To think that women keep too many secrets to protect men and that it’s time we stopped?

[BeTaupeLeader]

Inspired by the Netflix series The Secrets We Keep but honestly, I think this goes ways beyond the show.

From covering up for male partners who cheat or mistreat us, to staying quiet about workplace harassment so he doesn’t lose his job, to protecting the reputations of fathers, brothers, exes, even friends… why do so many women carry the burden of men’s behaviour?

Sometimes it’s fear. Sometimes shame. Sometimes because we’re told it’s the “kind” or “mature” thing to do.

But is it really? And what happens when we don’t keep those secrets? When we name names or even just stop excusing things?

Have you ever kept a secret to protect a man - big or small? Did it help or just eat away at you?

I don’t think we talk enough about this.

AIBU to think it’s time we stopped doing it?

I don’t know why I kept his secret

I guess ultimately his sexuality is not your secret to reveal.
Not knowing the situation at all (obviously), perhaps he would much rather just be in a relationship with a man than have to have this front of being with a woman to appease his family. Would they have tried to set him up with a woman/arrange a marriage if he was seen to be single and by having a girlfriend it would have kept the pressure off a bit? Sounds like a very unhappy situation all round.

The second part of your post is in complete conflict with your first.

Entitled and predatory behaviour by men in public/organisations should and is called out.

But in private we should keep quiet?

Can't you see they are two cheeks of the same arse?

No. One is sexual harassment. The other is what goes on in families and relationships. If my brother sexually harasses somebody, that should be called out. If my brother has a problem in his relationship, that’s not anyone else’s business.

Both kinds of behaviours come from male entitlement and contempt for women.

I’d say the comment was ironic. Not sure why anonymity cancels out the humour.

I've never kept a secret to protect a man. I kept one to protect myself from being accused of lying, being the centre of town gossip, having to relive trauma. The noble thing would have been to report it but I don't think I could have managed the emotional turmoil and realistically the chance of me speaking out preventing another experiencing the same is very slim.

What is it when women cheat, then? Contempt for men?

Sarcasm always makes sense.

I don’t think I’ve ever been expected to keep secrets for a man - because I thankfully don’t have many men in my life who do grubby things, and the few who do, do them openly.

I think I get it

How many times do people turn blind eye to poor behaviour because it's "none of our business" women saying what a great dad that man is while his family know damm well he isn't watching their child he is taking it to his sisters or his mums house handing it over and sitting on his arse while they do it all for him or not warning the current girlfriend he is an abusive twunt (because of course she won't be believed) but really? A man with several arrests for the same offences convicted or not should give you a pause but it doesn't you trust and believe in him move areas because of his "crazy ex" then again because he doesn't like it maybe even again because people keep hating on your man for no reason all the time it's really him and your a fucking idiot

I don’t think I’ve ever kept a secret to protect a man. Why would I.

I guess I would keep a small secret to protect a family member or friend but I’d do that regardless of sex.

Some women, not all I should say are absolute doormats to men and will do anything to protect them. Look at the comments on most of these threads, one still going on now where the Op asked she was ok to be angry at her husband who had pissed the bed then just left her to clean it up. The comments were hysterical and ridiculous, saying how he would have been too embarrassed, to him having some potential life threatening health condition because he pissed the bed once.. then of course the comments about her marriage and how she hates him. All these comments by women. It’s women that are the problem not men. If more women called out men on their behaviour and didn’t mother them like a spoilt baby there would be a hell of a lot less internalised misogyny.

But in the terms you’re describing it depends on context. Would I keep a secret about a male colleague having an affair with another Co worker and sleeping with multiple women? Yes, and I have done this. And yes I knew his girlfriend. Why none of my business, of course I felt bad for her but she was told about this previously. So no I’m not getting involved. I made it clear to him I thought he was trash. Would I keep quiet if I knew a male colleague was harassing a female Co worker? Fuck no.

Can I ask for examples? Was also thinking about this.

I wasn’t talking just about cheating but the whole panoply of bad male behaviour in relationships and familles - all the shit you read on here day after day.

I know what you mean Op, women keep quiet about their DHs misbehaving because they feel ashamed/embarrasses or because they know calling them out in it publically will end the relationship. I listen to my DP tell people things that big him up that I know didn't happen and let it slide