To ask if you were with your partner for 10+ years before having kids, how did things change after becoming parents?

[lentilandpotatosoup]

Been with my partner for over a decade. Very happy, comfortable existence. Have been ambivalent about having kids but now seem to be leaning towards it. So just wondering for others in a similar situation who'd waited a similar length of time, how did adding children affect things?

We were about ten years before ds, we got together at 24/25, for me I think it's meant we've a solid foundation as a couple and we've done lots of things together, travel etc so when DS came along and life changed completely it was ok because there was no resentment or feeling of missing out or the things we wished we'd done. It also meant we were both established and settled on career paths so there was no jostling between family life and career. We were also both on the same page around me returning to work, I wouldn't do well as a sahp I need the intellectual challenge by work gives me and DH is fully aware of that, so knew it was going to have to be a very equal parenting set up, I couldn't pull all of the weight and do my job. He put in his flex working request at the same time as me before I returned from mat leave.

Having said that we'd been pretty much best friends from the age of 11-24 especially teen years onward, so knew each other well including imperfections long before the idea of children was even a thing.

It certainly changes your whole entire life that’s for sure, it creates a lot of stress and change in the first few years. But I wouldn’t change it back now.

It depends on how old you are now - 10 years together from 30-40 is not the same as 10 years together from 20-30. So many couples with kids in the latter group are divorced, probably because you’re more amenable in your 20’s and are still growing as people and then you hit your 40s and realise you don’t actually want the partner/life you have.

I was with exH for 10 years before kids (met in our teens). He wanted to put off having kids because he was worried I would love them more than I loved him (🚩 1). I really wanted kids before I hit my 30s so he reluctantly agreed. He was great at all the practical stuff, housework etc but our parenting styles were so so different and he wanted to discipline the kids so they were scared of him ( 🚩 2). He was friendly with female colleagues, would invite them round to see the kids (including their bathtime which was super weird), as if they were toys or pets to play with (🚩 3). Then he started spending more time with one of them in particular, including a day out with her and the kids while I was treated to a spa day (🚩 5). Turns out he was having an affair with her because he felt so neglected as I no longer put him on a pedestal - I filed for divorce when the kids were under 5. Turns out he’s a narcissist and only does nice things because he wants praise, attention and admiration. But we still co-parent well in terms of logistics so at least there’s that, even if he’s a nightmare whenever there’s anything subjective/emotive to deal with.

Anyway, moral of the story is: have kids if you want to but never be a SAHM and make sure you are fully prepared to lose your current relationship because a) it will never be the same and b) he may turn out to be a completely different person.

Together 14 years before 1st DD was born at 30. Our life changed for the better we were ready to have children and financially stable so I could be a SAHM. We had 4 DC by 35 with twins in the middle.

I would say only have kids if you really, really want them tbh. Not leaning into it. I think it does help to have been with someone for some time as my dh and I had already faced some challenges such as moving internationally, illness in the family etc But having kids still changes the dynamic at least in the first few years. And I would argue life changes more for you as the mum than him as the dad.

We were 8 years in. Those 8 years we were blissfully happy, rarely argued, just enjoyed date nights, loads of sex and travelling together. Since having ds things have been difficult, ds has additional needs and my health has declined too. Life is very stressful and hard, there’s also been external difficulties too. We argue quite a bit although we do still love each other and want to be together. But we are not what we were. Slightly depressing but it’s good to hear all sides.

We were together for 10 years before having kids. I think it helped, because we knew we got on and had a lot in common, and because we'd had some adventures, so didn't mind so much that life became Groundhog Day for a few years. It's still a shock - your life changes completely, your relationship does too, and there is far too often a rapid status shift when the woman (usually) stays home while the man goes back out into his old life. That was incredibly difficult for both of us and we both handled it very badly at first but sorted it out in the end and it was fine.

we were together for 9 before kids and we did all our bucket list travelling and things we wanted to achieve- house, career path etc. I think when we had kids we didn’t feel like we missed out on our own lives so can dedicate a lot more to the kids without feeling that resentment.

also in 10years you really know if this person is parent material. No one drastically changes over night. No one. The signs are always there and people choose to ignore it.

Anyway, moral of the story is: have kids if you want to but never be a SAHM and make sure you are fully prepared to lose your current relationship because a) it will never be the same and b) he may turn out to be a completely different person.

And c) Only have them if your partner is fully on board. I know several women in RL and read countless posts on MN from women who have had to persuade their partners to have children, and invariably the dads are very hands off, still keep up with their time consuming hobbies and lads nights out and the mums do all the childcare, housework etc while often working full time.

And the dads say "well you were the one who wanted children" when challenged.

Having children should definitely be a heads over heart process. Don't let your hormones overrule your head.

We had been together 9 years and both had children from previous relationships when I got pregnant with our eldest. Pregnancy wasn’t planned as like I said we both already had older children (preteen/early teen ages) and were very happy and settled with our set up. However, having our son was the best thing that ever happened to us and we then went on to have youngest son 18 months later. We’d had a nearly 10 year relationship so had had our ‘fun’ and I suppose honeymoon period. We were mid and late 30’s and I honestly feel like our boys came at the perfect time for us.

I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but just to add my ‘soppy’ tuppance worth 😂

We were together for about 15 years, I was shocked how badly things have changed. I agree with people who say it's like a bomb exploding in your relationship. My advice would be to understand how difficult having a child is and how you will do things as a couple. The main thing being when your partner suddenly expects you to to everything (in my case before a child they had taken the lions share!). I think the main issue is we had a really easy, good life and didn't realise how much work a baby/child would be, we have no family support. It changed everything.

Oh and the most obvious thing. Only have a baby if you really, really want one and if he really, really wants one.

Something else to bear in mind is you tend to unconsciously fall into the patterns you grew up with. So if you both grew up, as we did, with mums who stayed at home and did nearly everything to do with the children, that's some pretty powerful conditioning to break out of. If you add to that those actual mums commenting on the situation...!

Together 10 years then got married, had a baby 3 years later, split up within 18 months. But I wouldn’t change a thing as DD is the best thing that happened to both of us and we co-parent well.