going to put the bins out and change the nappies or even hold down a job if you're truly experiencing a love that consumes you and feels transcendent? Realistically, if you want to spend the rest of your life living with just one person you want that to be someone kind and decent, who pulls their weight, particularly when things are a bit shit and who you enjoy spending time with and fancy enough to want to have sex with.

The myth of all consuming transcendental love is harmful and makes people make bad decisions based purely on how much they want to fuck someone.

I don’t mean to imply that other types of love or attachment are inferior. They can be valid and meaningful in their own right.

What I’m talking about is that rare, consuming, soul-shifting kind of romantic love that feels qualitatively different - where there’s not just care or compatibility but a depth and intensity that’s hard to describe unless you’ve felt it. Some might call it transcendent. Others might say it’s chemical.

I’m not claiming to have scientific proof - just raising a question based on observation, conversations and gut instinct: do most people ever really feel that? Or do many settle for something else, maybe without even realising it?

I hear you and I’m definitely not suggesting that practical love, shared responsibility or everyday companionship isn’t important. They’re essential, especially in long-term relationships.

But I don’t think transcendence and practicality have to be mutually exclusive. I’m talking about the kind of love that starts that way - deep, life-shifting - and then matures into something sustainable. It’s rare, yes. But I don’t think it’s a myth.

The danger, I think, isn’t in believing such love can exist - it’s in pretending any spark or convenience is the same thing and then building a life around that without really questioning it.

But we’re back with the subjective nature of love, like the subjective nature of perceiving colours. There’s no acid test for ‘true love’, which in itself is a time- and culture-specific phenomenon.

Lots of our modern, western ideas about love and romance come from medieval chivalric ideas of female unattainability and male devotion, when the lady in question was unattainable because she’d been married to someone else for dynastic reasons, as chivalric love and marriage were two entirely different things. Marriage was about family alliances, providing heirs , money and dynastic stuff. Chivalric love was a way of civilising an armed fighting force with ideas of restraint and honourable devotion to a chaste, unattainable woman. (This of course didn’t stop those same knights raping all round them in wars.)

One of the nasty surprises of being on !n is how many women live in abusive, unequal relationships without having any idea this isn’t normal, and ‘just how men are’. Because that’s all they know, or that’s what they saw modelled growing up etc.

What I’m saying is that we can’t know anyone else’s experiences of love. Men I’ve discarded as dull may have inspired devotion in other women. I taught at one university significant numbers of girls who woukd be having arranged marriages as soon as they graduated. Their experiences of love would be entirely culturally different to mine.

Depends how you define love, doesn’t it? I don’t see “real” romantic love as consuming or changing me and not as transcendent, particularly as you get older. That’s your definition but it’s definitely not mine.

That sounds rather patronising to say the least

And presumably, you’ve experienced it, and know you’re not mistaking it for something else, unlike everyone else who is?

I think what you're describing as "deep romantic love" is actually lust or limerance. It's basically an elaborate dressing up of sexual attraction with a lot of romantic language.

By definition, this sort of "love" isn't designed to last and can't last. It's designed to compel people to mate and have children and it can't survive beyond that.

Whether or not that "love" can settle into something more sustainable ultimately depends on the characters of the people concerned and how compatible they are.

I don’t think love is a single thing that everyone experiences the same.

Think of those threads about the different ways people think - some have an inner monologue and constant chatter in their minds, some hear music, some think in images. It’s amazing how diverse and individual our inner experiences are.

I’m sure our emotional experiences are the same. ‘Love’ just means ‘really like a lot in a special way’ but what that means and looks like for everyone will be completely individual.

But yes I 100% agree that some people never experience intense romantic love, and don’t miss it either. You can’t miss what you haven’t known!

I don’t think love is supposed to be traumatic! This reminds me of the love stories segmemts on local radio in the 90s, were they would retell someone love story often involving splitting up, prison, children being taken into care and play their choice of 3 love songs with represented their relationship.

Some people are completely batshit crazy and obsessive in love and think that this is a better calibre of love than those who approach it with stability, expectations and boundaries.

I’ve experienced that deep crazy love several times in my life when I was young and in my twenties. But I had low self esteem and was emotionally reckless. My DD’s have been far more ‘sensible’ but have not had the wild passionate ups and downs. I’m not sure what’s better in the long run.

I have a friend who when I first met her told me how much she really liked New Zealand. She had visited the place once and loved it, and was looking out for job opportunities to move there.

About three years later, she meets a man (through a dating app I think) who is from New Zealand. They hit it off immediately, and within 2 years were married.

I remember being quite baffled by this. Was it just a tremendous coincidence that the man she fell in love with just happened to be from New Zealand? Or, having sought a man from New Zealand, did she just happen to fall in love with the first one she met?

Was the fact that he was from New Zealand a part of the attraction, and that where he came from was influencing his personality somehow?

Was it that she just really wanted to live in New Zealand and saw this guy as her ticket over there?! (But actually, that can’t be it because they have ended up settling in the UK, have bought a smallholding and have no plans to move.)

I suppose my point is that Love is just very mysterious!

So, I was bought up by a "romantic". My parents have had a long and rare truly happy marriage. Met young, married young. Never even heard a cross word between them. Which is truly lovely.

But I was bought up with fairytale notions of "falling in love" and "the one" and things that are "meant to be" and "written in the stars ". It was sweet to be bought up on that dream. But it damaged me mentally almost beyond repair.

I did fall in love - and stayed with the lovely chap for a couple of years. I cried one night at some young drama that had happened between us. My parent was convinced he couldn't be "the one". I believed it of course. I was 18 and chucked out in the world of "real men and dating". You can imagine what happened when I started dating these real world males can't you ? Me and my naive "the one" dream and discovering the seedy world of sex, being used, manipulated, dumped, hit, hurt, sexually abused.... Blah blah.

I was extremely naive and terribly equipped for the real world. It led to a lot of pain, I can tell you. Because I truly believed this "dream" would happen for me, like I was told.

Thank god , the lessons I learnt in that short few years made me go from immature and naive to wise beyond my years. I've now got a lot of savvy in life. I wouldn't ever want to live through the pain of those years again. But I now have valuable insight for my own children. I'm married and very lucky. But it's made of solid foundations, less so "romance". And that's ok.

So apologies for the long story, but it took me back to read this dreamy, romance novel, all consuming, indescribable passion version of "love". It's not real. Infatuation is a mostly hormones in early stages to make us reproduce. Love should be about something far more adult.

Sweet about your Grandparents, but let's be real you have no idea if your Grandfather ever looked at another woman or not (if he's a warm blooded male then he will have!)

Adding to my initial post. I also didn't realise at the time , when I got out into the big wide world after being fed a diet of "earth shattering romance" and "the one" that other people weren't bought up like that. So when I had a date or two and really fancied them , I thought "this is it! This is the 'one' I was told about" - you can imagine the trouble and reputation that got me can't you? It's utterly humiliating even revisiting that naive time. (Reader: I am not that person today, far from it!) But there is damage in advertising a "fairy tale all consuming love" to developing minds. I know all too well, unfortunately. Looking back, I just fancied them and probably wouldn't have minded shagging them. But as per how I was bought up, it meant I was falling in love and they were the one. And got forbid I would have had sex with someone because I just wanted to.

I don't think a love that 'consumes you' sounds very healthy or functional at all. That's not my idea of love, I want someone who adds to me, not takes me over.

People don't have time to keep looking for that "deep, life-shifting" love. They're setting themselves up for lifelong disappointment if they think that is the only way love should be. I've experienced that intense chemical attraction thing many times. It's not a reliable indicator of someone being suitable for you.

When I was a young teen, I thought every love I had was this deep, transcendental thing. Of course, it wasn't.

So, to me, real, deep love isn't that giddy, all consuming phase. It's actually when it isn't like that. My love for my partner of 32 years remarkable for how ordinary it is, compared to the soul-searing flights of me at 15. It's not in the feeling of all consuming passion, it's in the feeling that when we are apart for a few days, I can function perfectly well, even enjoy watching TV I wouldn't watch if he was there, but...his side of the bed stays unruffled because I have slept alongside him for so long, it's like he is there even when he isn't. There's a feeling like there's a length of string by which we are connected even when apart.

But it's all so ordinary, I barely notice it. We are just a part of each other's lives. I don't think deep love is as exciting as all that. The all consuming bit is the shallow end I paddled in in my hormone riddled youth.

Love shouldn't be life-shifting. It should be life-affirming. It should be complementary to who you both are. When we are young, we think love will change our lives. We really shouldn't want it to. Instead, we should want love to accompany our lives, to enhance them, not make them.

But that's just an opinion. It's not right or wrong and neither is yours. It's such a subjective emotion, love. It's something different to each of us, I guess.