Cricket (or general hobby widows) how do you cope? AIBU to be fed up?

[Goddessoftheearth]

DH played a lot of cricket in his younger years, but as a good Dad has been about as DSC and our DS have been growing up. He’s now playing again, and because DS is now into it, has set up a junior division at the local club too.

Saturdays are now basically him and DS setting off at 9.30ish for an hour and half for junior training, he then pops back home to pick up his equipment and disappears for the rest of the day. Usually gets back at 7ish - can be later, especially with an away game. And that’s every Saturday until early September…

It also impacts our social life as although I am more than capable of catering and setting up an evening BBQ for friends at ours, I don’t know when he will be back. Equally, if we get invited somewhere, I have to go alone until he shows up.

I am feeling really resentful and fed up and we are only a month into the season. I’m trying to plan things for a Saturday myself, but if he’s later back, by the time he gets home I’m like an unexploded volcano and the slightest thing will set me off. I’m also tetchy, sarcastic and just plain mean in the mornings before he leaves.

I hate behaving this way and it’s - obviously- putting a real strain on our relationship which has always been strong. I think I’m struggling with a sort of mid life crisis at the moment where I’m not particularly happy with work/ the way I look/ where I am in my life/ what my purpose is in life and so that may be a part of it. I’ve tried explaining it to him (I tend to need to write it so I’ve emailed how I’m feeling as otherwise I find it difficult to articulate just how I do feel) and he says he understands and appreciates how hard it is, but nothing changes.

So AIBU - it’s good for him to have a hobby, he works hard (main breadwinner) and so I should get a grip and calm down.

or

YANBU - the majority of every Saturday of the summer spent on his hobby is excessive.

I’m feeling really miserable right now and like a thoroughly horrible person.

YANBU. Have you talked to him about it? It is good for him to have a sport but cricket is one the most time consuming hobbies out there. It’s great for those that play it but pretty crap for everyone else. If he’d stopped playing and was going back to it, he should have considered the impact on you and the rest of your family. How old is DS and where is he when your husband is playing?

If he was leaving you to look after the children then yes you'd be perfectly reasonable to resent it. As it is I think you need to think about how you want to spend your own Saturdays for yourself.

I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable - him wanting to enjoy his hobby with your DS or you wanting to see more of him because you aren’t feeling great.

I think communication really is key. I think it would be unreasonable to ask him to give up the cricket but he could be better with time keeping and spending / helping you work through what else you are dealing with you didn’t mind as much as I think this is the underlying issue.

YANBU. I'd find that very hard as well.
My DH is into Motorsport and is often at track events or racing events through the summer. We have a 5 year old and I'm a real grump when he goes because even though I love our daughter, she's at a 'naggy' stage and a weekend of just me and her is draining.

It's caused me to resent him a bit being honest and like you, I'm going through a similar 'tetchy' stage. Between careers, etc. I feel like while he's working/at race events I've just slotted into default parent/housewife mode and I really hate not having any family plans at weekends.

…So you get Saturdays to yourself, and because you can’t think of anything to do, you are like an “unexplored volcano”?, or rude to them before they leave.

It’s not their fault that they have found a healthy way to spend time together, this is very much a “you” problem.

Yes, being late can be annoying, but these are fixed Over matches, so it’s fairly easy to work out the probable latest time it will finIsh.

DH was a Cricketer … but I liked to go along with.. nice sunny day, a book and a glass of wine, chatting to other people (and occasionally watching the game). He doesn’t play anymore and he really miss it.

TBH, you sound a bit jealous.

I have similar but its pockets of time rather than a full day. Husband and eldest heavily in to football. Lots of training, watching, playing. We have a younger child who isn't keen on footy.
I put my foot down now and again if there is a specific event / outing but mostly just try to get on with it. I do get like you if its in the midst of a busy time as I feel like I am taking on a lot of the load. It can be frustrating. I manage that sometimes by either not bothering to do housework/ jobs or delegating out to the husband so my weekends aren't always doing the boring stuff.

As my youngest gets older and starts to do his own thing I plan to use the time for myself. Bottomless brunches with the girls, picking up a new hobby etc.

Are you getting the whole Saturday to yourself or are you caring for other dc? (I have small dc at the moment and would LOVE that much time to pursue my own interests/just have a bit of peace and quiet)

What do you want him to be doing during the time he is currently at cricket?

I don't want to vote as no one is unreasonable. It's a great thing for them to do together. It sounds like you're unhappy generally though - what's going on with work? Is it worth speaking to a therapist separately to work through that?

Also, I hate to presume, but might this be the menopause making you unhappy perhaps?

I am in menopause yes - I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and I’m on HRT. I probably am jealous yes. I don’t have a similar hobby that I can get involved with/ my passion is horses but I can’t afford to do that.

Re childcare, my DS goes to home games so on those days I am able to do my own thing, but tbh, it’s quite lonely. Yesterday I went to a local historical venue with my camera and wandered about. And yes, for those with young children, I totally get that I am fortunate to have that time to myself, so from your perspective, I am totally BU. On away days I’ve tried to take DS on outings with me, but he’s 13 and can mope about - I took him to a local agricultural/ county show, but he was totally disinterested. Equally, I don’t want to leave him to his own devices and go out leaving him at home to watch mindless videos on YouTube.

So yes. I guess in someways I ABU. And yes, maybe I need to take a good hard look at myself here. I don’t want DH to give up cricket - I’m proud of him. I know that sounds like a juxtaposition. I am conflicted by my emotions and want to be supportive and happy for him, but each time I tell myself this and to grow up and be an adult about this, I then revert back to being grumpy and miserable the next week. Perhaps this is just 49 year old me trying to find my place in the world.

Saturdays are now basically him and DS setting off at 9.30ish for an hour and half for junior training, he then pops back home to pick up his equipment and disappears for the rest of the day. Usually gets back at 7ish - can be later, especially with an away game. And that’s every Saturday until early September…

Literally every Saturday?

Does this mean you can never go away on a family Summer holiday together? I would find that aspect very hard, especially as you have a school age DS so must be restricted to school holidays for when you can go away.

I really feel for you. It's hard. I think after what you have been through you need support. I feel like that too. It's partly maybe a midlife, age thing. It can be very lonely.

That sounds like a useful train of thought OP. And a great point about the benefits for your DS and half the weekend spent outdoors and not on screens. I would really try and channel this into making some improvements in your own leisure time. This would help in so many ways, just one of which that you wouldn't resent them this weekly enjoyment any more.

I think you need to focus on your own hobbies and social life, instead of simmering with resentment over your DH’s.

If my husband worked all week then buggered off every Saturday I would be inclined to think I would be better off on my own and free to look for a man who actually wanted to spend time with me. Yanbu. Every single Saturday all day all summer is excessive.

My husband and 3 children all play cricket, so summers are basically me packing various picnics and shipping them off to matches.

What is the clubhouse like? I sometimes go and watch at the nice grounds, while away the hours with a few drinks and watch some of it. Otherwise I stay at home, occasionally cast my eye over Play Cricket to see how they're doing and do my own thing.

It is an intense hobby, and the matches are so long it's hard to plan when they will finish and that's without the rain breaks so you have my sympathy, not to mention cricketers obsession with stats which take hours to go through when they get home.

Could find a horse related charity to volunteer with on a Saturday morning ie Riding For The Disabled? That way you feel like you were doing something you are interested in and not on your own?

Why doesn't your DS go to away games?
I love having Saturdays to myself, sometimes I will pop down to the ground for a couple of hours if it's a home game or close away game.
If we have something on on a Saturday evening, DH will make sure he leaves as soon as the match finishes.

I think if it was anything other than cricket (like bloody golf!) I would be sympathetic. But honestly, cricket is just brilliant, as @ExtraOnions said take a book, glass of wine, and the day just unfolds.

Can I also recommend you watch the ITV sitcom ‘Outside Edge’. (If it’s on anywhere). It’s just brilliant, and may have you laughing wryly..

Yes, I think you should look for a reasonably accessible horse thing to do, and have a discussion with DH about how it would be fair, if you have to spend half a year of Saturdays on your own, for some of the family budget to go towards you pursuing a passion of your own.

What are Sundays like? Are they family time or is everyone too tired / pissed off to do anything?

YABU. It's one day a week. Everyone needs a hobby and their own "headspace", so I'd be delighted that he has this interest.
This is your day to do whatever you like - what a gift! I treasure my Sundays, for the same reason.
Enjoy volunteering, sports, a hobby of your own, lying on your bed with a book, whatever. And then maybe go over to watch a bit of the cricket in the evening - a couple of sunny hours in a deckchair with a drink. What's not to like?

My DH plays cricket, I can understand how you feel because it’s pretty much half the weekend taken up with it. My problem with it was really that it left me doing loads of solo child wrangling, and I do most of the childcare in the week too. I made it clear that while I support him doing his hobby, this was almost so much of a big ask as to be unreasonable, so his solution is that I get a lie in on Saturday and Sunday and he does a big clean before he goes so that I have nothing else on my plate other than doing something fun with DS. And he makes a big effort to make sure Sundays are pleasant family days. I’m more than happy with this solution 😆 although I’m not sure whether an arrangement like that would really work for you if your main issue is that you want more time with him.

If it appeals, going and watch in his home games (or drinking wine in the sun with a book) might be a good solution. My friends have now discovered that hanging around at a cricket ground on a sunny day is lovely, so we usually have a group of my friends and their kids there with us and it’s thoroughly pleasant.

Could be worse. He could be going and leaving you with the dc at home. It is a bit crap but I really think you need to go along socialise a bit or find your own things to do on a Saturday. Join a running group or similar. If your ds has a nice hobby and is happy I wouldn’t rock the boat. It can be hard to get kids into hobbies.

Oh my daughter plays cricket in the Saturday leagues (and sometimes in the women's sunday leagues too! )

I actually love it. I go and watch and take a picnic and a book and crocheting stuff and, especially if the weather is good, it's a lovely relaxing day.

I miss it when the summers are over.

Have you tried going along? If not I can see how it is annoying as it takes up half the weekend.

I think yabu but you do show some awareness of that.

Its one day a week and not even all year round.

You need to explore something that you enjoy for yourself. It might take some time to find the "me" thing but focus on that.

Also, plan an outing your son will enjoy for the days your husband is away games. Sit down with your son and come up with a list of various things you can do together, with varying budgets and indoor/outdoor things to suit all weather.

Its positive your husband has a hobby and a focus and that he also includes your son in that and doesn't ditch family life every week. I'd think you had a point if he was ditching your son every Saturday but that isn't the case.

I second the idea of getting back into horse riding. Have a couple of refresher lessons and then book to go on a fortnightly hack. Could be a lovely way to spend an hour or so in the summer months. I know it’s an expensive hobby but, as someone up-thread said, there is a definite argument for some of the family budget being allocated on making sure ALL members of the household enjoy weekends.

On the weekends where you have DS, you could both try and get into an outdoor activity. Hiking/geocaching/one of those virtual treasure hunts where you trek around a city and use your phone to look for clues like this.

I do feel for you though.