Kids bedtime at wedding

[WeddingBlues2025]

I am marrying a man with two children & we have a baby ourselves. We have zero childcare support from family and have to pay for childcare whenever we need to do anything ourselves. I'm okay with this, while I was very hands on for my nieces and nephews Ive accepted that my siblings are in different spaces and help isnt going to happen for us. Anyway on our wedding night, we have asked that all kids go to bed at 11.30pm, including our own, so my husband and I get some time together- it will be a few hours, will be back up with baby at 6am. My sister feels this is unfair and told me while I can insist my own stepkids go to bed, she should be allowed to keep hers up as they will love the dance floor and enjoyed it at other family weddings. I'm hurt that she can't see that this would be so unfair and hurtful to my stepkids. I would never treat them differently. We know they will be tired and clingy that late and we just want to let our hair down for a few hours, as we never get time to ourselves with friends. We won't get any other free time over the wedding and are bringing the kids on our minimoon.- AIBU?

You beat me to it!

Would it work to have a 'quiet zone' for the kids, maybe with a movie so they can all move there at 10pm instead of going to bed and hopefully all fall asleep together. Maybe making it a fun sleepover vibe would help both your sister and your kids accept it?

Husband. I have another gay sibling whose wife is a dote about it - though they don't have kids so keeping that in mind.

I don't think you can easily dictate when other people's children go to bed. Assume they can't be that young anyway if staying up to 11.30. As someone else has said, if you make a fuss it risks making you look like a Bridezilla.

I'd offer anything. Look it is pretty clear from this thread that people feel it isn't fair. Good to have other views. My stepsons to be are great little lads but we are still new and I know it would bother them, they are still figuring relationships out. I think we will finish things up around midnight with them and enjoy the day till then and finish it on a positive note. The party will go on, fine minus us, Irish weddings are famous for it. I just wouldn't relax downstairs worrying that they felt they were being treated differently. Thanks all

If your partners family are supportive and have children a similar age, is there any chance your boys would be happy to go to bed with their cousins on that side?

But you are going to have to get used to it OP because there is a difference between

1. being treated differently by parents
2. being treated differently by close family memberd
3. different people having different parenting views

1 and 2 are being treated differently and being something to protect children from

3 is just life and what this is

yiu are putting this unfairly into 1 and 2 when it is 3. Another set of parents having different rules which is something you are going to come across ALOT. So get them used to it now.

I appreciate all that and we have parented that way together. It is just important to me that they go off settled on our wedding night. I have also been at other weddings where the same request has been made of us and it didn't dawn on me to complain to bride or groom.. I'd genuinely have no problem in fulfilling the same request for my sister or anyone else but it isn't to be! Thanks everyone, views appreciated. We will keep it simple and finish up with the boys. Not causing hassle with family over bedtime.

We got married in September and our 10 and 6 year old stayed up u til about 1-1.30am (finished at 2). I couldn’t imagine dictating when other people had to leave, and my children would have been mightily upset if they had to leave the party early.

YANBU 11:30pm is late for primary aged children. If your sister allows you both to end your wedding night early because she won’t take her children to bed then she is a horrible person. It’s your wedding and your rules.

You do what you wish with your own children but you can't dictate to others. Many might follow your lead, but others probably won't.

Apart from your neighbour minding your children, who will be watching over the others. They can't just all be left alone in hotel rooms surely.

It’s your wedding. If you don’t want kids around after 11pm (which is plenty late!) then that’s up to you. She needs to suck it up and be respectful that it’s you and your husband’s day, not hers.

Shouldn't all the kids be in bed by about 10pm anyway, maybe even earlier. I'd assume there would be alot of drinking antics by 11.30 not really suitable for young kids. I like PP idea of a quiet zone with a movie and snacks, is that possible in the venue? Maybe the kids could bring a pillow and sleeping bags? (Apologies in advance if this is a dumb idea!)

You sound like a really thoughtful mum. I don’t have this sort of social life (sadly!) but I’d just go up as a family, settle everyone down and consider if I want to go back downstairs when they’re asleep. I think that would be a nice end to their day regardless instead of just sending them upstairs on their own with your neighbour.

My children stay up until after midnight on Hogmanay and regularly past 10 for much less exciting reasons so I think I probably wouldn’t have a curfew for them at my own wedding - just see when it stops being fun, settle them down and go from there.

Different families have different rules ...you can't tell someone how to parent their child yabu about this. Just take the baby and step children to bed at the time you want them to go to bed. Tell them different families different rules. You underestimate them here.

Surely any child will be asleep at that time anyway? If not in bed then on a couple of chairs pushed together.

Is it in a hotel OP? Or a private home? I'm just wondering whether you could sell this as a sleepover for your step children and your family's children?

I know that is a lot to ask of your neighbours and means in the morning you will have a house full of children but it might be a solution.

Say there will be pizza (actually whatever the cousins' favourite food) and a movie in your house at 11 for any children who want it and they can bring sleeping bags.

I may be influenced by my own experiences as a child at weddings. Particularly my uncle and aunts, I'll post it here in the hopes that it will amuse you.

So I was 10 and a bridesmaid, it was March and I was in a short sleeved cotton dress with American tan tights and those silver plastic sandals that you wore for dancing in the 1970s. Obviously the shoes were new.

My mum didn't do breakfasts so we had not eaten before the wedding, we drove to my soon to be aunt's house and waited there for everyone to be ready and set off, I was put in a taxi with my new aunt's mother.

Then there was the wedding, which being RC meant a long mass (not quite Polish length) then photos outside which was freezing and then to the Town Hall for the bun fight.

We ate at about 3 pm, so I'd been frozen and starved.

We went back to my grandparents house for a cup of tea and some spice cake and for people to get changed. I can't remember but I don't think my grandparents were going to the evening do. I was a bridesmaid so I wasn't allowed to get changed (ie my mother wanted everyone to see me in the dress) and the plastic sandals were cutting my feet to ribbons. And my brother wouldn't bloody shut up that I had had wine with communion and he only got the host.

So we go, as a family, to the evening do. Me still in the dress and sandals, still no jacket or wrap and by this time it was dark.

Now my aunt and uncle met when she was working the summer between uni years at my uncle's workplace. He was a psychiatric nurse. The evening do was at the social club where he worked.

So a social club at the local psychiatric hospital which had been a Victorian asylum.

Have you ever tried calling a taxi to an asylum at 2.00am? This was the 1970s so there was still a lot of stigma about mental health.

My parents didn't wait until 2.00am to phone, they had been phoning different companies for an hour. They all said the same, they were on their way and then didn't turn up.

My dad said we might as well start walking.

I nearly cried, my feet were bleeding by this time, it had gone from cold to freezing and I was still in the bloody dress with the now literally bloody sandals. I think my dad lent me his jacket at this point.

As we got to the main gate a cab pulled up, I have never been so grateful to get in to a cab.

We stayed over at my grandparents and the next day I found out my mum had forgotten to pack any shoes for me.

I agree that different families have different rules. My children would have no problem staying up until late (age 10 and 8). They were up until after midnight the other night watching Eurovision and were up as normal the next day. They’re just night owls. You can’t dictate what other families do.

I

I’m surprised at the number of people saying that 11:30 is late for the children’s bedtime. Normally yes, but not at a wedding. My 8 & 6 year old would be up way past that dancing.

I tend to just let them carry on until they drop. Otherwise someone misses out on a lot of the party sitting with sleeping children.

The baby I can understand because they get grizzly, so I would just take them up.

When we got married @WeddingBlues2025 we just went off the two of us and had a couple of drinks on our own at about 10. It was the perfect way to finish the day off, why don’t you do that?

When you say you are still new to the step-kids how new?

How long ago did his wife die?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.Your sister is in the wrong here.

Perhaps the way you’ve phrased it has upset your sister. Saying all children must go to bed at 11:30 seems somewhat dictatorial. Perhaps say ‘Children welcome until 11:30pm. Adult only 11:30pm - late’

I think you might enjoy yourself more if you relax on this and get your alone time on another evening with pre arranged babysitters. You'll only be stressing otherwise.

Your kids might be less clingy with all the other people/cousins about. Or they might fall asleep under a table before 11.30! Maybe supply some cushions and blankets so they can get snuggly in a corner somewhere. Surprising what kids can sleep through.

Your wedding, your choice! This will just be one of many problems that you will have with the wedding. Many people have child free weddings, so I don’t think an 11:30 request is anywhere near unreasonable. It is more likely your sister is making it your problem because she wants to stay until the early hours and can’t be bothered to sort out childcare.
You will only get one wedding and it should be how you want it. Personally I think it is totally inappropriate for young children to be around while everyone is getting smashed out of their heads.

I think it's absolutely fine to say adults only from 11:30pm and I probably would have phrased it the same as @RocketLollyPolly suggested.

If DH and I were there, we would have tag teamed watching the children or whichever one of us wasn't direct family would have bowed out early. We usually do this anyway so we can let our hair down and have some fun dancing without having one eye on the kids.