Adult son and husband don’t get on

[Mumstruggles]

My 23 year old son and his dad (my husband) do not get on and it’s just getting worse. My son still lives at home with us and can be challenging at times as he is autistic, opinionated and grumpy…..in fact, he acts way beyond his years. However he is hard working, contributes to the house and has always been well behaved. But him and my husband constantly butt heads! My husband always thinks he’s right and so does my son! My son has developed a real attitude towards him and it is very obvious that he doesn’t like him! My husband also seems to go out of his way to wind him up and accuses me of pussy footing around him. But he’s autistic and likes things a certain way, and I don’t see any need to upset him. But my husband says that our son needs to learn that that’s not how the world works and that me ‘middle coddling’ him is making it worse! Tonight things came to a head and I told them both together that their attitude towards each other was making me feel very unhappy and uncomfortable. Son said that dad needs to stop winding him up and dad didn’t like the way that son spoke to him. Once son had left the room, dad said if it continued for much longer he would be asking him to leave home! At which point I lost the plot and said over my dead body! Husband then said that he would leave instead of son!!!!! I don’t think he meant that part for one minute but now I feel sick with the escalation! Son says dad is unreasonable and dad says the same about son!!!

You are treating your son like he is a child because of his autism. Yet you say he acts beyond his years. Stop being over-protective, and lose the “over my dead body” drama. He’s 23 he needs to move out.

Making sure that home is a safe space for an autistic person in a world that is hostile and does not accept or understand autistic people is not "molly coddling". This is the bare minimum a parent of an ND person should be doing. You cannot bully autism out of someone. Making their home a hostile environment by refusing to adapt to their needs does not stop them from having those needs. It just means that home is unhealthy for them.

If your husband's ableism has been a feature of his parenting style for the whole of your son's life, I'm not at all surprised that he dislikes him as an adult.

Mine butted heads with DH so much they moved out into supported housing at 18. I think it's time your DS left home.

@Fargo79 so do you then believe that if one person in the household has a diagnosis of autism, then that's the only thing that matters? Noone else's needs or emotions count or are relevant? EVERYTHING revolves around one person?

Sounds like your baby bird is ready to fly the nest.

He needs his own space to be the man of his own house.

It is normal when the parent is immature or has mistreated the other parent with their "know it all" attitude.

My Dbro and DF didn't get on either.

It most likely cannot be undone without a real effort

I don’t get that, assuming they are both out at work all day, in the evenings they just avoid each other.
My DH watches YouTube in his office in the evening and I watch tv in the lounge. We eat together but could eat separately if needed.
Just tell them to stay apart.

When’s DS planning to move out and be independent?

Sounds like it's time for your chick to fly the nest.

Is DS capable of moving out with his diagnosis?
Some DC with ASD aren't capable of independent living at 23 or not disabled enough for residential care or supported living.
Did they ever have a close relationship?

I'm with you OP, your DH is bu, no need to wind up his DS. He should be helping him not going out of his way to upset him. Some posters said that your DS should move out but can he manage on his own, is he earning enough to rent anywhere, anyway 23 is still very young and lots of 23 years old without any disability still live at home as renting is frightfully expensive.

High chance that your husband is Autistic. It's highly heritable.

When you say over my dead body I see why there could be disharmony. Your son wants autonomy, yet your husband is used to being the top dog. He sees you're possibly over compensating sometimes. You're probably all right in your view points.

Maybe you should support your son with independent living? He could live close by, you can support as best you can but this would be good for him potentially. It will also likely improve his relationship with his dad and make your life less stressful.

Edit - I have an ND teen btw. Not always easy to encourage independence but with your help and any other help available, it could be a good move. Social housing list possibly? I'd enquire.