To ask how on earth you ‘slow down’?

[Imcomingovertoyourplace]

I’m exhausted. I’ll admit it. I work full time, no DH or DP. I have a pretty tiring (emotionally and mentally) job which is based from home but I do visits most days, usually two or three.
I have two children and a great, fantastic group of friends. I want to slow down and do less but I really struggle with saying no.
For Example, the kids can’t really have play dates after school due to my work and so I tend to have a few kids to ours over the weekend. My DC1 has additional needs and so 99% of the play dates need to be at ours. I also like seeing my friends for catch ups, drinks, cinema, gigs etc. I have a lot of family too, who we cram into the weekend too, plus the kids need to do normal things like swimming, trips to museums, zoos etc just because otherwise what’s the point of weekends?
Everytime I want to slow down, I can’t decide what I’m supposed to say no to. Play dates? Fun stuff with friends? Family?
Then there’s all the boring necessary stuff like getting the car MOT’d, shopping, buying birthday presents which have to happen on weekends as I just don’t stop in the week. I work 10-6 to do school runs in the morning, so by the time we’re all back in the house, it’s 7-8.
I can’t cut my hours but I go to work on Monday more shattered than I was when I left on Friday!
Just this weekend it was sleepover for DC2 at ours, then rushing to get a birthday present for a friend, then home for DC1 play date at ours, then I’m out tonight. Then driving to London tomorrow as I’ve worked all week and the kids have just been in holiday club all half term so need a day out, then home and then work Monday. I haven’t stopped and unfortunately it’s having an impact on my health. My mum says ‘you need to slow down’ but I feel like the only thing I can cancel is my social life, which is a bit shit for me.
Anyone who managed to get a better balance, how did you do it?

The answer to that is "really looking forward to some chill time! Coffee and a book in the garden!".

People will understand. Kids benefit from nothing days sometimes too. If that's what you need, that's what you need.

If it makes you feel better, plan it in. On the calendar, see X here, kids have Y here, this Sunday is for chill time.

Teach your kids to slow down too or they'll think they should never be stopping as well.

Cut down on the playdates, you can still do them but every other weekend for example. You don’t need to do a day trip to London, a half day out there lies a chilled afternoon would be fine. It must be tiring for your kids too if they’re in childcare every day after school and in holidays, sometime a relaxed day or afternoon in is good for everyone.

Plan down time. Have a play date but when it's their turn go for a pub lunch, soak in a bath, read a book etc whatever suits you

If I don't want to accept an invitation because I prefer a chilled home day, I just say I have plans that day and suggest we meet the following weekend. It's not a lie - I do have plans and they involve being on the sofa, playing games with my kids and pottering around the house. Would something like that work for you? I think you should look at why you say yes to everyone and overcommit yourself. If you can identify the reasons it might help you to change. For example, do you feel restless/sad if you stop and sit down? Do you fear people will stop wanting to see you altogether if you decline them once?

Do your shopping for gifts and food online. Kids don't need playdates, sleepovers and days out every weekend - aim for once a month instead. Catch up lunch with family one weekend day and have a lazy/home day next day. You don't have to socialise every weekend either. You can cut back and slow down, you just need to learn to say no! Why not invite a friend over for a takeaway and a bottle of wine in the evening instead?

This is crazy. Just plan to stay home with your kids every Sunday. You are lucky to have so many friends and family but just make plans with them slightly less often.

Double up on the play dates. If DS1 has a friend over, do the same for DS2.
Say no to one in every 3 or 4 invites from each group of people. It IS ok to say no. It IS ok to have plans revolving around sitting at home. It IS ok to put you first.

...otherwise what's the point of weekends...

The point of weekends is to sit around in your pajamas and let the kids have some downtime too. It's not good for them to be constantly entertained or whisked off to scheduled activities. They need time to just live in their own heads.

Have you asked the kids what they’d want to do at the weekend? That’d be my starting point, as it sounds like they never get time at home just to mooch about. I also protect time, so we’re always at home on Sunday afternoons barring a family birthday or other important event.

If I were you, be honest with your friends and family that you’re going to be less available for a few months to catch your breath, and see how you all feel when you’re not trying to tick all the boxes you have got in your head that must be fulfilled each weekend.

You can say no. As a single mom, you're it for your kids and you need to put your health and welfare ahead of martyring yourself to the demands of friends and family who may have help with their families that you don't. Tell them you have to slow down and you are only going to be able to do things 2 weekends a month. You need boundaries for your health here.

You're running yourself into the ground being a people pleaser. Your mom noticed. What will happen if you get really sick?

@InWithPeaceOutWithStressbut I don’t get two days with my children, I get one. The other day they’re with their dad and I’m working.

I think my problem is that I feel I owe a lot of people. I am only able to work full time as I get a lot of help from friends and family to cover some after schools or unexpected late finishes or inset days, or sickness or when I’m sick! So if I can help a friend out by having their child for an afternoon or driving them to ikea I will.

Social worker? Could you consolidate your home visits to three days only - so for example Monday you’re home doing admin and planning week and Friday your writing up and organising.

if it feels too much don’t do it, have a play date but say no to sleepovers for example, buy a bunch of birthday cards and wrapping paper and sometimes just put £5 or £10 in a card.

big day trips can be saved for school holidays only. Make Saturdays busy and Sundays literally a day of rest - just prep for the week and chilling at home.

I second looking closely at budget to see if you could reduce spending and cut your hours at work. Dropping from 5 to 4 days does not equal a 1/5 pay cut, because you are taxed disproportionately on the higher bits of your salary. Plus you might save on costs like childcare.

If that's not possible, then you need to schedule in some down time. Maybe start with one full day per fortnight? Put it in your diary and treat it like an obligation. Friends and family will just have to wait until you're free again.

If you're working a weekend day and only have one day with the kids, then chores need to be done on your mid-week day off (Inc the birthday present shopping you mentioned as a weekend activity). I'd also be using that mid-week day off for some proper down time and switch off.

(Sorry if I misunderstood and you are working 6 days a week, in which case you definitely need to budget so you can reduce hours; can you share your monthly outgoings)

@okydokethenhow did you guess? Yes, that’s why I’m not dropping a day, I’ve seen too many part time colleagues get absolutely no let up in terms of their caseload. I’m not doing all the work for less money. Plus I’m not very good at not working, looking at emails, so I would end up working ‘just for an hour’ for free!

Plus… although I’m stressed and always rushing, I love seeing my friends, I love seeing my kids having fun. My job is so dark at times, I need those moments to just look back on and think ‘ah that was nice, that was a good bit’ but I don’t seem to get the balance right.

Do you want to slow down or do you just feel you should?

That doesn't mean you can plan for some "you" time once a month, though, does it?

You'll be no use to anyone if you burn out.

I entirely get the need to ‘slow down’ and it’s really hard but we have made a co sorted effort as I have had bouts of illness which have all lasted much longer than they should.

We do lots of things during the week - swimming, Beavers/Rainbows, Cricket and Ballet. So our weeks are mad but we manage by doing the following:

Sundays are family home days/ready for the week. There are of course exceptions but on a standard week we are at home and it’s about a slow prep for the week. Therefore any sleepovers must be on a Friday night.

Food is delivered - a recent discovery but my goodness a godsend!

School Hols, we focus the first week/few days on being at home and allowing the kids to be bored - makes the rest much simpler! On a weeks hols I’d only plan on doing a couple of activities (swimming/cinema/day out).

These things have really helped us and I will follow other ideas!!

OP I am just like you. I have a busy job and a huge social life, as do my DC.

Mine are teens now and it's still full on but I have way more time now.

I did not do play dates or sleepovers in term term. Only during holidays when I take time off. Frankly sleepovers are a bad idea during term time, really disrupts kids sleep. We were really strict about this and still don't allow it.

I would say don't kill your social life; you will need friends when your DC are older. But don't be a people pleaser and say yes to everything else.

I would do a mass playdate once every two months. Invite a group over or even better meet at a park or cinema so no cleaning up required.

Order everything online. DH and I work full time and I wouldn't dream of going to the supermarket, we just don't have enough time. Same with buying presents etc.

I do this too! But don't do it on weekends. Take your leave when the kids are off and repay childcare favours during those times. It's too hard on weekends. Trust me on this!

Some really good tips, thanks. I feel that our holidays are as full on as our weeks in term time and my kids don’t get much time at home. I’d struggle to change that as I can’t really work with them at home

So you're working 6 days a week if you're working one of the weekend days? Are you paid for that or are you just trying to keep up? That would be one of the obvious things to try and sort out if that's the case. That would give you a day kid and work free to see friends or catch up with housework etc

How far away is the childcare if you finish work at 6 and don't get in til 8? Again, it might mean some extra work short term but could you find an alternative provider?

It sounds like you're hyper focused on having the perfect life for your kids which is sweet but unattainable. They don't need to go to London for the day because they had to go to holiday club. Just spending time with you is what matters and after a week at club I'd think a quiet day - movie on the sofa, walk around the local park, ice cream etc would be perfect. If they don't get much time at home, why can't you use every other Saturday as a chill day. Get out their toys. Art supplies. Gardening stuff.

You're setting them up to think the only way to live is to be constantly on the go like you are.