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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids bedtime at wedding

49 replies

WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:11

I am marrying a man with two children & we have a baby ourselves. We have zero childcare support from family and have to pay for childcare whenever we need to do anything ourselves. I'm okay with this, while I was very hands on for my nieces and nephews Ive accepted that my siblings are in different spaces and help isnt going to happen for us. Anyway on our wedding night, we have asked that all kids go to bed at 11.30pm, including our own, so my husband and I get some time together- it will be a few hours, will be back up with baby at 6am. My sister feels this is unfair and told me while I can insist my own stepkids go to bed, she should be allowed to keep hers up as they will love the dance floor and enjoyed it at other family weddings. I'm hurt that she can't see that this would be so unfair and hurtful to my stepkids. I would never treat them differently. We know they will be tired and clingy that late and we just want to let our hair down for a few hours, as we never get time to ourselves with friends. We won't get any other free time over the wedding and are bringing the kids on our minimoon.- AIBU?

OP posts:
DublinLaLaLa · 30/05/2025 23:13

11.30pm?! Is that a typo?

Original poster
WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:14

11.30pm - we will be up at 6am with kids, so we're hoping to get a few hours with our friends & adult family after kids go to bed. We will have about 15 kids, outside our own at wedding, everyone else fine with it - and seem to be happy to get a few kid free hours themselves..

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 30/05/2025 23:17

I understand where you are coming from, but you can’t dictate that some of your guests have to leave at 11.30 if the party is still going, which is what you’re doing. The children are still guests and they won’t put themselves to bed.

Your sister just doesn’t want to have to leave a big family celebration that she’s made effort for early, which is fair.

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 30/05/2025 23:17

Are you Irish @WeddingBlues2025? I’ve known Irish weddings go on all night! I’m English and it tends to be a midnight finish.

Original poster
WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:19

CopperWhite · 30/05/2025 23:17

I understand where you are coming from, but you can’t dictate that some of your guests have to leave at 11.30 if the party is still going, which is what you’re doing. The children are still guests and they won’t put themselves to bed.

Your sister just doesn’t want to have to leave a big family celebration that she’s made effort for early, which is fair.

I don't get this - I would have no problem doing the same for her if the roles were reversed. We were at a family wedding on my husband to bes side last year where same request was made, it didn't even dawn on me to object as I felt the groom and bride (also parents) deserved a stress free few hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:20

WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:14

11.30pm - we will be up at 6am with kids, so we're hoping to get a few hours with our friends & adult family after kids go to bed. We will have about 15 kids, outside our own at wedding, everyone else fine with it - and seem to be happy to get a few kid free hours themselves..

Edited

Yes Irish wedding!

OP posts:
Renabrook · 30/05/2025 23:21

Your own kids up to you but no you shouldn't dictate to others

DublinLaLaLa · 30/05/2025 23:21

Surely most children are in bed for that time anyway and those that aren’t don’t really need full hands-on parenting. My 8 and 5 year old would be in bed hours earlier than 11.30pm.

However, I don’t think you can say ‘kids must go to bed at 11.30’ without seeming like a bridezilla. The vast majority of parents will get them off to bed before this time anyway so it won’t be problem. Your DS seems like the odd one out here (unless her children are secondary aged, then see paragraph above).

Original poster
WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:25

DublinLaLaLa · 30/05/2025 23:21

Surely most children are in bed for that time anyway and those that aren’t don’t really need full hands-on parenting. My 8 and 5 year old would be in bed hours earlier than 11.30pm.

However, I don’t think you can say ‘kids must go to bed at 11.30’ without seeming like a bridezilla. The vast majority of parents will get them off to bed before this time anyway so it won’t be problem. Your DS seems like the odd one out here (unless her children are secondary aged, then see paragraph above).

Our kids are the same age as hers - she wants to leave them up and has at 2 previous family weddings. I can't imagine shepherding mine to bed while leaving their new cousins up, they would be gutted and I think it would look and feel like favouritism! I know our kids will be tired and clingy by that hour, so we either sacrifice our carefree few hours to keep all kids up or ask that all primary school kids go to bed, I just can't send mine to bed earlier than my nieces and nephews. We are forming new bonds and I don't want them to feel 'less than' my nieces and nephews with whom I am very close

OP posts:
Coventgardengirl · 30/05/2025 23:36

Why don’t you just tell the step kids the other children are also going to bed ? They won’t know will they ?

NuffSaidSam · 30/05/2025 23:41

Your sister is being a bit of a dick.

But you are massively overthinking the bedtime favouritism thing. Different families have different rules, that's something that most primary aged children should already understand. If not, just tell them that the cousins are going to bed too. It's really not the drama you're making it out to be.

My bigger concern is where is this taking place? Are you planning on putting two primary aged kids and a baby in a hotel room and then partying downstairs?

SALaw · 30/05/2025 23:41

You can’t dictate that. You need to parent your own kids without reference to what other kids are or are not doing. If your sister said hers were going to bed at 8.30 would you say “oh well I need to send my kids to bed then too”?

Original poster
WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:43

A neighbour has kindly offered to mind our kids that night till we come up. The cousins would tell our kids!

OP posts:
musicinme · 30/05/2025 23:45

Surely one parent from each family will need to put their children to bed and keep an eye on them afterwards? Or will the primary age children all be alone in their bedrooms while partying for adults carries on elsewhere?

towhoknowswhere · 30/05/2025 23:51

I find this odd, surely if you’re getting married post dc they’re there with all the other children enjoying themselves? You’re not newlyweds without dc, so you’re wedding will be very different!
My dc were the last ones standing on the dance floor at our wedding and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way!

NuffSaidSam · 30/05/2025 23:52

WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:43

A neighbour has kindly offered to mind our kids that night till we come up. The cousins would tell our kids!

Then you're going to have to put your big girl knickers on and talk to the kids about how different people have different rules (I'd imagine they already probably know this). Explain to them what's going to happen and why. I would lean into wanting them to have enough sleep so you can do fun stuff the next day rather than "we want some time without you" though.

Original poster
WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:54

musicinme · 30/05/2025 23:45

Surely one parent from each family will need to put their children to bed and keep an eye on them afterwards? Or will the primary age children all be alone in their bedrooms while partying for adults carries on elsewhere?

Neither she or her wife want to go up early. Irish weddings finish at 3am, even later. My husband to be is a doctor and hates any kids being up around adults who have been drinking all day. I have been at several Irish weddings where kids are asked to leave at 11pm and never heard anyone else have a problem with it so I really didnt see an objection coming. The other couples are all grand with it, some suggested it to me so I could let my hair down!

OP posts:
EggnogNoggin · 30/05/2025 23:56

You tell your kids the same as every other parent- different families have different rules.

Who will be supervising your kids when they are in bed?

And ffs you aren't forming new bonds. You know your husband and your families already, a ring doesn't make a jot of difference.

HeddaGarbled · 31/05/2025 00:01

Neither she or her husband want to go up early

That’s the crux of it: you’re not just saying that the children need to leave early - you’re saying that one or both of the parents have to.

CopperWhite · 31/05/2025 00:03

WeddingBlues2025 · 30/05/2025 23:54

Neither she or her wife want to go up early. Irish weddings finish at 3am, even later. My husband to be is a doctor and hates any kids being up around adults who have been drinking all day. I have been at several Irish weddings where kids are asked to leave at 11pm and never heard anyone else have a problem with it so I really didnt see an objection coming. The other couples are all grand with it, some suggested it to me so I could let my hair down!

Edited
Show quote history

And you really don’t get why they don’t want to leave early and separately?

Tiswa · 31/05/2025 00:06

Yes you can make them because that is being a parent. No one parents the same - sometimes you don’t even parent the same children the same. You have your rules she has hers but her rules don’t stop you having yours

Original poster
WeddingBlues2025 · 31/05/2025 00:09

A neighbour has kindly offered to babysit - we are forming new bonds. My husband was widowed when we met and his boys got to know me first, we went slow with introductions with wider family (based on counselling advice) they are still getting to know my family and I'm keen to make sure they don't feel any less important to me than other kids there. It seems I am being oversensitive based on the commentary on this. They have had a lot of trauma and change and I can't help but feel protective of them, but also know they will be absolute briars by midnight and our night will essentially be over. My husband to be has suggested to avoid my sister feeling upset we just call it a night and go to bed when the boys do rightly or wrongly, he also feels he couldn't send them up, and leave other kids on dance floor.

OP posts:
McCartneyOnTheHeath · 31/05/2025 00:13

HeddaGarbled · 31/05/2025 00:01

Neither she or her husband want to go up early

That’s the crux of it: you’re not just saying that the children need to leave early - you’re saying that one or both of the parents have to.

Edited because I just spotted the OP's edit re the spouse

OliveWah · 31/05/2025 00:14

HeddaGarbled · 31/05/2025 00:01

Neither she or her husband want to go up early

That’s the crux of it: you’re not just saying that the children need to leave early - you’re saying that one or both of the parents have to.

"Neither she or her wife want to go up early".

I'd say YANBU @WeddingBlues2025, 11:30 is really late for primary aged kids, and lots of people have totally childfree weddings, you're only asking for a couple of hours!

Original poster
WeddingBlues2025 · 31/05/2025 00:14

It's also tough as none of his family have a problem with arranging a babysitter or having a spouse go up for their kids. They have been absolutely lovely and also felt it would be unfair to my stepsons if their kids stayed up.. wish we bloody eloped!

OP posts: