To think that women keep too many secrets to protect men and that it’s time we stopped?

[BeTaupeLeader]

Inspired by the Netflix series The Secrets We Keep but honestly, I think this goes ways beyond the show.

From covering up for male partners who cheat or mistreat us, to staying quiet about workplace harassment so he doesn’t lose his job, to protecting the reputations of fathers, brothers, exes, even friends… why do so many women carry the burden of men’s behaviour?

Sometimes it’s fear. Sometimes shame. Sometimes because we’re told it’s the “kind” or “mature” thing to do.

But is it really? And what happens when we don’t keep those secrets? When we name names or even just stop excusing things?

Have you ever kept a secret to protect a man - big or small? Did it help or just eat away at you?

I don’t think we talk enough about this.

AIBU to think it’s time we stopped doing it?

Doesn't resonate with me at all. I am sure most couples know small things about one another their partner doesnt want broadcasting, but I don't think it's more one way than the other

You are so right. No one ever complains about men on MN. We need to break this wall of silence!

Yes women never complain endlessly yet just stay with them and then complain again and the cycle continues

The only time I've ever kept secrets to protect someone is if children would be impacted. Never for a man. I'm in a very long and happy marriage and think that one of the reasons we still get on is that we're very open and talk things through.

I don't know what series you're talking about. But I imagine a significant reason would be the material consequences of not keeping something quiet.

You are hilarious. 99 % of threads are complaining about men 🤣🤣

@Totallytoti
Exactly! I think the poster was being sarcastic!

It’s pretty obvious she means complaining about them in real life, where there is no anonymity.

Sarcasm which makes zero sense on an anonymous forum.

What's your experience then OP? Go on you first.

You post doesn’t resonate with me either. I have never carried any burden in order to protect a man.

Some men are dicks, some women are dicks. But I hate this sisterhood narrative with the whole ‘us women must unshackle ourselves from all the nasty wasty men who are so cruel and mean to us, blub blub’. It’s simply not like that in real life.

I once had a relationship with a man who (it turned out) was having side relationships with men. Because of his family culture, he’d always had this secret life and on the surface, had girlfriends like me. When I found out, I was totally heartbroken at all the lies and cheating.

We broke up, but for some reason I always kept his secret, not wanting to ‘shame’ him. I told him I wouldn’t tell anyone but if I caught wind of him starting a new relationship with another woman without telling her, I would find a way to tell her. I didn’t want any more women to go through what I’d experienced.

I don’t know why I kept his secret. I guess I just thought that if I spoke about it publicly his family might cut him off and I didn’t want to be that vindictive. He’d cheated and lied repeatedly so I didn’t owe him anything but I wanted to be the better person.

I agree with this. Broadly speaking men tend to have more power than women, this means they have a greater ability to harm us if we do not comply with them.

When I saw this thread title I thought it meant like removing moustaches and faking orgasms and not talking about period pain or hot flushes at work or having Tampax boxes out in the bathroom where dads/brothers can see them.

Yanbu x

My experience has been a family history of keeping secrets for family bullies, so as not to expose the family toxicity, this emboldens the bullies (male and female), and ultimately escalates the toxic situation that is being protected.

Also keeping secrets to disguise addiction or mental illness.

This doesn’t resonate with me, either. I’ve always worked in places with very open and robust cultures around inappropriate behaviour in terms of sexual harassment, it’s definitely not something women are expected to tolerate and keep quiet about nowadays. I don’t think women who keep quiet about cheating partners or male relatives, or partners and relatives who are shit partners and dads, do it to protect the man; they keep quiet because it’s not really anybody else’s business and airing your dirty laundry in public is unnecessary drama and generally tiresome for people around you. If my brother cheats on his partner, that’s between them. I might express my disappointment to him privately, but beyond that it isn’t a “burden” I’m carrying or anything I need to speak aloud to other people about.

Yes I have, I'm sorry to say. My telling people wouldn't do any good to anyone so there is no point.

I called out my father's abusive behaviour and went NC and most of the family sided with him.

I don't think keeping silent benefits anyone other than horrible men.

So I have mixed feelings really, it's not always safe and there are consequences

YANBU.

I would like everyone to know about my ex-h's shameful abusive behaviour, warts and all.

I guess I don't spread it widely for a range of reasons. Because he'd make my life and coparenting impossible. But also, and this is the tricky thing, because in polite society most people don't want to know the dirt.

I think people keep quiet because they don’t always want to be subjected to a barrage of mumsnet style advice that they don’t want to follow. It is very easy to tell someone else how to live their life but not so easy when you are the one living it.

I have a male friend who is regularly sleeping with two women that arent his wife. He goes off to a different country where they have a second home to do it. I hate the hypocrisy but I don’t tell on him. It’s too much of a responsibility : I guess his daughters would hate him if they found out, and he wouldn’t look like The Good Guy anymore in his village.

Doesn’t resonate with me either. In fact I’ve got way more dirt on a number of women in my life. I don’t blab because they mostly aren’t my secrets to tell and where they are, I just don’t fancy everyone knowing my business.

Yes, this resonates with me, too, though it was more covering up male failures and MH problems. But not in my generation.

I think would struggle to keep quiet and whatever reputation loss he suffers is entirely his doing - but have never actually been in this situation to test my myself.

I have never had to keep significant secrets for men or women in my family, friends circle or at work - we are all very happily dull in the respect, as far as I am aware.