To ask how on earth you ‘slow down’?

[Imcomingovertoyourplace]

I’m exhausted. I’ll admit it. I work full time, no DH or DP. I have a pretty tiring (emotionally and mentally) job which is based from home but I do visits most days, usually two or three.
I have two children and a great, fantastic group of friends. I want to slow down and do less but I really struggle with saying no.
For Example, the kids can’t really have play dates after school due to my work and so I tend to have a few kids to ours over the weekend. My DC1 has additional needs and so 99% of the play dates need to be at ours. I also like seeing my friends for catch ups, drinks, cinema, gigs etc. I have a lot of family too, who we cram into the weekend too, plus the kids need to do normal things like swimming, trips to museums, zoos etc just because otherwise what’s the point of weekends?
Everytime I want to slow down, I can’t decide what I’m supposed to say no to. Play dates? Fun stuff with friends? Family?
Then there’s all the boring necessary stuff like getting the car MOT’d, shopping, buying birthday presents which have to happen on weekends as I just don’t stop in the week. I work 10-6 to do school runs in the morning, so by the time we’re all back in the house, it’s 7-8.
I can’t cut my hours but I go to work on Monday more shattered than I was when I left on Friday!
Just this weekend it was sleepover for DC2 at ours, then rushing to get a birthday present for a friend, then home for DC1 play date at ours, then I’m out tonight. Then driving to London tomorrow as I’ve worked all week and the kids have just been in holiday club all half term so need a day out, then home and then work Monday. I haven’t stopped and unfortunately it’s having an impact on my health. My mum says ‘you need to slow down’ but I feel like the only thing I can cancel is my social life, which is a bit shit for me.
Anyone who managed to get a better balance, how did you do it?

@SleepingStandingUpim doing a course so I use my Sunday for that plus seeing relatives. My children are with their dad so I don’t get that day to chill with them and I feel guilty if I chill as I should be trying to get stuff done so I can chill with them.

Plus my childcare is an informal mix of friends, family and their dad so when I finish at 6 I go to collect them from where ever they are and then usually stay a bit so it doesn’t seem rude. That’s why i get home at 8

Most people would understand that you need to get home and cook dinner and have a nighttime routine. If you and your kids aren't getting home until 8pm because you feel it's rude to pick up your kids without a 1 or 2 hour visit, how do you manage a consistent nighttime routine, especially with 1 of your kids having extra needs? How do you deal with homework when it's late and they're tired?

It sounds like you're putting your friends and family wishes to socialize over you and your children's physical needs. You're teaching them to ignore physical exhaustion to please and possibly placate others. You're not giving them downtime.

Yeah, you need better boundaries. This is madness. So you're socialising 1-2h a day after work, plus all day most weekend days?
And you need to look after yourself. You won't be able to chill and be your best self for your kids at the weekend if you're burnt out.
I find 1h a week alone in a coffee shop is amazingly restorative for such a limited time. No phone scrolling etc, just read or draw or chill with a nice drink and/or cake.

Social work is hard, and you’re single parent with informal childcare and a DC with additional needs.

Is some of the ‘fun’ stuff actually fun/manageable for you?

I’m not single and have a much easier, office job and would find that much activity most weekends tiring. i do sleepovers and trips etc if/when I have time off.

Gosh don’t you think those people would want you to leave pronto on a weeknight? That way you all can get chill time!

"i feel guilty if I chill"

This is the heart of it. You need to explore why this feeling of guilt matters more to you than protecting your health.

This is madness OP. Sorry but no one wants you hanging around on a weeknight after they've been looking after your DC. Can you arrange formal childcare so you can just collect and go at 6pm if you really feel this is an issue?

This would stop you having to reciprocate childcare to an extent as well!

Yep - it’s very thoughtful of you but I’m sure they’d be perfectly fine with you collecting and going rather than staying for two hours. Week days are busy.

@Mydadsbirthdaythere isn’t any, not that can cater to my DC’s needs, she has an EHCP

@Imcomingovertoyourplace
as soon as you said if you dropped to four days your work load would still be full time, I guessed you were a fellow social worker!

I was the same as this. I’ve very recently started to say no to things, and being honest saying I just don’t want to but let’s schedule something for in the next week or so. It’s kind of liberating and not once has anyone been annoyed. Time to start saying no. You won’t look back