Adult son and husband don’t get on

[Mumstruggles]

My 23 year old son and his dad (my husband) do not get on and it’s just getting worse. My son still lives at home with us and can be challenging at times as he is autistic, opinionated and grumpy…..in fact, he acts way beyond his years. However he is hard working, contributes to the house and has always been well behaved. But him and my husband constantly butt heads! My husband always thinks he’s right and so does my son! My son has developed a real attitude towards him and it is very obvious that he doesn’t like him! My husband also seems to go out of his way to wind him up and accuses me of pussy footing around him. But he’s autistic and likes things a certain way, and I don’t see any need to upset him. But my husband says that our son needs to learn that that’s not how the world works and that me ‘middle coddling’ him is making it worse! Tonight things came to a head and I told them both together that their attitude towards each other was making me feel very unhappy and uncomfortable. Son said that dad needs to stop winding him up and dad didn’t like the way that son spoke to him. Once son had left the room, dad said if it continued for much longer he would be asking him to leave home! At which point I lost the plot and said over my dead body! Husband then said that he would leave instead of son!!!!! I don’t think he meant that part for one minute but now I feel sick with the escalation! Son says dad is unreasonable and dad says the same about son!!!

This sounds very much a case of like father like son, but neither of them can really see it. I don't have any advice but appreciate how frustrating that must be.

What's your sons plan long term? Is it a time limited situation?

If they don’t get on, they don’t get on. They sound quite similar. There’s nothing you can do to force them to get along. To be honest they need to stay out of each other’s way.

Your son is at an age where I’d say he’s probably outstayed his welcome and should be living in his own place.

It sounds like your son could live independently, isn’t it something you could all consider when things are calmer? Why isn’t your husband able to take a step back and consider how he responds?

Is his father also autistic? They're unlikely to get on if they have different needs but if your son starts making moves to live independently ( is he capable ) then they may find their relationship improves once he leaves.

Do you have other children? What is their relationship with their Dad like?
Is Dad also autistic - you say they are very similar.
Is their a plan for your son to move out at some point?

Well it would be my husband leaving the house in this situation tbh. Your son may be an adult now but he is autistic and with that, can come certain issues.

if your husband is unable to accommodate your son’s disability then tell him he’s free to find somewhere else to live

Assuming he’s capable of looking after himself then it sounds like he needs to move out. And you need to let him go. There’s a reason they butt heads. It’s natures way of telling you it’s time for him to forge his own path.

Or, the husband might have a point and it’s time to let the son branch out on his own.
Oh and it’s the husbands home as much as hers. So no he wouldn’t be leaving because she has no right to kick him out.

If they're both autistic and son is 23, then I'd be suggesting son maybe spreads his wings.

I didn't get on with my dad from about 15. We're very alike, which I appreciate now. Kids moving out when they grow up is the norm, surely? Ds is autistic. If he and dh butt heads as ds enters his late teens, I can't see me asking dh to move out! Ds is already pretty clear he wants to live by himself somewhere.

Sounds like your son is getting to rule the roost. Does he not have any plans to move out? Time to spread his wings, as others have said.

They both sound irritating as hell but there us no way I would encourage the conflict the way you do and side with the child against your husband. Your adult child should be encouraged to live independently because this is the only way he will fully launch, make friends, become independent. Its idd to be issuing ultimatums to your own husband with a view to discouraging your ds from leaving and achieving independence. Try being less reactive and more generous to your dh.

Tell them both to shut the fuck up and stop acting like children! Loudly!

Agree.. but posters on mn never seem to get this and seem to think they just get to say to their dh/dp, 'you need to move out (but of course keep paying for everything)' and they'll say "your demand is my command!!'

This. And maybe your son needs to be moving out. I don't agree with PP that your husband needs to leave

I think I need examples of what your son is particular about that your husband is saying should not be accommodated as it’s “molly coddling”

is husband deliberately winding him up or just not doing things how son likes?

i can’t tell if you are unreasonable otherwise.

im autistic and can function fine. Work, contribute to society, fit the NT world when not at home as this is how life is. But then when I’m home I need to be me. Masking at home because people in the house demand it is gruelling and too much for me to handle. My ex used to wind me up terrible and I was never sure if it was on purpose or not. But I understood he saw my quirks as unimportant and not worth the effort of accommodating, whereas for me accommodating his need for me to hide my quirks was costing me my sanity. I left because it was unworkable. But the final message was minor effort to make me comfortable on my own home wasn’t worth the effort for him, he didn’t love me specifically he just didn’t want to be alone.

Maybe the only solution will be for son to move out. or for husband to move out and you end up alone when son moves out at a later date. But be sure to tell your husband that regardless of how ridiculous your sons quirks are the fact he appears to wind something up intentionally will be communicating to son that dad doesn’t care. Does he want a relationship with your son in the years to come? Because that’s what this could cost him.

but then of course if your son is being controlling of all kinds of things and dictating more than is fair how things happen in the house I would change my advice/opinion and say you need to communicate this to son and explain it will ensure he always lives alone once he’s moved out and is costing him his relationship with his dad.

really need some examples.

I agree there aren't enough examples. How far you bend allowing DS to have the things the way he likes? Is DH perhaps also autistic? How is DH winding him up? Two of my kids have ASD and they don't always get everything their own way just because they like it. We all have to live here and we all matter.

Does your DH struggle with the concept of autism? Does he think it’s a choice and that all the autistic person has to do is respond a certain way? Was there a time when he was happy with how DS spoke to him?

Is your DS annoying him because of his autism? Or because he’s 23, has forgotten that it might be his home but it’s not his house, and is challenging his dad’s authority?

It doesn’t sound like either of them are going to back down and let the other rule the roost. So the options are that DS looks for alternative accommodation, with your support, or you and DH either separate or stay married but live separately, and you live with DS. The only other thing I can think of is you tell them that they’re both a pair of arseholes and you want nothing to do with either of them until they’ve learnt to get on, and you take yourself off for a while.

At 21 my dad joined the merchant navy during WW 2. My mother emigrated at 21. I moved to a city where I knew no one at 21. My son went away to a distant city at 18. I think your 23 year old son needs to move out. Why are you so opposed to your 23 year old moving out? Will you still want him there when he is 30? If he doesn't get on with his father your son should move out. How is he going to find and keep a partner being a total mummy's boy?

If he's 23 and able to live on his own, I can see why you both shouldn't have to bend to him in your home. It's hard for multiple adults to live together, especially when one or more are quite particular. I'd be inclined to working towards your son leaving home (not kicking him out).

I’ve put unreasonable because your son is an adult man and should be looking to move out , you saying over my dead body ‘ shows your husband this situation has no end . Ultimatums never end well.

Is this a repost with genders changed? I recall almost a word for word post like that but with adult DD instead of DS. Same ages, same situation. And then there was a dripfeed that DD was known to fight with her siblings and have them tiptoe around her too (DH and DD both had same horrible temper). The husband got called a bully etc cos he was a man. Just wondering if this is repost?

I wonder if part of your husband's resentment is that he can't ever see a time when the son will not be living with you. If he's 23 and is showing no desire to ever leave home, I can see how that would be a problem. It sounds as if you would be fine with him living with you indefinitely, and your husband is not. That's evident in the way you said "over my dead body" to the idea of your son going, and your husband said that he will go instead, then.

FWIW, I don't think you're doing your son any favours by not encouraging his independence at age 23. I know the cost of living is high, but he should have a plan by now, even if the plan is to live with you for the next five years and save his ass off for a deposit. Or he should be looking to rent a room by the age of, say, 25, when he might earn better and have had time to save for a rental deposit and moving expenses.

I'm a very soft-hearted person, but I don't think I'd be happy with a 23-year-old at home who showed no motivation or plan to ever live independently.

Your son has the right to be himself in his own home. It’s hard enough trying to navigate the world as an autistic person home should be a refuge from that. And why does your husband want to wind him up? Did he grow up with tough love and think it did him no harm? (Clearly it did) he can’t knock the autism out of him.

I wouldn’t stand for this if your husband can’t treat your son with respect he should leave.

How does your son contribute to the house? Does your husband?

You are babying a 23 year old man because he is autistic. There are plenty of us who live in our own houses, and have done since younger than 23. It's time your son moved out.

There are degrees of autistic traits. He is 23 and if he is capable if leaving home and setting up.on.his own then this could be the best solution.
One side of this problem is that you might find it hard to let him go because fitting round his needs has become a way of life and part of your reason for being. It is worth giving this some thought. What your OH sees as mollycoddling could be your way of hanging on to him when in fact he needs to branch out and make a life for himself.
At this stage of life it is sometimes hard to contemplate a big change where just you and OH are left in the family home.... a big shift in relationship.
The status quo is untenable. It is miserable for everyone. The basic problem is your son is past being at home.