Moving house and relationship

[ARippleInTheAir]

Ok so this is sort of two separate issues but it has been making me reevaluate my relationship quite a bit. Firstly and most majorly, me and my partner are planning on moving, still looking for a suitable house to rent. I live in a fairly nice area in terns of low crime rate, it is student-y, but I’d prefer that to high crime. He lives closer to work currently but the area is a bit renown for crime, economic stagnation and overall less public transport/walk-friendly areas. He is pushing for us to move there solely because it is closer to his work, where I live, it is about a 35 min drive. I also work but mostly from home (bear in mind he could work from home but chooses not to). AIBU for being stubborn and wanting to stay in my area? My son is 12 too so him moving school is not something I want to do lightly. I just feel like my partner is putting himself first all to reduce what is only a 35 min drive that he does 4 days a week as he only works 4 days. I can be a bit blunt and I say that the area is horrible which makes him angry, which then annoys me more because he for some reason attaches this area to his identity and gets passionate about it.

secondly a bit more TMI, he has been suffering from a period of ED which I have been supporting him through, it is due to a situation of trauma he experienced. It has been about 8 months now, and I’ve suggested we get professional help but he’s very adamant against it which has left me silently frustrated. We’ve been together 2 years now and I wonder if it really is a good decision to move in and continue everything. Outside of these two issues we do get on very well

YANBU. Chuck this one back in the sea OP. Your ds is the main priority especially with schooling.

Your oh sounds defensive and selfish.

Doesn’t sound like a good point at which to move in together - a safe area and your son’s stability are more important than his commute

Don't move. All the benefit is on his side and none on yours (and there's two of you).

Stick to your guns. Moving your son’s school for a bloke you’ve known two years is not on. Tell him you’re staying put. Put yourself and child first.

I might as well add this as maybe I’m wrong and the area isn’t so bad- it is Mansfield

Outside of these two issues we do get on very well

He's selfish and won't seek help for his ED (which has lasted for half your relationship).

These are 2 pretty big things.

Yeah that’s true, I do feel as though on a lot of things historically I have been easily swayed (in past relationships). but I need to start putting my foot down more. My main concern is for my son, why uproot his life in a nice area and a decent school all for what?

No way would I move my child’s school unless absolutely necessary if he’s settled and happy!

Especially not because he is lazy and wants an easy commute. Ties to the area are understandable but you’re not asking him to emigrate to Mongolia, he can go back to his friends/family/the area generally as and when he pleases!

I would probably forget moving in together now if he’s showing these signs of an unwillingness to compromise or think of you and your son over his own needs and reevaluate the relationship altogether.

Do what's good for you and your child. Every time.

He cannot seriously expect you to move your son's school for a 2 year, slightly rocky relationship!!! That is a huge red flag in itself!

OP listen to your gut. You are a mum. You need to put your son first. Keep him at the school he is settled in.

I wouldn't compromise on my sons school. No way.

What's this guy got going for him?

I would not be moving in with him full stop. Put your child and their school area first.

As for the ED. It’s been 8 months out of two years. Why are you settling for a shitty person overall

Is he is the father of your son?

There is zero chance id be moving and yr7/8 child unless it was absolutely unavoidable

Thanks all for reaffirming it’s a terrible idea. I did doubt myself a few weeks ago, but I think even me posting here was me just looking for people to agree. His main point is that houses in that area are a lot cheaper, but I’d rather find a house in an area I know without uprooting son than save money. Either way, I will have to move (with or without him) so will continue looking around me. As for the ED I have some of body confidence issues, eg I have a mum tum, getting older, have some extra body fat. And when I met the current person I’m with, he in my opinion was a ‘cut above me’ in the looks department. I don’t blame him for his ED, because he has went through a lot, but my mind slips into ‘I’m just not attractive’. And to be honest, I do miss sex and intimacy in general and it’s really getting me down

Please dont move. Prioritise your child. The other very important point- ED is extremely difficult to treat and it will eventually create lots of resentment.

Gosh, just end things. He’s selfish, focused on his own ease, and refuses to seek help for a treatable issue, and there’s no way I would even contemplate for a nanosecond making my 12 year old’s life unnecessarily harder for a faltering and short relationship.

I was in a similar situation years ago. Except I was the one wanting to move areas and he wanted to stay put. But all for his own convenience as I had a 1.5 hr commute and his was 10 minutes (no wfh back then). Found a lovely house in a nice area. Far nicer than where I was living. I decided to go ahead with it. We’d also been together around 2yrs at that point. He grudgingly went along with it but we split up 18months later. The move was a small part of it, but not the main reason.

Years later I am still happy in my lovely house! I don’t for one second regret choosing what was right for me. 2 years is no time at all to be with someone and clearly there are other issues. Just getting on well isn’t a reason to uproot yours and your sons life. Don’t put yourself in a worse situation just to please him.

' partner ' are you already living together ? or will this be the two of you beginning to live together as you do say 2 different areas.

Prioritise your son, he is family.

This. Don’t move your son. ED you can only help them if they want help. He isn’t helping himself so it will not happen. Throw this one back.

Just read your update. Your body is fine and you are more attractive than you think. Women usually judge themselves harder than men. In terms of tummy, try probiotics - it helped me with my mum tum.

Your child comes first above any partner so this shouldn't even be a question.

Of course you stay put as your child is settled!

I don't judge him for his ED.

I judge him for not getting treatment.

Not a chance I'd move my son from his school for this.

The fact that he’s not prepared to put a 12 year-old first is disgraceful. Hopefully you will
And he can’t get it up either ?
Definitely not a Keeper

Absolutely not.
Do not do this to your son, and certainly not for him.
Your son lives in a nice area and is entering a critical stage in his life.
Keep him near his friends and support.

You would be so wrong to do this to your son and the impact would likely be hugely negative and long term.

I would be completely rethinking this relationship to.
You are not compatible.